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Divorce and Separation - A Child’s perspective
It is always the children that suffer the most when a marriage breaks down and separation or divorce is imminent. Children of divorcing parents often witness arguments even rows and this has a strong effect on any child. Children do not understand...
Helping Children Cope With Death
Age is not a prerequisite to grief. Not unlike their parents, child must be allowed to experience the stages of grief. Denial of opportunity to “release” feelings, participate in family loss, and share in recovery can be very damaging to the...
How I Learned to Love My Buddha Belly
My journey of acceptance of my body, and my belly.
After years of struggle and angst while viewing fashion magazines, I can finally say with all honesty I love and totally accept my little Buddha belly. It’s about as round now as when my son...
How to Prevent a Custody Battle After Divorce.
I recently marked the six-year anniversary of my custody battle. I have learned vital lessons that I want to share with all parents. Divorce yourself emotionally from your former spouse. Mind your own business. Their life is no longer married to...
Signs Of Infidelity: My Marriage Made Me Do It
Infidelity has different faces...and different signs and patterns.
Yes, infidelity is complex. You probably know that or perhaps feel the overwhelm and confusion.
Most I work with find tremendous relief, a sense of control, confidence and...
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Do You Really Want a Relationship?
With a divorce rate in this country that approaches 50%, and a fairly sizable percentage of marriages that aren’t particularly blissful, it’s difficult to avoid searching for the answer to the battle of the sexes.
Would you like to stop searching?
We’ve moved through the old paradigm of getting your needs met in relationships and it has proven itself to be a miserable failure. Why? Attempting to get your needs met in your relationship causes some troublesome things to happen. First, it causes you to focus mainly on your needs and not on the desires of your partner. Secondly, it sets you up for disaster because it has you believing that you deserve something that may well not be delivered.
All across this great country of ours, battles are raging between men and women: she needs to talk and connect, and he needs his space and independence. Who wins here?
The answer, of course, is that both lose because of a flawed view of what a successful relationship is all about. What also happens is that both people start to blame the other for not meeting their needs.
For men who are really serious about success in their relationships, it’s important to understand how blaming your partner is an enormous problem itself. It creates a bigger problem and has you convinced that you are not part of the problem. Nothing could be further from the truth. Blaming has never worked and never will. It may have you feeling justified in your position, but it will always hurt your relationship.
It’s particularly important to develop the realization that your feelings can deceive you in your relationship with your partner. This can be difficult for people raised during the honor your feelings era of relationships. Your feelings tell you things like, I can’t believe she could do
something like that to me, or, How could she treat me so badly? These feelings are the result of your own low self-esteem and your own personal history of victimization.
While it’s true that your partner may treat you in a way you don’t like sometimes, it’s not true that you need to react to it with strong negative feelings. These strong negative feelings are a reflection of your own esteem issues. They also have a way of keeping your partner engaged in the struggle with you so that you can continue to blame each other. When you are both engaged in the struggle, you’ll believe that she needs to be fixed. She’ll think the same of you. Nobody wins and everybody loses. This isn’t very smart or effective.
What would happen for men in their important relationships if they gave up defending themselves and believing their needs needed to be met? What would happen if they worked at being kind and caring with their partners? I’ll tell you what would happen. They’d have great relationships! After all, the only thing that you can do to improve a relationship is to improve you.
So stop looking over at your partner and seeing all of her flaws. Stop blaming her. She has issues just like we all do. But if you see her as a collection of flaws you’ll have no chance at a successful relationship. And it’s successful relationships in life that make us truly happy.
About the Author
Mark Brandenburg MA, CPCC, is a certified personal coach, speaker, and workshop leader who helps men to create balance in their lives and to immediately improve their family relationships, guaranteed! He is the author of Fix Your Wife in 30 Days or Less (http://www.markbrandenburg.com/e_book.htm#fix and can be reached at
mark@markbrandenburg.com or at http://www.markbrandenburg.com.
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