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5 Tips for Successful Grandparenting
Building on the cherished connection between grandparents and grandchildren is a life-long privilege. As grandchildren grow and mature the role grandparents play in the lives of their grandchildren changes but the principals remain true at any age. ...
Is Your Baggage Holding You Back?
Here you are single again and ready to re-enter the big scary world of dating, and like most everyone, you bring along “baggage”. We all have it; some more than others, however, now is the time to analyze the necessity of that baggage in your new...
Learning to Trust Again
Eleven o’clock on a weeknight I found myself phoning a man whom I’d recently met. We had been talking regularly and I just wanted to hear the sound of his voice. No answer. After four rings his answering machine kicked in and I hung up. How...
Success Begins Within
Incorporating bodybuilding into my lifestyle has been one of the best decisions I ever made. My early childhood was marred by the trauma of sexual abuse. Although these memories were repressed until just a few years ago, I spent most of my life...
Why Does God Permit Wickedness and Suffering? (Part 2)
Title: WHY DOES GOD PERMIT WICKEDNESS & SUFFERING ? (Part 2)
Author: Arthur Zulu
Contact Author: mailto: controversialwriter@yahoo.com Copyright: Copyright © Arthur Zulu 2002 Word Count: 600 words
Web Address: ...
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Controlling Behavior, Loving Behavior
The following article is offered for free use in your ezine,
print publication or on your web site, so long as the author resource box at the end is included. Notification of publication would be appreciated.
Title: Controlling Behavior, Loving Behavior
Author: Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
E-mail: mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com
Copyright: © 2003 by Margaret Paul
Web Address: http://www.innerbonding.com
Word Count: 784
Category: Relationships
CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR, LOVING BEHAVIOR
By Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
When Zack and Tiffany started counseling with me, they were on the verge of divorce after 16 years of marriage. Neither really wanted to end the marriage, yet both were miserable. Both of them believed that their misery was because of the other person, and both could clearly articulate what the other person was doing wrong.
"Tiffany is just so distant and unaffectionate most of the time, and when we are together she is so critical of me. I can’t seem to do anything right in her eyes. I try really hard to please her, but no matter what I do, it’s not good enough."
"I just can’t seem to connect with Zack. He’s a really nice guy but I just can’t feel anything with him. I feel irritated with him a lot and I don’t really know why. He just annoys me. I feel like he’s always wanting something from me and I just don’t like being around him. And he’s so darn nice! What’s wrong with me that I don’t like someone being so nice?"
I could see immediately that the underlying problem in this relationship was that both Zack and Tiffany were stuck in various forms of controlling behavior, yet neither of them were consciously trying to control.
Zack was a caretaker. He tried to control by being a "nice guy" and doing everything he thought Tiffany wanted, including making dinner every night, doing the laundry, and doing most of the child-care, even though both of them worked. He secretly believed that if he was nice enough, he could have control over Tiffany loving him and being turned on to him. What he didn’t realize is that his niceness was really a "pull" on Tiffany, which is one reason she kept her distance. Underneath, Zack had a big fear of rejection and was trying to have control over Tiffany not rejecting him.
Tiffany was trying to control Zack primarily with her criticism. She was critical any time she felt Zack wanting something from her to make him feel safe and loved. She had a secret hope that if she criticized him enough, he would stop pulling on her for affection, sex and attention. Unconsciously, Tiffany had a huge fear of enfulfment, and was trying to protect herself from being engulfed and controlled by Zack. In addition,
Tiffany could not experience who Zack was because he was putting himself aside to please her. She could not connect with him until he was authentically himself.
Everything Zack did to protect against rejection tapped into Tiffany’s fear of engulfment, while everything Tiffany did to protect against engulfment tapped into Zack’s fear of rejection. The more Zack pulled with niceness, the more Tiffany moved away, and the more Tiffany moved away, the more Zack pulled. What was the way out of this protective circle?
Both Zack and Tiffany needed to learn how to take loving care of themselves, rather than attempt to control the other. Zack needed to learn how to not take Tiffany’s behavior as a personal rejection. He needed to see that her withdrawal was coming from her fear of engulfment that he was tapping into, but he was not the cause of her fear. She had this fear way before meeting him. Zack also needed to start to be loving to himself rather than "nice" to Tiffany. He needed to learn to take responsibility for his own feelings of well-being instead of being dependent upon Tiffany for them. In learning to take care of himself, he would naturally stop pulling on Tiffany for his sense of worth and security.
Tiffany needed to learn to speak her truth without blaming or judging. Instead of withdrawing and criticizing, she needed to stand up for herself and set loving limits with Zack in order to move beyond her fear of engulfment. She needed to learn to say things like, "Zack, I appreciate the dinner you made, but I feel like you made it with an expectation that I should now love you, rather than because you felt like making dinner. I’d rather that you not make dinner unless you are doing it because you really want to and without an expectation attached. I feel pulled on and it doesn’t feel good."
Zack and Tiffany decided that it was worth learning how to be loving to themselves and then see what happened with their marriage. Fortunately, because both of them were devoted to learning to take full, 100% responsibility for their own feelings and needs, they were able to move out of their protective, controlling circle and into a loving circle. As they learned to take responsibility for themselves, their love for each other gradually returned.
About the Author
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?" She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or margaret@innerbonding.com.
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| divorce.co.uk - advice on mediation, counselling and legal aspects ... |
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| Divorce - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia |
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| The Divorce Support Page: Divorce, Child Custody, Alimony, Support ... |
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| Advice, recommended books, and telephone counseling to help couples resolve difficult issues connected with divorce or even save their marriage. |
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| An electronic journal providing information and referrals for people facing divorce. |
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| In the short-term, please use the Application for Divorce form which can be found at ... Our E-mail address for family law enquiries (including divorce) is ... |
| www.divorce.gov.au |
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| DivorceCare: Divorce Recovery Support Groups |
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| John Crouch speaks about divorce law reform and presents a paper by John Crouch and Richard ... To find out how to work on divorce reform in your state ... |
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| Divorce Busting® - Solve Marriage Problems, Save My Marriage, Save ... |
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