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Birthparent Loss and Grief
Birth Parent Loss and Grief
by Patricia E. Roles
In the last decade, there has been a growing acceptance that a
loss occurs for birth parents when adoption takes place. In the
past, the emphasis in the adoption process has largely been on
the reception of the child into the adoptive family rather than
the reciprocal loss of the baby for the birth parents and
extended family. The bonding process for the birth mother, who
carried the baby inside her during pregnancy and experienced the
miracle of birth with this baby, had not been previously
acknowledged in society at large or by the professionals working
in adoption and mental health.
Adoption relinquishment involves a grief process not unlike
other types of grief such as death or separation. There are,
however, some significant differences for birth parents, due to
the nature of the loss, which will be noted during the
description of the grief process.
Grief Process:
Numbness and Denial: During the initial phase of grief,
the birth mother is trying to cope with the realization that the
birth has become a reality. In the midst of the physical and
emotional strain of having given birth, she faces the decision
of relinquishment and the loss this decision involves, all in a
very short space of time. Trying to make such a painful decision
in the middle of all this change and intense emotional upheaval
can lead to a period of shock, numbness, confusion and at times
denial. Denial is a very primitive defense mechanism that can be
effective in protecting a person from emotional collapse. Denial
may have been a mechanism the birth mother utilized to cope
during the pregnancy. Defenses such as denial need to be
respected.
Numbness, confusion, shock or denial can result in birth mothers
having little recall of events such as the baby's birth, or they
may forget significant details such as the day or time of the
baby's birth. These episodes can result in terrible guilt and
can, as well, diminish her already-limited store of memories of
the baby and events to validate the birth and the ensuing loss.
Eruption of Feelings: As the shock and confusion
lessen and the denial or numbness recedes, floods of intense
feeling may erupt without specific triggering events; this
eruption can be an overwhelming experience involving a range of
feelings such as sadness, emptiness, anger, fear, panic,
anxiety, despair, guilt, shame, helplessness, hopelessness,
loneliness, irritability, fatigue, or difficulty concentrating.
Feelings might get expressed indirectly through physical
symptoms such as headaches, sleep disturbances, nightmares, back
pain, stomach pain, or bowel problems. As emotions find avenues
for direct expression, they gradually decrease in intensity and
become more connected to triggers associated with the memories
and loss.
Secrecy, shame and lack of public acknowledgment of the loss by
family, friends and society mean that the fact of the loss is
never validated. What follows, then, is a subsequent lack of
natural opportunities for expression of feelings and therefore
diminished opportunities for support.
Accepting the Adoption Decision: The fact that the
adoption process involves a birth mother's active choice in
determining the course of events sets this loss apart from other
losses such as death, aligning it instead to the loss
experienced when an individual decides to separate from a
spouse. In a marital separation, the initiating spouse is
motivated to the decision because of some type of untenable
situation and may feel anger toward the spouse, allowing
emotional distance. In contrast, the decision resulting in loss
of an innocent baby or child only brings sadness and guilt, even
when others try to reinforce that it is "in the best interests"
of the child and that the child will be "loved." The love of
others for the child does not cancel out the pain of the loss
for the birth parents.
This aspect of decision-making is complex, as birth mothers may
have experienced coercion, pressure or lack of support for
options other than adoption, reducing their effective control of
the adoption decision. This can leave birth parents with a great
deal of legitimate pain, anger and regret. Ensuring that birth
parents are in charge of their decisions and that they retain
control of their choices is vital to the process. However, it is
this very act of making a conscious and informed decision that
then provokes the birth parents' feelings of responsibility for
their own and their baby's loss. It is painful to feel
responsible for such a difficult choice. However, birthmothers
and birthfathers who have retained control of their
own
decisions, rather than surrendering to the influence of others,
find it easier to accept responsibility for these choices and
are less likely to hang onto anger. This sense of responsibility
does not necessarily lessen the grief process, but birth parents
who have retained control may be less likely to find themselves
stuck in anger and blame in years to come.
Accommodation to and Living with Uncertainty: If feelings
are granted expression, then the feelings gradually become more
manageable, and emotional reactions are in manageable response
to natural reminders of the loss. Birth parents can find ways to
live with the repeatedly sensitive areas: the child's birthdays,
others' pregnancies, their own future pregnancies, baby showers,
meeting children with the same name, and other losses. Birth
parents have to find ways to answer such questions as, "Don't
you want to have any children?" or "You'll know what being
separated from a child is like when you have children of your
own." Birth mothers listen in silent pain to other women's
stories of labour and delivery, often unable to join in this
connecting female discussion.
Birth parents with closed adoptions live in a state of limbo,
forced to create fantasies as they envision their child growing
up with the adoptive parents. False hope can also be created if
it is suggested to the birthmother that an open adoption will
result in only a temporary and transient sense of loss;
expectations born of such misinformed counseling can lead to
disappointments later in life. Open-adoption contracts or
potential reunions do not come with guarantees.
When loss comes from death, the survivor may still feel an
impulse to search for something. However, this sort search is
eventually recognized as irrational, as the individual comes to
appreciate the permanence of the loss and move past the
behavior. But in loss through adoption, the search behavior
is not irrational. The form of search that birth parents may
undertake may include checking birth dates of children the same
age as the child who was relinquished; looking for children who
look similar to birth parents, scanning faces in a crowd;
seeking more information about the child or adoptive family; or
seeking out the relinquished child. In part, searching allows
birth parents to form a mental image of the child, validating
that the loss indeed occurred; it also provides reassurance that
the child is doing well in the adoptive home.
Re-evaluating and Rebuilding: The secrecy, shame, guilt,
self-blame, feelings of selfishness and loss leave scars on
birth mothers' self-esteem. Birth parents may struggle as they
re-evaluate their decisions later in life. Birth parents might
feel incapable of making decisions, feel unlovable, or feel
unable to handle having another child. At such moments, they
need to realize that they made the decision at a particular time
and place, perhaps as a vulnerable teenager without adult skills
or resources. Restoring self-esteem is an ongoing process, and
rebuilding self-esteem also depends on the degree of self-esteem
possessed prior to the pregnancy crisis and relinquishment.
Conclusion:
Resolving birth parent loss and subsequent grief is an
individual process. The issues highlighted here are only a guide
illuminating the complexity of loss through adoption, a
loss that interweaves with other elements in a context of
diverse societal, cultural, religious, and family values. It is,
however, important to encourage birth parents to focus on this
issue. By attending openly to the grief of this loss, those
working in the adoption field and those personally affected by
adoption can acknowledge, validate and value this experience and
its losses. This process, though painful, is hopeful as well,
helping to break down the barriers of judgment, secrecy, and
consequent shame for birth parents. It can enable private grief
to be publicly acknowledged, providing the context for grief's
expression, highlighting the need for increased support, and
ultimately increasing respect for the voice of birth parents in
the adoption process.
© Patricia Roles, Virtual E-counseling Room,
e-mailtherapy.com, Burnaby, BC, Canada
Go To Patricia Roles'
Virtual Counseling Room
About the author:
Patricia Roles, MSW, RSW, BCATR, is a registered social worker
and registered art therapist with over 20 years counseling
experience specializing in family therapy, eating disorders,
adoption, divorce, bereavement, family communication, and
chronic illness. She has published in the field of birthparent
loss, teen pregnancy and eating disorders.She provides online
counseling via e-mail through her site at:
http://www.e-mailtherapy.com
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