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An *Ntertaining Evening
This year, on my daughter's 5th birthday, we gave her something different. She couldn't open it, it wasn't wrapped, there was no box... but she can hold it (in her heart) and keep it forever (in her memories). I had the privilege of treating her to...
Follow Your Teen's Dreams!
As parents, we often complain of troublesome three year olds. Three year olds are troublesome because they are developing from babyhood to childhood.
Teenagers get the same reaction - developing from childhood to adulthood is not an easy...
How to Find, Select, and Afford a Wedding Photographer
You are engaged and one of the most important days in your life is fast approaching. Your wedding day will be filled with happiness and emotion. Family and friends will be there; some you have not seen in many years. It will be a wonderful day for...
Mommy & Baby: Styles Of Parenting
As a parent, you have the opportunity to set the tone in your home based on the style of parenting you choose. You can choose child-centered parenting or family-centered parenting--the differences will be discussed here.
Child-centered...
Wise Women Money Quiz: How Money-Wise Are You?
Awareness is the first step in gaining financial freedom.
Test Your Knowledge
Do you know where you stand in terms of Money Smarts?
The following questions are based on Oppenheimer Funds research. It only takes a minute to see how much...
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A Time of Grief and Healing After Separation and Divorce
I thought I would never feel the light of life again when I realized that my marriage was going to end. In fact I went through a painful year of not knowing if it would end. I had several months of suspecting that she was having an affair. There was weeks that I didn’t see her because she was staying out all night. I tried to do everything that I thought would help to mend the situation. I tried to get her to go to counseling, talk to the pastor at church, but the more I tried the worse my situation became. She resented me for every thing I tried to do.
I was a total wreck. I had waited until I was 31 before marrying. Six years into the relationship we now had two children who were facing with us a life-changing crisis – possible divorce. As it turns out my wife had already made up her mind. At the time I felt like it would have been better to lose her to death, but I didn’t. I just lost her and she was still there. There was nothing I could do to make her change her mind.
I prayed day and night, every moment I could find. I fasted mostly because I had no appetite. It was all I could do to force myself to drink water. She’d felt like I neglected her. Maybe I did. She said she felt like all I needed her for was babysitter. The kids suffered because they would only see her in the morning before she went to work. I would pick them up after I got off from work and they wouldn’t see her until the next morning. After a few weeks of this she began staying home more for the sake of the children, but it seemed she and I were pretty much finished.
Finally she had opportunity to make her escape. I changed jobs and needed to relocate (military transfer). Somehow I managed to be able to take the kids with me and she stayed behind to work a few months longer. She was supposed to meet us in the new location. She ended up somewhere else. Her intentions were clear - she wasn’t coming home. We agreed to let the kids live with me, visiting mom on weekends and holidays.
As anyone could imagine this was one of the most painful things anyone could go through, especially our kids. In the beginning it was really hard for them to go back and forth. We some how came to the conclusion that they should live with me and then with their Mom after a time. We didn’t want the usual absentee dad scene.
Anyway, the pain was almost more than I could bear. When I was outside on a sunny day it felt dark and cold to me. There were times I though of suicide. It only took the thought of leaving my kids without a father to get past these thoughts. There were days when the only way I could ease the pain in my mind was to
read scripture for long periods of time. I tried not to sit still or become idle because if I did the pain would come in like a flood. I could get over the fact that I was headed for divorce. I was not in control of anything. I prayed that God would change her mind. When He didn’t I had to accept it. She had a free will. I prayed that he would take away my pain, and that of the kids. He said he would.
As time past it got easier to function on my own. But for the kids who were 5 and 2 when this all started it was getting harder to deal with the absence of Mom. Which made things harder for me in a different way as a parent. I am very interested in their emotional health. They didn’t seem to be prospering in any way. This wasn’t going well for any of us. My son’s schoolwork was suffering and his behavior was getting worse. We got to a point where he was seeing a child psychologist.
As I listened to him talk to the psychologist I learned things that I didn’t realize he was suffering. He really missed his mom. And I could only imagine what his younger sister was going through. I knew that it was hard for me to deal with the situation. I was wasted, but I could only imagine what it must have been like for them as children to deal with the pain that I had gone through for four years.
It was time for them to live with their mother. The divorce had only been final for a few months. We had agreed that I should keep them for a time. Then the time came for me to send them to their Mom. I was devastated. I felt like my entire life had now finally fallen down around me.
When the time came and we got them packed up and moved out a great surprise awaited me. I relaxed! I was sad the first few weeks or even a month after they left. I even cried sometimes. As time past though I started to feel better. I had more time and less stress. I started to realize that I at some point had begun to be healed of the terrible pain that had plagued me for so long.
When I talk to the kids I realized that they too had begun to feel much better. The rift that had begun to form between my son and me was beginning slowly to mending. I can hear the happiness in their voices and that brings me joy. I am even happy for their Mom. They are all doing well and I am the beneficiary. God is good. I now have a saying. Things always work out. Maybe not the way you want, but if God is involve, they work out for the best. All you need is God and time.
About the Author
Tony Tate is a regular contributer to On line dating web site. If you would like to view more article by Tony Tate visit: http://www.1-on-line-dating.com
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| Happiness (1998) |
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