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Help Your Marriage Survive The Rough Spots
Every marriage has its ups and downs, its rough periods. Even in the best of circumstances, there are going to be difficult times. People change. Circumstances change. Emotions change. Over time, the natural ebb and flow of everyday...
Looking for Happiness in the New Year?
If happiness seems to elude you, try this new formula!
If you’re into personal and professional development, you’ve probably come across the name of Martin Seligman, Ph.D. He’s the Optimism guru, the man who came up with the theory of Learned...
Sucessful Aging
I started thinking about this subject just in December. Oh I had thought of it before but no really at the intensity I have been thinking about it lately. I got hurt on the job in December, 04 and it brought to the forfront "What if I could no...
Surprising New Info about Children, Allergies and Pets
Have you wondered whether to get your child a pet or not? Does your family have a history of allergies and have you been told by your pediatrician it’s not a good idea? There’s interesting news from the Medical College of George (MCG), evidence...
Youe Can Find More Happiness Through Your Work
Our mantra is “if you keep doing what you’ve been doing, you’ll keep getting what you’ve been getting.” With that in mind, let’s talk about “happiness.”
If you're into professional development, you've heard of Martin Seligman, Ph.D., who...
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How to Get Back the Man You Married
Rekindle the romance that brought you together
When my parents were growing up, during the depression and the
war years that followed, married couples were not accustomed to
worrying about romantic and emotional needs. Later, my mother
was too busy bringing up seven children to consider revealing
her inner feelings to my father. He would have been confused and
defensive if someone had suggested that being a good provider
wasn't enough of a contribution to his marriage.
Today, however, we don't marry just for security and protection,
but for love, romance and emotional fulfillment. To keep our
marriages alive, we need to master a set of skills that our
parents never even considered.
Over the years, I've heard numerous clients complain that their
husbands are no longer as attentive or interested in them as
they were early in the relationship. They wonder, "What happened
to the man that I fell in love with?" Our answer is that he's
still there and, with a little effort and understanding,
everyone has the power to bring back romance to a marriage.
I've watched many couples on the verge of divorce fall in love
again. You, too, can achieve lasting passion, intimacy and
happiness in your marriage. Here's how: 1. Get back in touch
"Bill is rarely affectionate with me any more," says Jane. "The
only time he touches me is when he wants sex. I feel used."
In the beginning, Bill held Jane's hand in public, stroked her
hair, hugged her, and wrapped his arm around her when they
walked. But once they started having sex, he only touched Jane
when he was "in the mood."
What Jane didn't understand was that, when Bill caressed her
during their courtship, it was because he was not allowed to
touch her intimately. While a man is dating a woman, he has to
practice physical restraint. But once he is given the green
light to touch her in a sexual way, his impulse for affectionate
touching may wane. After the intense pleasures of sexual touch,
a simple caress can pale by comparison.
Bill didn't instinctively understand Jane's need for non sexual
touch. As children, both boys and girls want to be cuddled. When
boys hit puberty, the desire for sexual contact becomes stronger
than for non sexual contact. Women, on the other hand, may never
lose that strong need to be held. As Bill began to understand
why non sexual touching was important to Jane, he started
touching her as affectionately as during their courtship. Jane
encouraged him by letting him know how much she liked it. Over
time, touching became an enjoyable and sensual experience for
Bill too. 2. Compliments are free
Tom always commented on Mary's appearance when they were
courting. "You took great," he'd say, or "I love how you look
tonight." After years of marriage, though, he gradually stopped
noticing and complimenting her. Mary felt hurt and rejected and
stopped trying to be attractive. When she did dress up and asked
how she looked, he'd respond, "Fine. Let's go, we're late." Soon
she stopped asking.
As a woman's body alters with the years and her relationship
with her husband goes through changes, she can need lots of
reassurance that he still finds her appealing. Like many men,
Tom assumed that Mary knew he was attracted to her -- after all,
he'd wanted her for his bride.
I told them about Bob and Susan, who had been married for nine
years. When Bob stopped complimenting her, Susan requested a
favor. "If I ask you how I look," she said, "would you say that
I look beautiful and wonderful?" Bob asked if she wanted him to
say that even if he really didn't feel like it. She replied,
"Yes, I would love it." Bob jokingly said, "OK, you look
beautiful and wonderful." Susan continued to question him about
her appearance almost every day and Bob responded dutifully.
