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Being Nice Can Be Hazardous To Your Health

"Mom, what did the doctor say about your liver function tests?" Martha and her mother Leah spent plenty of time on the phone the days before the follow-up doctor visit talking about what this abnormal blood test could mean. With a heavy sigh Leah said, "Well, the doctor looked like he was having a hard day, and there were lots of people in the waiting room and they looked very sick, so I didn’t ask." Martha said, "If you took care of yourself with just a fraction of the nurturing you give to everyone else in the whole world, you would be in great shape."

Leah’s life is guided by two words: "Be nice." In her perfect day, everyone gets along, she anticipates and meets the needs of others and goes to sleep knowing she’s a worthy person because people tell her so. Leah avoids conflict and she would never dream of making a scene. When she gave the cashier at the grocery store a $20 bill for a $7 item and got back $3 she didn’t say a word. Her perfectionism usually heads off criticism, but sometimes it backfires. She tried to help her adult son, who said with annoyance, "Mom, stop being such a people-pleaser." Leah’s darkest fear is that she will not give enough and wind up all alone, abandoned by her friends and family.

While being nice sounds like a good idea, there’s a problem. It doesn’t work. People pleasers often take care of others at the expense of themselves. Activities that promote health, like the daily walk and a good night’s sleep are sacrificed when someone else is in need. Trying to avoid or ignore conflict and anger is like trying to hold a beach ball under water. Unexpressed feelings can pop up as physical ailments, such as heartburn or depression or back pain. When your value as a person is defined by what other people think about you, and you don’t measure up, food or alcohol medicate the emptiness.

If you’re a people-pleaser who gets sick, the same behaviors that got you to the doctor in the first place may stand in the way of getting good health care. You might not want to "trouble your doctor" with your problems. If you have side effects from a medication, you might simply stop taking the pills rather than tell your doctor that you want to try a different medication. A cross look from the front office staff when you ask for a copy of your medical record may be all you need to decide that you’re not doing that again.

The bottom line is that being nice can be hazardous to your health. It erodes your health and impairs your ability to get better if you’re sick.

I invite you to examine how being nice is working for you. Serving others offers great rewards. Serving at the expense of yourself comes with a huge cost that ultimately limits your ability to serve. You can be freed from the imprisonment of people-pleasing. If you want to treat yourself with more love and respect, here are some thoughts.

Re-think being nice.

People-pleasing is a learned behavior that can be unlearned. Although habits may be deeply engrained, small changes can make a huge difference. Next time you’re asked to volunteer, instead of jumping in with a "Yes", say, instead, "I’ll get back to you on that." You will come to understand that "no" is a complete sentence, and you can utter the word! If you can’t imagine doing this, use this "fake it till you make it trick"...tell yourself that you’re taking care of your children’s father, your mother’s


daughter or your pet’s owner.

Take care of yourself every day.

Get exercise, nutrition and rest every day. Do something that recharges your batteries every day no matter what. It’s a cliché, but when you’re on a plane you’re instructed to put on your own mask before taking care of others.

Bring an advocate with you to the doctor.

Engaging in acts of self-care, like going to the doctor, can feel like swimming upstream to a people-pleaser. Being nice takes the form of being a good patient who doesn’t make waves.

Here is something critical to remember: You are not there to take care of your doctor; your doctor is there to take care of you. In the past you may have made your medical choices by raising your antennae and tuning into what you think will make your doctor happy. You certainly want your doctor’s opinion, and in most cases you will agree with your doctor’s recommendations. Sometimes getting good care means making waves, like asking , "What are the other treatment options?" or requesting a more complete explanation or seeking a second medical opinion.

While it’s always a good idea to take a second set of listening ears to a doctor appointment, it’s particularly important if you’re a people-pleaser. An advocate will assure that you and your health care team stay focused on taking care of you.

Accept help.

People-pleasers can give from dawn to dusk, but they rarely accept help, even when they’re sick. When I ask my patients who are people-pleasers how it feels to help a friend struggling with illness, the answer is a broad smile. Then I remind them that when they accept help, they give their friends a chance to have those same good feelings.

If you are a people-pleaser, your heart might be racing. I assure you I’m not asking to give up serving others. I’m suggesting that a healthy life is a life in balance, and I encourage you to treat yourself as nicely as you treat others. When you take care of yourself, you offer us the gift of most fully who you are. Then you can really serve.

It's more important than ever to take an active role in your healthcare. The best way to get top-quality, safe and effective healthcare is to actively and knowledgably participate. Visit http://www.MedicalBridges.com for the tools to get you there.

