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How to Prepare for Marriage
An Internet Question: WHY ARE THERE SO MANY DIVORCES AND
SEPARATIONS IN THE WORLD TODAY?
1) Corbin says: I believe this is because that most people
really are not prepared for marriage to begin with. Two
suggestions I would make concerning this are 1) that there
should be a 3 to 6 month counseling period for a couple before
they get married, and 2) marriage counseling should be a
continuous process from the crib to adulthood with an emphasis
on the responsibility of having children.
2) Marilyn says: Corbin, I absolutely agree with you. I think a
three to six month period of Biblical counseling would be ideal.
However, the reality is there will always be single moms and I
would like to see the church help these women so they don't have
to work. (and I think that's a Biblical position too).
3) John says: Good topic. These suggestions probably will help,
but unfortunately in reality both parties to a marriage don't
put enough effort in to save their marriages, and they think
divorce is an easy way out. And it's especially bad for the kids
in these marriages.
4) Jim says: Corbin, I definately agree with you that there
should be more preparation before marriage. I believe that the
best time to educate children about marriage and relationships
is in high school. I don't think that marriage and child rearing
education need to go hand in hand. Many couples choose not to
have children. I think what is important is that young people
need to be taught about expectations - what's realistic and
what's not. Young people should be taught more about how to
really get to know someone, and that takes time...and definitely
not to rush into anything.
5) Jill says: Pre-nup counseling and teaching proper
expectations are great ideas, but I'm not sure it would work in
the real world when you're actually involved in a real
commitment. It's like trench warfare. You really don't know how
you're going to react until you're fired upon.
6) Joan says: I believe society encourages divorce, and that we
have to pass stricter laws governing divorce, especially when
children are involved. It's really not necessarily greener on
the other side of the fence.
7) Jay says: I think one of the problems young people have in
contemplating marriage is that they have to get on the other
side of the wall of their infatuation for each other, so they
can really get to know each other before they make a lasting
commitment.
8) Cliff says: A pastor I know has always required counseling
sessions for couples who wanted to be married by him. Otherwise
he wouldn't marry them.
9) Jane says: My husband and I only knew each other for 3 months
when we got married and I was pregnant at the time. But over
time we found out what true love was all about. Despite this, I
feel counseling before or after a marriage is always a good
thing.
10) Mary says. Actually, example is the supreme teacher in
building relationships.
11) Arthur says: Respect and caring for another more than
ourselves is the very essence of love.
12) Sarah says. I was married twice. The first for 16 years in a
miserable marriage. I tried to make it a success, but couldn't.
The second turned out to be a dream of a marriage for 20 years.
So sometimes divorce is necessary.
13) Mathew says: In Australia there are what is known as
"Marriage Enrichment Weekends" which help to strengthen
marriages that are already in existence.
14) Steve says: First, there has to be a common, mutual bond
before getting romantically involved. Then there is agape love,
one that loves without condition. Jesus, during His ministry,
was about that. My wife and I are Christians, serving the Lord
with our marriage and our lives. We have been through many
trials and frustrations within the 5 years we've been married.
But it is Christ that has strengthened us. Preparation for
marriage is more than the wedding. It takes a commitment on both
parties to seek out for the others well-being, but first and
foremost to seek after what the Lord desires for both their
lives.
15) Shirley says: I think the big problem is that so many kids
grow up in families with bad role models for parents. Bad
marriages breed children who grow up and enter bad marriages.
Young people jump into marriage thinking it is going to be the
answer to all their problems and they will live happily ever
after without realizing the difficulties involved. Couples look
at their parents and think they will not make the same mistakes
but then they marry and do the exact same things. Even after
some counseling, more often than not, the young couple are so in
love and planning the wedding that they are not planning for the
marriage. Young people should realize that marriage is a
vocation. It is a lifetime commitment and jumping ship when the
going gets tough should not be an option. I am a firm believer
that if two people once loved each other, even if they think it
has died, it can be revived, with work and perseverence.
16) Corbin says: To help one prepare for marriage and a lasting
relationship, I have a list of questions one should really ask
oneself about one's partner. See below. The most difficult
problem in relationships is actually one's attitude toward
money. Marriage really should be based on a cold calculated
decision, NOT on some madly pasionate romantic desire. Many
times I think there's more effort exerted in planning the
wedding rather than the marriage.
RELATIONSHIP BUILDING
QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF ABOUT YOUR PARTNER THAT COULD HELP
BUILD A STRONG RELATIONSHIP, IF YOU CAN LIVE WITH THE ANSWERS
A) Personality Traits
1) has good taste in choice of clothes. 2) has no unattractive
nervous habits. 3) makes too much of neatness and cleanliness.
4) pays attention to personal appearance. 5) strives to keep
promises. 6) tries to be on time to keep engagements. 7) has
sleep and work habits I like. 8) has food and drink habits like
mine. 9) is a calm person. 10) is an efficient person. 11) has
standards I honestly admire. 12) is an interesting and
stimulating companion. 13) is at ease in social conversation.
14) has good manners. 15) considers the feelings of others.
B) Religion
16) believes too strongly that the church knows best in all
things. 17) feels that his or her religion is superior or
inferior to mine. 18) lives according to his or her religious
beliefs. 19) wants our social life to center around the church.
