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Family Management Tip #1: Getting Your Family to Pitch In
Family life is busy. It's hard enough to manage your own time, but in a family you're responsible for managing everyone's time. And like any other team, your family cannot succeed without teamwork. Problem is, even though you may be close to your...
For the Love of Mommy
For most of you being a mother is one of the most wonderful and rewarding experiences that you will have in your life. It can also be a time when you feel lost and out of touch with who you are outside of being a “mommy”. Maintaining an...
How To Make Business Travel Easier On Your Family
Women in business who need to travel as part of their work face the problem of staying connected with their children when they are on the road. Most business women try to fit in a phone call coupled with a long distance bedtime kiss and a few even...
Mental Detectors Not Metal Detectors:: Family Problem-Solving
At our workshops around the country, youth professionals continue to report seeing more and more children from deeply troubled homes. If you are not a mental health worker, your college training may not have prepared you for working with children...
Spring Gardening Ideas for the Family
Spring is the perfect time to plant a garden with your child. It's educational, good exercise, a great bonding activity, and great for self-esteem. PROPER TOOLS Little hands need the right sized tools or they'll be frustrated, and "toys" are not...
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Surviving a Family Reunion
Surviving a Family Reunion
I left home at 5:00 am on a Thursday morning, and returned Sunday evening at 7:00 pm, travel weary with feelings of exhilaration and exhaustion.......yes, like many of you have, I had just attended my family reunion.
It has taken me a week to recover from this one…..emotionally, mentally and physically. Is it my age? (45) Was it the heat factor? (100+° for four days) Was it the unfortunate consequences of air travel? (very late arriving baggage) Or is it merely the recovery that is necessary when you put yourself so fully in the moment, soaking up all that you can of an experience for me, only occurs every three years. My rational conclusion is that it is a combination of all of the above, and much more.
As I reflected on the weekend of memory making activities, I begin contemplating what it is that makes a family reunion so all consuming, so important, and yet, often so very stressful.
According to many anthropologists, the proto-type for the American family reunion was brought over by the Scottish and Scot-Irish when they settled in the South and mid-Atlantic states. It is indeed a ritual, marked by the gathering of extended family to share a large scale meal. Calendars are often marked years in advance, or the same weekend every year, and planners work to put together activities with the intention of creating a wonderful experience for everyone so that more memories are made and the circle continues.
In defining the family reunion as a family ritual, the Anthropologists, James Bossard and Eleanor Boll contend the following:
“A family ritual emphasizes a behavior of which a family is proud and of which its members definitely approve. It is what the family sees about itself that it likes and wants formally to continue.”
I find this definition rather thought provoking, and certainly not one at first brush I would say “that’s it.” Yet, as I ponder its phraseology, it is. For my family, we must like the sharing of laughter, lots of it; connecting with those whom we may not see or speak to between times but for whom we are so happy to have this time to share and catch up; traveling down memory lane; and honoring those who began it all and are now with us in spirit only. We are proud of that heritage, and yes, we want much of what we stand for to continue down through the generations. It is through the events that occur one after the other during the intense 48 hours that will ensure that indeed happens. For if our children connect with the cousin’s children, and begin collecting their own databank of memories, they will ensure the tradition continues for it becomes an important ritual in their life’s journey.
To me and many I know, a family reunion is a great example of the often touted phrase, “stressed spelled backwards is desserts.” If we are in charge of planning and/or hosting, the stress includes the time and energy spent planning, organizing, and implementing, along with the often assumed pressure of needing it to be perfect for after all, it always was when we would go to “Aunt Jane’s house”. If we are merely attending, the stress somehow still finds us, perhaps in the fear of anticipating that the children will not behave or get along; or blowing the image that you have a model’s figure or even better, a model marriage; or the feeling that your life is not as successful as others........
Our challenge is to prevent these often assumed and overly anticipated stressors from clouding our experience so that instead we let them create an experience of “desserts”.
From now on, I will refer to my family reunion survival tips to guide me as I want my future family reunions to ground, connect and inspire me along life’s journey, as was the original intent.
Tip 1: Create my intention. What is it I want to get out of the experience? Perhaps it is time with Aunt Sally whose health is failing and I am anticipating this being her last one. Or maybe it is playing with the children and making sure my children have the chance to meet the members of their generation. Perhaps it is catching up with Tommy for you have heard he has been exploring a career change. Then again, maybe it is reaching out to
the one who years ago made me so angry that I no longer speak other than to say “hello”. Whatever it is, I will give myself time to thoughtfully contemplate what will make this reunion a successful experience, recognizing the only one who has control of creating my experience is me.
For me, this tip is vitally important. Over the years, I have marveled at how easy it is to find myself slipping into that childhood role that I held in the family so long ago and yet not.…. the middle child with quite a few quirks and a less than flattering figure who fiercely claimed her independence as a single woman. And with that role comes expectations, and I seem to gladly and easily begin to meet them. The best way for me to prevent that is to deliberately create my intention, and then mentally create a strategy that will fulfill it. Then I am on the offense, and even if I switch to a defensive posture for a moment or two, I can quickly switch back for I have intention.
Tip 2: Practice letting go. This of course goes right along with tip #1, for to honor it, I must let go of my historical self image and familial role. However, it takes it a step further, for it also letting go of my perceptions of others, and letting me experience them anew fully in the present moment of the reunion. For after all, don’t I owe them that if I am expecting the same? And perhaps they will prove that the best predictor of current behavior is past, and then again, maybe they will dispel that myth. I have faith.
Tip 3: Plan, even if you are not the official reunion planner. The creation of a powerful experience and the fulfillment of my intention requires planning. Making sure my accommodations will be comfortable. Talking to my husband and kids about what is planned, what they want to do, and helping them create their own intention. I want to give them choices, and share with them my intention, appreciating that they are just beginning to build memories, while I am steeped in them. I want to help alleviate their fears and anxieties, and help them identify what they can do to have a wonderful time. By reviewing old photos, I usually remind them who is who, and who belongs to whom so that they feel prepared, lessening the chance of overwhelm when they find themselves in the swarm of fifty. I also talk about the new members of the family---new spouses; children; grandchildren, and the importance of welcoming them as they were once welcomed.
Tip 4: Keep it simple. Relax. In much of life, I have a tendency to make things far more complicated than they need be and have worked diligently to change that habit. Remembering the heritage of family reunions ---an extended family gathered together to share a meal, reminds me the value that comes in keeping it simple. Relaxing. Not trying to make it more than it is; me more than I am or my kids more than they are. Nor denying that everyone is getting older, and sometimes that is the most difficult realization to accept, and yet all the more reason to keep it simple for with age it is not all about the glamour and glitter, it is about the time together---plain, pure and simple.
Tip 5: Carve out time for you to rejuvenate. My family reunion lasts 48 hours, and I tend to think two short days and its over; therefore, I have to make “hay while the sun shines” as the saying goes. Yet, when I take the time, even if just a few minutes to take a walk, exercise, rest my eyes, breathe some fresh air, or just “chill”, I stay on track with fulfilling my intention, am able to stay in the moment and take experiences for what they are without reading into them, and then I truly value each and every opportunity.
There you have it ---five easy tips to follow to make your family reunions memories of desserts rather than stressful times. You owe it to yourself, to your immediate family and to your ancestors who instilled in us the importance of connection.
About the Author
Janet Crawford holds a BA, Baylor University (1982) & MBA/MHA, University of Missouri (1984).As an Executive Coach, Professional Speaker & author, her mission is to help individuals & organizations maximize their return on human capital—managing human behaviors for optimal outcomes.
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