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Are You Living On An Island Of Fear?
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Successful Dating and Marriage (1)
Chapter One
“In a high-divorce society, not only are more unhappy marriages likely to end in divorce, but in addition, more marriages are likely to become unhappy." -- COUNCIL ON FAMILIES IN AMERICA.
.................................................
When Japanese government officials conceived building an airport in Narita, little did they know that the airport will later come to be associated with divorce. Even the engineers and architects, who dreamt up the plan, forgot to dream about wed locks and goodbyes. Morpheus, the god of dreams, did not remind them.
Now, the term Narita divorce, has been coined for the newlyweds who on arrival at Narita Airport after a honeymoon, immediately head to the court to file divorce papers. Bad word!
Marriages have been known to hit the rocks, the night after the weeding day. Some may wait to happen after the birth of the first child, while others may choose to divorce after their golden jubilee.
The story of broken marriages -- marital bliss turned marital misery, is worldwide. And this is happening despite an army of psychologists, psychiatrists, clergymen, and other counselors offering advice on marriage, including a horde of publications on the subject. People have even written best-sellers, offering advice on broken families. Ask Inyanla Vanzant, the author of the book, Yesterday I Cried.
Let's get some statistics. Britain has the highest divorce rate in Europe (4 out of 10 marriages), Canada and Japan (1 out of 3 marriages), Zimbabwe (2 out of every 5 marriage) and Spain (1 out of 8 marriages.) Also in Australia, divorce rates have quadrupled since the 1980's, and in the United States and other lands, teenage mothers and children born out of wedlock, have been on the rise.
In other countries, like Germany, the traditional family has totally been abandoned. In that country, single persons and individuals account for a majority of the families. And in France, people are marrying less, and divorcing more.
The effect of broken families -- the oldest human institution -- is already telling on us. What with the violence that we see around us today?
Family disintegration has led to the fall of great empires like Rome and Greece. May it not lead to the end of our civilization!
But why are married couples increasingly getting divorce certificates or simply living as roommates, or what has been called emotional divorce? Because they started their marriages with the wrong foot. And head to the wrong people to seek advice -- marriage counselors.
These series of articles will help you to get your marriage on a good start, and stay married. Because it will tell you God's view about marriage. And since God is the creator and originator of marriage, he is the best authority on this matter.
In these series, you will find answers to questions that you may have asked such as: How can I find a compatible mate? What are the rules of dating? How do I know if I am ready for marriage? What happens on the wedding day? What is needed for a successful marriage? How should disagreements be settled? What is my role in the family? How can a husband get his wife's respect? Why does a wife need her husband's love? Who is the decision maker? What about the children? And many more…
But first; folks, let us look out for the dangers in a marriage. Knowing these dangers, like a sailor knowing the location of the hidden rocks under the sea, will help you to find success in your courtship and marriage, sex and happiness.
So, what are they?
Chapter Two
"It seems much easier to fall in love than to stay in love." --DR. KAREN KAYSER.
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Would you want to marry in haste and repent at leisure? No, folk. May that not be your destiny. But you see, marriage is like a packed theater with some uninterested spectators wanting to get out, and other interested ones waiting outside, wishing to get in.
If you think though that marriage can solve all of your problems, you are mistaken. Ask a married friend. But it can give you a measure of security and satisfaction if you play by the rules.
But we forget the rules before we rush into matrimony. And when a sailor forgets his navigation rules, he suffers a shipwreck.
You see, people enter into marriage relationships with little or no preparation. If you were entering the university for example, you will be asked to sit for a qualifying exam. You may even be asked to show other supporting qualifications like the TOEFL if you were heading for a U.S. university.
But these are small things compared to the permanent
relationship of marriage. Yet the only requirement in the marriage registry is your signature. Nothing else.
However, there are dangers to watch out for just before you append your signature to that marriage certificate. And what are they?
Failed Expectations
People think of marriage as a kind of fiction story where the characters "live happily ever after." But it is never so. Because the great expectation of your Sleeping Beauty or Prince Charming may turn out to be a bad dream. The love, attention and support that you badly craved before marriage may turn out to be a tale of rejection and disillusion.
Incompatibility
You may also discover after the marriage that both of you are poles apart -- with different interests. Those characteristics which were hidden before the marriage now becomes manifest. And it becomes a story of "if I had known." (No thanks to mismatch and your beguiling mate!)
Conflict
Your Happy Valley or Fortunate Isles, now turns to be a battlefield of squabbling, fighting, and God forbid -- physical violence. The very sweet words, like honeycombs which were used to win your hand in marriage now become weapons of abuse and "war."
Apathy
It may be that you will one day find yourself saying: "I am no longer interested." And then the marriage drags on and on, like a factory worker tolerating a bad job -- to keep body and soul together. And one day, apathy turns to hate, and you find yourself telling your partner that the "game" is up!
Money
Do not deceive yourself thinking that money will make you happy. It does the opposite, says Paul Getty the American millionaire.
Now suppose there is bickering over money in a joint venture? Or suppose your previously rich spouse now suffers financial misfortune? And you who were used to summer holidays in the Virgin Islands, and cruising in yachts in the Mediterranean now see poverty and hardship staring at you in the face? What will you do?
Parenthood
You may find out that the love you had for your mate now begins to drop when children start coming in. The reason may be that you no longer have time for each other, or your mate is now getting old. Is it time to sue for divorce?
Deceit
It may vex you to find out that you are living with an infidel, a betrayal of trust, and not a friend and confidant. Now, suppose you find out that your mate lied to you about his or her history before the marriage? Or what if you find that your mate was cheating on you -- committing adultery?
Sex
Suppose your partner starts depriving you of sex? Or what if sex, which was supposed for enjoyment now becomes mechanical? Some have even used sex as a bargain tool : Buy me a Swiss gold watch, and I will give you sex!
Some wives have woken up after the wedding day to find out that their husbands were impotents, or eunuchs. Husbands have also been told by their wives that they would die if they had sex together. Because they have husbands who satisfy their sexual desires in the spirit world! What would you call that?
Superstition
This may also affect your marriage depending on where you live. Barrenness, miscarriages, unseen attacks, deaths and broken marriages have been supposedly caused by wicked spirits. Does this bother you? Maybe not. But know that wicked spirits exist.
In-laws
If you allow your in-laws to intrude into your family, they may ruin your marriage. Both of you are now one, and should be able to solve your marital problems without frequenting your parents, or relations for advice.
Friends
What kinds of associates do you and your mate have? Are they unwholesome friends? They will not help your marriage. Know that bad company can corrupt good manners.
These are some of the things may shipwreck a marriage. They may not be the case with your family. But know that there is no perfect family on this earth. So there must be one kind of problem or the other in your family. Now what are required to make a marriage successful?
To be continued
(EXCERPTED FROM THE BOOK, “SUCCESSFUL DATING AND MARRIAGE.” THIS TEN-CHAPTER BOOK IS AVAILABLE FOR SALE. INTERESTED BUYERS SHOULD CONTACT THE AUTHOR.)
ARTHUR ZULU is an editor, book reviewer, playwright, and published author. He also writes short stories, scripts, essays, and poems.
For his works and FREE helps for writers, goto:
http://controversialwriter.tripod.com
mailto: controversialwriter@yahoo.com
Web search: Arthur Zulu
About the Author
ARTHUR ZULU is an editor, book reviewer, playwright, and published author. He also writes short stories, scripts, essays, and poems.
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