|
|
|
|
|
|
4 Steps to Teaching Your Family to Treat You Better
Case #1- Elizabeth, a 40 year old homemaker was always feeling angry and “used” by her family, constantly saying that everybody took advantage of her. She felt that she worked like a slave but her family showed no appreciation or acknowledgement of her many efforts.
Case #2- Bill, a 34 year old husband complained that his critical wife was always angry at him.
He spent his life trying to cope with her outrages which often escalated him into defensive anger which didn’t happen anywhere but in this relationship.
Case #3- Betty, a 42 year separated mother struggled with her soon to be ex-husband's contempt and disrespect every time she angrily called him to discuss details of their divorce.
These three cases bring up the question often asked by participants in our anger management classes: Is it possible to control how family members treat us? The short answer is “no” — but often we can teach them to treat us better!
Believe it or not, we are constantly teaching our family how to treat us— both by our responses to their behavior, and by the behavior we display to them which they react to. In our case examples:
- By automatically doing whatever her husband and children requested, Elizabeth was “teaching” them that there are almost no limits to what she would do for them.
- With his behavior, Bill was actually teaching his wife that the way to get attention from him (even if it was negative attention) was for her to create drama.
- Betty was so intimidated by her husband, that her defensive “attitude” was “teaching” him that to deal with her, he had to push back with the contempt and disrespect that he constantly showed her.
The dance of anger
Our interchange with family members is often like a carefully choreographed dance. They make a move. You make a move in response to their move. They then respond to what you said or did and …well, you get the idea!
How do you change the dance? Start by seeing yourself as a teacher—of how you would like your family to treat you.
Four ways to change what you teach others
1. Try a softer start-up. Marital research shows that the first few seconds of an interaction can predict the final outcome of the encounter. Try being
softer, more polite, more respectful, less hostile, or more empathetic—and see how this change in your approach actually teaches others to respond better to you.
2. Take a time-out before dealing with the conflict or situation. Conflicting or arguing family members often work themselves up to a point at which problem solving is impossible.
The solution is to retreat and give yourself time to calm down and think things over. This takes at least 20 minutes, often much longer. Before taking your time out, it is important to tell the other person that you will commit to returning soon to deal with the conflict, after you are calmer—then be sure to do it!
3. Acknowledge that you see how they must be seeing the situation. Called “empathy,” this response on your part teaches others that you care about their feelings and viewpoints, and opinions.
Acknowledgement doesn’t mean that you necessarily agree with their viewpoint —only that you see it. Sometimes, your family needs to know that you care about them and respect their opinions before they listen to what you say.
4. Set limits and boundaries for your family members. Limits and boundaries are basically rules regarding acceptable behaviors toward you as well as what you are willing or not willing to do.
If you feel others are taking advantage of you, ask yourself what you may be doing ( or not doing )to give the message it is “ok” for them to do whatever they are doing. Often you can change their behavior toward you by teaching them different rules of being with you. The easiest way to do this is simply to respond differently yourself. For instance, they make you the core of a nasty joke. Being a nice person, you pretend it doesn’t bother you (even though it does), so you laugh with everybody else. As an alternative, try not laughing with them, which is a way of teaching them that they have crossed a boundary with you.
2005 © Dr. Tony Fiore All rights reserved.
Dr. Tony Fiore (www.angercoach.com) is a So. California licensed psychologist, and anger management trainer. His company, The Anger Coach, provides anger and stress management programs, training and products to individuals, couples, and the workplace. Sign up for his free monthly newsletter "Taming The Anger Bee" at www.angercoach.com
|
|
|
|
|
| The Alternative Dictionaries |
| Includes a list of slang terms and phrases in various languages. |
| www.notam02.no |
|
| Free-Codecs.com :: Download Real Alternative 1.51 : Real ... |
| Download Real Alternative 1.51 : Real Alternative will allow you to play RealMedia files without having to install RealPlayer/RealOne Player. |
| www.free-codecs.com |
|
| Free-Codecs.com : QuickTime Alternative 1.76 final : QuickTime ... |
| Download QuickTime Alternative 1.76 : QuickTime Alternative will allow you to play QuickTime files (.mov, .qt and other extensions) without having to ... |
| www.free-codecs.com |
|
| AlterNet: Home |
| Syndication service and online community of the alternative press, featuring news stories from alternative newsweeklies, magazines and web publications. |
| www.alternet.org |
|
| Open Directory - Health: Alternative |
| the entire directory, only in Health/Alternative ... "Alternative" search on:. AltaVista - A9 - AOL - Ask - Clusty - Gigablast - Google - Lycos - MSN ... |
| dmoz.org |
|
| Alternative Radio |
| A weekly one-hour public affairs radio program that provides analyses and views that are ignored or distorted in most media. |
| www.alternativeradio.org |
|
| The Alternative Medicine Homepage |
| Information on unconventional, unorthodox, unproven, or alternative, complementary, innovative, integrative therapies. Maintained by Charles B. Wessel, ... |
| www.pitt.edu |
|
| Alternative Medicine, Home for Natural Remedies & Healthy Solutions |
| Complementary and alternative medicine information about common health conditions, including natural remedies, holistic healthcare, healing foods, ... |
| www.alternativemedicine.com |
|
| Alternative rock - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia |
| Alternative rock (also called alternative music [1] or simply ... The music now known as alternative rock was known by a variety of terms before ... |
| en.wikipedia.org |
|
| EERE: Alternative Fuels Data Center Home Page |
| Provides information on alternative vehicle fuels and transportation technologies and related legislation. The center also distributes the newsletter ... |
| www.eere.energy.gov |
|
| Alternative Comics: Publisher of cool comic books & graphic novels |
| Alternative Comics, publishers of cool comic books, releases some of the most original and intelligent titles being created today. |
| www.indyworld.com |
|
| Alternative Tentacles - Store |
| Alternative Tentacles Records supplies the world with punk rock music from the Dead Kennedys, Nomeansno, and Jello Biafra. Featuring secure online ordering. |
| www.alternativetentacles.com |
|
| Google Directory - Health > Alternative |
| Related Categories: Health > Animal > Alternative Medicine (498) Science > Science in Society > Skeptical Inquiry (179) ... |
| www.google.com |
|
| The Alternative Museum |
| Free of physical restrictions, it presents online digital exhibitions, and live webcast events. Headed by international curators with cyber artist ... |
| www.alternativemuseum.org |
|
| Centre for Alternative Technology Home Page |
| CAT aims to 'inspire, inform, and enable' people to live more sustainably. A solutions driven organisation, offering practical solutions to environmental ... |
| www.cat.org.uk |
|
| Los Angeles Alternative |
| LA's only alternative weekly that is locally-owned and independent, bringing you the people, arts and ideas that make Los Angeles the center of the ... |
| www.laalternative.com |
|
| NewsLink | Newspapers | U.S. | Alternative |
| Updated links to all Alternative newspapers (US) from NewsLink Associates. |
| newslink.org |
|
|