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Saying "Yes" (so they won't know it's no) ~ guiding behavior for peaceful parenting ~
After this afternoon's fiasco, I've developed a new parenting philosophy: never deny your child anything. "Yes, darling, of course you can take drugs (after you kill me and do away with my body)." "Sure, dear - do start smoking! As soon as you've...
"Single Parenting: How The Challenge Of Single Parenting Affects Your Decision To Divorce."
Single parenting has seemingly become an acceptable norm which is unfortunate. According to the US Census Bureau, there were over 20 million single parents in the United States in the year 2000. That's a staggering statistic, certainly the worldwide...
Watch your child progress
As a parent, you can learn a lot about your child's learning and watch for signs of possible problems. Here are some things to look for and to discuss with his teacher: Starting at age 3 or 4: Does your child remember nursery rhymes, and can he...
What the Matter Is
When my oldest boy was really young, he tickled my mother with that phrase. I would ask him, "What's the matter?" and he would answer me, "Well, what the matter is..." followed by whatever it was that he needed to discuss with me. He would say...
Your Kid's Career - Whose Choice?
A strange thing happened to me today. Or more precisely, a
strange thought occurred. You see, my eldest son
helped me install a new kitchen. He was the expert handyman.
Me? Well, I was the 'gofor':
"Dad, could you go for this ?"
...
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The Parent Teen Relationship
It was the homework that did it. Each night became a challenge in how I was going to get my son, a non-academic, to do his homework. I tried patience, encouragement, and teaching, all to no avail. I moved on to bribery, threats and punishment, still no success. Finally I tried anger, frustration and tears, but still no joy. At the end of my tether I knew it was time for a change.
Looking back on my behaviour I could see how I had changed from a calm, encouraging parent into a demanding, controlling tyrant. This was a true wake up call; I could not believe I had turned into the very thing I hated to see in others. I asked myself, "what is more important, homework or the relationship with my son?"
The parenting relationship is a tricky one; one that needs to continue to evolve over time. It is made doubly tricky by the fact that the child uses this relationship as a role model for future relationships. As a child they see that adults have the control and power in a relationship; as they grow into adolescents they want this control and power for themselves. No wonder there are so many battles between parents and teens.
However, the desire for control and power is also reflected between the teenagers themselves. Mixed with the self-centeredness left over from childhood and the need to belong, a potent mix is created; otherwise known as peer pressure. This pressure can take many forms, from daring someone to do something that you haven't got the courage to do, to manipulating someone to give you what you want. Standing up to this pressure, particularly from their close friends can be difficult,
Teenagers need to learn how to get their needs met but without resorting to using control, power or manipulation. Just as importantly they need to learn how to resist pressure from others. If parents can change the relationship they have with
their teen so that each other's needs are dealt with using respect, understanding and appreciation, then teens can experiment and realise the benefits of such a relationship.
Fortunately, the tools required for such a relationship can be easily taught, although putting them into practice will take a little more effort. Just telling teens what to do rarely works so parents will need to initiate the change and use the tools with their teen.
Once your relationship has changed with your teen, you will both be in a better position to tackle the other relationships in your teen’s life.
How to Improve Your Relationship With Your Teen
- Listen to their point of view. Put yourself in their shoes and see the world through their eyes. Ask them how it makes them feel.
- Understand what makes them tick. Look for the differences between you and them and then learn more about them.
- Accept them for who they are. Differentiate between them as a person and their behaviour. Ask for behaviour to change but accept them as they are.
- Acknowledge their presence. Look for what they do that’s positive and verbalise your appreciation. Appreciate what they don’t do as well as what they do.
- Give them space. Teens need privacy, not just in their bedrooms but also in their thoughts. Avoid interrogation techniques and opt for genuine interest.
About the Author
Carol Shepley has been involved with teenagers for over 10 years and, as the parent of a teen herself, fully understands the pressures placed on parents and teens today. She now shares this knowledge and experience through her website http://www.growingupmatters.com so that parents can help their teens become resilient, resourceful and responsible adults.
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