|
|
|
Beyond the pain and stigma to healing
Like many other divorced women I was depressed; had questions about why I could not keep a man; and angry. For almost twenty years I successfully raised my children. This article discusses how to raise responsible children even with this...
Coming Out... As an Internet Dater
A few weeks ago I was having lunch with a casual acquaintance. As we were chatting, she mentioned her new boyfriend, Adam. "Oh," I asked. "How did you two meet?" She looked around and said, "Well, I guess I can tell you. I mean, he tells...
Family Mental Illness -- Coping
Experience and Coping Strategies of Living with Mental Illness
"The mental illness of a family member is an unexpected event that disrupts the usual sense of continuity an rhythm in the lifecycle with a profound impact on young family members"....
Give-And-Take: Recipe for Success in Marriage?
A woman once visited a counselor to ask a question about her marriage. I have a funny feeling that you might not be especially impressed with the answer she was given.
All the same, I'll take my chances. I think my shoulders are broad enough....
Think You Can’t Afford Your Own Home, Think Again!
Do you have bad credit, no credit, filed a bankruptcy, have a ton of late pays, medical bills, or been through a divorce? Well, we have the perfect solution for you - Lease Purchasing your own home! What is Lease Purchasing? A Lease Purchase is a...
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
How to Get Back the Man You Married
Rekindle the romance that brought you together
When my parents were growing up, during the depression and the
war years that followed, married couples were not accustomed to
worrying about romantic and emotional needs. Later, my mother
was too busy bringing up seven children to consider revealing
her inner feelings to my father. He would have been confused and
defensive if someone had suggested that being a good provider
wasn't enough of a contribution to his marriage.
Today, however, we don't marry just for security and protection,
but for love, romance and emotional fulfillment. To keep our
marriages alive, we need to master a set of skills that our
parents never even considered.
Over the years, I've heard numerous clients complain that their
husbands are no longer as attentive or interested in them as
they were early in the relationship. They wonder, "What happened
to the man that I fell in love with?" Our answer is that he's
still there and, with a little effort and understanding,
everyone has the power to bring back romance to a marriage.
I've watched many couples on the verge of divorce fall in love
again. You, too, can achieve lasting passion, intimacy and
happiness in your marriage. Here's how: 1. Get back in touch
"Bill is rarely affectionate with me any more," says Jane. "The
only time he touches me is when he wants sex. I feel used."
In the beginning, Bill held Jane's hand in public, stroked her
hair, hugged her, and wrapped his arm around her when they
walked. But once they started having sex, he only touched Jane
when he was "in the mood."
What Jane didn't understand was that, when Bill caressed her
during their courtship, it was because he was not allowed to
touch her intimately. While a man is dating a woman, he has to
practice physical restraint. But once he is given the green
light to touch her in a sexual way, his impulse for affectionate
touching may wane. After the intense pleasures of sexual touch,
a simple caress can pale by comparison.
Bill didn't instinctively understand Jane's need for non sexual
touch. As children, both boys and girls want to be cuddled. When
boys hit puberty, the desire for sexual contact becomes stronger
than for non sexual contact. Women, on the other hand, may never
lose that strong need to be held. As Bill began to understand
why non sexual touching was important to Jane, he started
touching her as affectionately as during their courtship. Jane
encouraged him by letting him know how much she liked it. Over
time, touching became an enjoyable and sensual experience for
Bill too. 2. Compliments are free
Tom always commented on Mary's appearance when they were
courting. "You took great," he'd say, or "I love how you look
tonight." After years of marriage, though, he gradually stopped
noticing and complimenting her. Mary felt hurt and rejected and
stopped trying to be attractive. When she did dress up and asked
how she looked, he'd respond, "Fine. Let's go, we're late." Soon
she stopped asking.
As a woman's body alters with the years and her relationship
with her husband goes through changes, she can need lots of
reassurance that he still finds her appealing. Like many men,
Tom assumed that Mary knew he was attracted to her -- after all,
he'd wanted her for his bride.
I told them about Bob and Susan, who had been married for nine
years. When Bob stopped complimenting her, Susan requested a
favor. "If I ask you how I look," she said, "would you say that
I look beautiful and wonderful?" Bob asked if she wanted him to
say that even if he really didn't feel like it. She replied,
"Yes, I would love it." Bob jokingly said, "OK, you look
beautiful and wonderful." Susan continued to question him about
her appearance almost every day and Bob responded dutifully.