20) is against the church. 21) believes and feels as I do about
religion. 22) is a religious
person. 23) accepts all religious
views as good. 24) wants to argue about religion. 25) is set in
religious ways and will not change. 26) thinks we will be
unhappy unless we agree on religion
C) Health
27) worries about his or her health. 28) is in good physical
health. 29) is in good emotional health. 30) needs medical care
to maintain good health. 31) has close relatives who are
mentally ill. 32) has close relatives who are deformed or
retarded.
D) Companionship
33) enjoys being with me. 34) is interested and likes most of
the things I like. 35) enjoys and is at ease with the people I
like. 36) likes and gets along with children. 37) feels we must
have the same interests and always be together. 38) has a hobby
or sport I do not like. 39) has interests and activities I can't
share. 40) prefers many people to small groups. 41) would rather
travel than stay at home. 42) prefers a quiet evening with me to
parties.
E) Sex
43) sees sex as more than physical love. 44) knows that both men
and women have need for sexual self expression. 45) thinks of
sex as a wholesome part of life. 46) wants to have sex relations
before we marry. 47) gives and returns physical expressions of
affection. 48) feels that the opposite sex is inferior or
superior. 49) will be happy to limit his or her sex activities
to one partner. 50) will need sexual relations more than I. 51)
has a different understanding in what sexual relations mean in
life. 52) believes in individual or mutual masturbation, if
sexual intercourse is not an option for whatever reason. 53)
believes in social nudism (both sexes) as an optional way of
life.
F) Personality Traits II
54) faces our life together with confidence. 55) wants to be the
important person in every activity. 56) must excel in an
activity to enjoy it. 57) is dignified and formal. 58) is casual
and informal. 59) maintains balance and emotional control in
emergencies. 60) easilly loses his or her temper - is impatient.
61) is a moody person. 62) is an anxious person. 63) accepts
disappointments and adjusts to change. 64) is at ease in many
different social situations. 65) likes and is at ease with many
different types of people. 66) looks forward to new experiences
with pleasure.
G) Family
67) has a family that is more or less cultured and/or educated
than mine. 68) has a family with more or less money than mine.
69) has more or less education than I. 70) has a family of
higher or lower social standing than mine. 71) is liked and
accepted by my father. 72) is liked and accepted by my mother.
73) is liked and accepted by my brothers and sisters. 74) his or
her father likes and accepts me. 75) his or her mother likes and
accepts me. 76) his or her brothers and sisters likes and
accepts me. 77) I do not like some members of his or her family.
78) he or she does not like some members of my family. 79) is of
my race. 80) is a native of my country. 81) grew up in my
neighborhood or in one like mine.
H) Humor
82) enjoys and sees humor in situations and jokes that are funny
to me. 83) considers the feelings of others in telling jokes and
stories. 84) can take and enjoy a joke at his or her own
expense. 85) has a "life of the party" personality. 86) enjoys
crude and offensive jokes and stories. 87) joins in the fun and
humor at parties.
I) Ambition
88) is willing to work hard for success. 89) lives from day to
day without plans for the future. 90) believes that
"connections" are most important for success. 91) is sacrificing
too much for the future. 92) is unable to work for distant
goals. 93) has reasonable and possible life goals. 94) would
like to succeed without having to work. 95) feels that money and
what it buys are the important proofs of success. 96) has
ability and training to achieve the success he or she wants. 97)
lives mainly for professional success. 98) lives mainly for
social success.
J) Money
99) worries about spending money for pleasure.100) understands
"the cost of living". 100) spends money with no thought about
the future. 101) is or would be unhappy without money for
luxuries and costly pleasures. 102) spends his or her money for
selfish reasons. 103) makes good use of his or her money. 104)
is realistic in saving and planning for the future. 105) has
money but will not spend it. 106) is happy with what he or she
can afford to buy. 107) enjoys spending money to help others.
108) tries to buy love or friendship. 109) may find it difficult
to live within our income.
K) Empathy
110) believes in me and in my love. 111) shares and discusses
his or her problems with me. 112) understands me and sympathizes
with my feelings. 113) listens to and helps me solve my
problems. 114) tries to change habits and behavior I do not
like. 115) is a dependent person. 116) has more or less energy
and enthusiasm than I. 117) is more or less optimistic than I.
118) takes advantage of me and uses me. 119) is considerably
older or younger than I. 120) tries to dominate me and control
me. 121) is possessive or a jeolous person. 122) expects me to
play a dependent role. 123) accepts me as I am. 124) is
considerably taller or shorter than I.
L) Marriage
125) will treat me as his or her equal in marriage. 126) thinks
of marriage as a sacrifice of freedom. 127) will enjoy an
independent life in his or her own home. 128) avoids making
definite plans for marriage. 129) wants me to repñace his or her
mother or father. 130) has a mother or father who wants to make
all our important decisiona. 131) believes marriage will solve
our problems. 132) is ready for the responsibilities of marriage
including children. 133) may want to escape from an unpleasant
home or other problems by marriage. 134) wants to live with or
near his or her family. 135) thinks of marriage as an
opportunity for mutual growth. 136) believes we cannot be happy
unless there is as much romance in our marriage as in our
ccourtship. 137) Is in general agreement on how many children we
should have and how to raise them.
About the author:
Corbin Melvin Wright was born in New York City in 1931, grew up
on Long Island, graduated from Roanoke College in Virginia with
a BA in Political Science, and from New York Theological
Seminary with a Masters in Religious Education. He worked as an
accountant in NYC for 21 yrs. and as an English teacher and
Christian counselor in Argentina for 23 years. He was married
twice, widowed once, & has no children, E-mail address
(corbinwr@yahoo.com).
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