***Permissions***

You have permission to publish this article in its entirety electronically, in print, in your ebook, or on your web site, free of charge as long as no changes to the content are made and you include my byline, copyright, and resource box. Please notify me of publication by sending an email with a copy of your publication to: mailto:DrRackner@medicalbridges.com. Thanks!

About The Author

Copyright © Vicki Rackner MD, 2005

Vicki Rackner, MD, president of Medical Bridges, is a board- certified surgeon who left the operating room to help employees become active participants in their health care. She is a consultant, speaker and author of the *Personal Health Journal*, author/editor of *Chicken Soup for the Healthy Heart Soul* and author of the lead story for *Chicken Soup for the Breast Cancer Soul.* Dr. Rackner can be reached at http://www.MedicalBridges.com or (425) 451-3777.

 

BreastCancer.org - Breast Cancer Treatment Information and Pictures
Breast Cancer Information from a Nonprofit Organization.
www.breastcancer.org
 
The Breast Cancer Site
Founded to help offer free mammograms to underprivileged women nationwide. With a simple, daily "click" visitors help provide mammograms to those in need.
www.thebreastcancersite.com
 
Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Foundation
The Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Foundation is dedicated to education and research on breast cancer causes, treatment and the search for a cure.
www.komen.org
 
Breast Cancer Information from National Breast Cancer Foundation Inc
Breast cancer information including early signs and symptoms of breast cancer, myths, early detection, breast cancer research and more from National Breast ...
www.nationalbreastcancer.org
 
BreastCancer.Net: http://www.breastcancer.net
A clearinghouse for the latest news and information on the prevention, detection and treatment of breast cancer.
www.breastcancer.net
 
Breast Cancer Treatment with Traditional Chinese Medicine
Educational resources on using Traditional Chinese Medicine to treat and prevent breast cancer.
www.breastcancer.com
 
Breast Cancer Care - Homepage
Breast Cancer Care is the UK's leading provider of information, practical assistance and emotional support for anyone affected by breast cancer or breast ...
www.breastcancercare.org.uk
 
Breakthrough Breast Cancer
Breakthrough Breast Cancer is the UKs leading charity committed to fighting breast cancer through research and education.
www.breakthrough.org.uk
 
MedlinePlus: Breast Cancer
Search MEDLINE/PubMed for recent research articles on Breast Cancer: • Breast Cancer ... Select services and providers for Breast Cancer in your area. ...
www.nlm.nih.gov
 
Breast Cancer Research |
Online and print journal covering topics of basic and clinical research relevant to breast cancer. Research articles are free to all users.
breast-cancer-research.com
 
National Breast Cancer Centre - Evidence based information for ...
The National Breast Cancer Centre of Australia providing information about breast cancer for consumers and health professionals.
www.nbcc.org.au
 
Canadian Breast Cancer Foundation: Run for the Cure: Select Language
Charitable organization which raises money to advance research, education, diagnosis and treatment.
www.cbcf.org
 
Breast cancer - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
That is why you will see breast cancer patients wearing braces, ... [5] Men can also develop breast cancer, but their risk is less than one in 1000 (see sex ...
en.wikipedia.org
 
End Breast Cancer from Care2.com and TBCF!
Help stop Breast Cancer by clicking daily - free! Supports efforts by The Breast Cancer Fund.
breastcancer.care2.com
 
National Breast Cancer Foundation
The ultimate goal of the National Breast Cancer Foundation (NBCF) is to raise enough money to fund a cure for breast cancer. As Australia’s leading national ...
www.nbcf.org.au
 
Y-ME National Breast Cancer Organization
Support and information about the condition from this non-profit entity. Headquartered in Chicago, Illinois.
www.y-me.org
 
Breast Cancer Home Page - National Cancer Institute
Information about breast cancer treatment, prevention, genetics, causes, screening, clinical trials, research and statistics from the National Cancer ...
www.cancer.gov
 
What You Need To Know About™ Breast Cancer - National Cancer Institute
Information about detection, symptoms, diagnosis, and treatment of breast cancer. NIH Publication No. 05-1556.
www.cancer.gov
 
Breast Cancer Campaign - Researching the cure
Breast Cancer Campaign is the only charity that specialises in funding independent breast cancer research throughout the UK.
www.breastcancercampaign.org
 
NBCC - NBCC - National Breast Cancer Coalition
The National Breast Cancer Coalition Fund is a grassroots organization dedicated to ending breast cancer through the power of action and advocacy.
www.natlbcc.org
 
 

 

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