But one time, after about three months, his answer was
different. "You look beautiful," he said. "You look wonderful --
and this time, I mean it. I'm glad you asked me to do this. I
never realized how beautiful you really are." After hearing this
story, Mary understood that asking Tom for compliments wasn't
begging for love. Within a few months, she was beaming. By
encouraging him to be more consciously attentive, she got the
response that she needed.
3. Can we talk?
"When we first met we used to have long conversations," Colleen
said. "Now, we don't talk at all. I feel as if I'm dying of
thirst in a desert. It's not just Steve. I don't have anything
to say either. I feel as if our love has gone." In fact, Steve's
feelings for his wife hadn't changed. He just showed them
differently. "Why do we always have to talk?" he asked. "Why
can't we just be with each other and do things together?" In the
beginning, Steve talked to let Colleen know who he was.
He
listened to learn about her.
Once they knew each other, from his perspective, there wasn't
much more to say. What Steve didn't understand is that women
experience greater intimacy by sharing thoughts and feelings.
Even if Colleen had nothing important to discuss, sometimes she
wanted to talk just to feel close. A woman wants to share her
victories and losses. For a man, though, talk about losses
usually means that she wants his help in resolving problems. I
suggested that, instead of trying to get Steve to talk, Colleen
should ask him to listen.
To set this up, she said to her husband, "When you get home,
give me five minutes of your undivided attention. That's all I
need. I just want to tell you all about my day -- you don't have
to say anything. It would make me feet good." Within a few
weeks, Steve realized that he could listen to Colleen without
feeling pressured to solve her problems. He even began to share
news about his own day. Colleen, in turn, appreciated his
attention.
4. Little things
"Before we got married, Roger would do all sorts of things for
me," Georgia claimed. "He put out the rubbish, carried boxes,
washed my car. Suddenly he stopped. It makes me feel like I'm
not important to him anymore." Like many men, Roger had been
motivated to do little things during courtship. But, after
marrying, he felt that sharing his income and the rest of his
life were much bigger gifts. He was surprised and deflated when
it didn't win him more appreciation.
Georgia turned the situation around. "I know how hard you work,"
she said, "and that you want to rest when you get home. I would
really appreciate it, though, if you would just put out the
rubbish for me." Being goal orientated, men find it hard to
shift directions. So, in the beginning, Roger grumbled. But the
fact that he emptied the bins made Georgia feel more special
than the work that captured most of his attention.
As Roger saw how strongly she valued what he did for her, he put
out the rubbish because it made his wife so happy. The secret to
getting more from a man is to appreciate what he is already
giving and then ask for more in small increments. Having solved
the rubbish problem, Georgia knew that, over time, she could
restore to the relationship many elements that she had loved
when they were dating.
5. Golden 20 minutes
In early courtship, a man is on the hunt. He is completely
focused on winning over the woman he cares for and will do
whatever it takes to be successful. His ability to focus so
intently makes a big impact on the woman who is the center of
his desire. Problems begin only after he succeeds. Having won
her, he relaxes and redirects his energy towards a new goal.
I remember my first year married to Bonnie. Like most marriages,
it started out very loving and we were both happy. Then, as
months passed, Bonnie became disenchanted. We talked less and
less. The change was so gradual that I didn't even notice it.
Eventually, it became clear that Bonnie was genuinely unhappy.
With tears in her eyes, she told me that I loved my work more
than her. She said that I gave all of my energy to my clients
and had nothing left for her.
I decided to come home earlier every day and devote 20 minutes
entirely to Bonnie. I told myself that she was my most important
client. I'd hug her. Whatever she was doing, I would join in. I
cut carrots, cleaned work tops and emptied waste paper baskets.
Or I would simply sit with her, talk a little about my day and
ask her questions about hers.
Eventually, Bonnie started to open up and glow after our 20
shared minutes. Now, when I get busy at work and forget to give
her the golden 20 minutes, I notice our relationship falling
back into a predictable routine. So I begin again.
As we go through married life, it's easy to misinterpret the
motives of our partners and begin to feel that they don't love
us as much. But once a woman learns to interpret a man's
behavior correctly, she becomes empowered to bring about the
changes that she wants. With a little work, romantic feelings
can be rekindled, and you can see once more in your spouse the
man with whom you fell in love.