But one time, after about three months, his answer was
different. "You look beautiful," he said. "You look wonderful --
and this time, I mean it. I'm glad you asked me to do this. I
never realized how beautiful you really are." After hearing this
story, Mary understood that asking Tom for compliments wasn't
begging for love. Within a few months, she was beaming. By
encouraging him to be more consciously attentive, she got the
response that she needed.
3. Can we talk?
"When we first met we used to have long conversations," Colleen
said. "Now, we don't talk at all. I feel as if I'm dying of
thirst in a desert. It's not just Steve. I don't have anything
to say either. I feel as if our love has gone." In fact, Steve's
feelings for his wife hadn't changed. He just showed them
differently. "Why do we always have to talk?" he asked. "Why
can't we just be with each other and do things together?" In the
beginning, Steve talked to let Colleen know who he was.
He
listened to learn about her.
Once they knew each other, from his perspective, there wasn't
much more to say. What Steve didn't understand is that women
experience greater intimacy by sharing thoughts and feelings.
Even if Colleen had nothing important to discuss, sometimes she
wanted to talk just to feel close. A woman wants to share her
victories and losses. For a man, though, talk about losses
usually means that she wants his help in resolving problems. I
suggested that, instead of trying to get Steve to talk, Colleen
should ask him to listen.
To set this up, she said to her husband, "When you get home,
give me five minutes of your undivided attention. That's all I
need. I just want to tell you all about my day -- you don't have
to say anything. It would make me feet good." Within a few
weeks, Steve realized that he could listen to Colleen without
feeling pressured to solve her problems. He even began to share
news about his own day. Colleen, in turn, appreciated his
attention.
4. Little things
"Before we got married, Roger would do all sorts of things for
me," Georgia claimed. "He put out the rubbish, carried boxes,
washed my car. Suddenly he stopped. It makes me feel like I'm
not important to him anymore." Like many men, Roger had been
motivated to do little things during courtship. But, after
marrying, he felt that sharing his income and the rest of his
life were much bigger gifts. He was surprised and deflated when
it didn't win him more appreciation.
Georgia turned the situation around. "I know how hard you work,"
she said, "and that you want to rest when you get home. I would
really appreciate it, though, if you would just put out the
rubbish for me." Being goal orientated, men find it hard to
shift directions. So, in the beginning, Roger grumbled. But the
fact that he emptied the bins made Georgia feel more special
than the work that captured most of his attention.
As Roger saw how strongly she valued what he did for her, he put
out the rubbish because it made his wife so happy. The secret to
getting more from a man is to appreciate what he is already
giving and then ask for more in small increments. Having solved
the rubbish problem, Georgia knew that, over time, she could
restore to the relationship many elements that she had loved
when they were dating.
5. Golden 20 minutes
In early courtship, a man is on the hunt. He is completely
focused on winning over the woman he cares for and will do
whatever it takes to be successful. His ability to focus so
intently makes a big impact on the woman who is the center of
his desire. Problems begin only after he succeeds. Having won
her, he relaxes and redirects his energy towards a new goal.
I remember my first year married to Bonnie. Like most marriages,
it started out very loving and we were both happy. Then, as
months passed, Bonnie became disenchanted. We talked less and
less. The change was so gradual that I didn't even notice it.
Eventually, it became clear that Bonnie was genuinely unhappy.
With tears in her eyes, she told me that I loved my work more
than her. She said that I gave all of my energy to my clients
and had nothing left for her.
I decided to come home earlier every day and devote 20 minutes
entirely to Bonnie. I told myself that she was my most important
client. I'd hug her. Whatever she was doing, I would join in. I
cut carrots, cleaned work tops and emptied waste paper baskets.
Or I would simply sit with her, talk a little about my day and
ask her questions about hers.
Eventually, Bonnie started to open up and glow after our 20
shared minutes. Now, when I get busy at work and forget to give
her the golden 20 minutes, I notice our relationship falling
back into a predictable routine. So I begin again.
As we go through married life, it's easy to misinterpret the
motives of our partners and begin to feel that they don't love
us as much. But once a woman learns to interpret a man's
behavior correctly, she becomes empowered to bring about the
changes that she wants. With a little work, romantic feelings
can be rekindled, and you can see once more in your spouse the
man with whom you fell in love.
To learn more about John Gray and the Mars Venus Coaching
Program, visit us on the web at http://www.askmarsvenus.com
About the author:
John Gray is the author of 15 best-selling books, including Men
Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus, the number one best-selling
relationship book of the last decade. In the past ten years,
over 30 million Mars and Venus books have been sold in over 40
languages throughout the world.
An expert in the field of communication, John Gray's focus is to
help men and women understand, respect and appreciate their
differences in both personal and profes
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