To learn more about John Gray and the Mars Venus Coaching
Program, visit us on the web at http://www.askmarsvenus.com
About the author:
John Gray is the author of 15 best-selling books, including Men
Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus, the number one best-selling
relationship book of the last decade. In the past ten years,
over 30 million Mars and Venus books have been sold in over 40
languages throughout the world.
An expert in the field of communication, John Gray's focus is to
help men and women understand, respect and appreciate their
differences in both personal and profes
|
|
|
|
|
| divorce.co.uk - advice on mediation, counselling and legal aspects ... |
| An overview of divorce in the UK, including the law, mediation options and emotional support, from Mills & Reeve. |
| www.divorce.co.uk |
|
| Divorce Magazine, information about separation and divorce |
| Divorce Magazine is a compassionate self-help resource for people in need of information about separation and divorce. |
| www.divorcemag.com |
|
| Divorce - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia |
| Divorce or dissolution of marriage is the ending of a marriage before the ... A decree of divorce is initially granted 'nisi', i.e. (unless cause is later ... |
| en.wikipedia.org |
|
| DivorceNet - Divorce Net: Family Law Information, Solutions, News ... |
| DivorceNet® is the Internet's largest divorce resource, offering state-specific articles, an online community and a nationwide directory of divorce lawyers, ... |
| www.divorcenet.com |
|
| The Divorce Support Page: Divorce, Child Custody, Alimony, Support ... |
| a support site for people experiencing, divorce, dissolution, separation, custody, alimony, visitation, etc. Divorce professionals to help you in your area. |
| www.divorcesupport.com |
|
| Divorce Source: a legal resource for divorce, custody, alimony ... |
| A state specific divorce web site providing information and referrals for people facing and experiencing issues revolving around divorce, separation, ... |
| www.divorcesource.com |
|
| DivorceInfo Surviving Divorce Managing Lawyers Alimony Child Support |
| Divorceinfo -Survive your divorce with some money in your pocket and your dignity intact. |
| www.divorceinfo.com |
|
| Divorce - Wex |
| An overview of divorce law with links to key primary and secondary sources, from Cornell University's Legal Information Institute. |
| www.law.cornell.edu |
|
| MedlinePlus: Divorce |
| Children; Children and Divorce (American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry) ... Select services and providers for Divorce in your area. ... |
| www.nlm.nih.gov |
|
| Divorce Aid :: Online Guide to UK Divorce Law, Information and Advice |
| The largest free online interactive divorce resource in the UK for divorce law, advice, emotional support, counselling, mediation, and website for ... |
| www.divorceaid.co.uk |
|
| Divorce-Online :The UK's leading low cost divorce service |
| The largest free online divorce and separation resource in the UK with information, forums, chat, experts and articles. |
| www.divorce-online.co.uk |
|
| How to Divorce As Friends - Featured on Oprah - Bill Ferguson |
| Advice, recommended books, and telephone counseling to help couples resolve difficult issues connected with divorce or even save their marriage. |
| www.divorceasfriends.com |
|
| Welcome To Divorce Online ~ www.divorceonline.com |
| An electronic journal providing information and referrals for people facing divorce. |
| www.divorceonline.com |
|
| Federal Magistrates Court - On-line Application for Divorce |
| In the short-term, please use the Application for Divorce form which can be found at ... Our E-mail address for family law enquiries (including divorce) is ... |
| www.divorce.gov.au |
|
| DivorceCare: Divorce Recovery Support Groups |
| DivorceCare is a divorce recovery support group where you can find help and healing for the hurt of separation and divorce. |
| www.divorcecare.com |
|
| Divorce Central Home Page |
| Links to divorce-related resources, organized by state, with an archive of articles and interviews. |
| www.divorcecentral.com |
|
| Divorce Helpline — tools to keep you out of court |
| Providing information about divorce, and referrals to family law attorneys. |
| www.divorcehelp.com |
|
| Divorce and relationship breakdown : Directgov - Parents |
| Advice on counselling, mediation and the divorce process, including where to find a solicitor. |
| www.direct.gov.uk |
|
| Americans for Divorce Reform, Inc. |
| John Crouch speaks about divorce law reform and presents a paper by John Crouch and Richard ... To find out how to work on divorce reform in your state ... |
| www.divorcereform.org |
|
| Divorce Busting® - Solve Marriage Problems, Save My Marriage, Save ... |
| Divorce is not the answer to marriage problems. Stop your divorce and save your marriage with advice from Michele Weiner-Davis. |
| www.divorcebusting.com |
|
|