|
|
|
Baby Safety Checklist - Protecting Your Baby
When bringing home your new baby, there are so many things to do in order to get ready. Making your home a safe haven for your new little one is one of the most important things you will do to get ready. Each room contains its own set of dangers....
Interview with A Coach Who Helps Men Become Better Fathers
“He’s disobeyed me again,” Bill fumed as he walked in the door at night. The kitchen was a mess and his teenage son was playing “Grand Theft Auto: Vice City” on the computer with rap music blaring at 106 dB, known to cause permanent damage in less...
Parents, Teach Thought-Stopping! Fix Crooked Thinking Caps
Does your child pout, blame and brood? Does he gripe, groan, and grumble? Do you worry about your child’s attitude? If so, maybe your child’s thinking cap is crooked. If it is, you can help. First, understand what’s going haywire under that cap....
Secrets to Working and Pumping
When I had my first son I hadn't planned to go back to work. I suddenly had to return to the workforce when he was three months old. I was completely unprepared and my son went from an exclusively breastfeeding baby to a mostly formula baby...
Why Kids Toys Are For Kids
I have made a discovery in my adult life, kids toys were made for kids. Now I know you may be puzzled about this because we all have sat down and played with our children, but if you peer deeper into this issue you will see as I do.
Lego...
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
Validating vs. Indulging Children’s Feelings
The following article is offered for free use in your ezine,
print publication or on your web site, so long as the author resource box at the end is included, with hyperlinks. Notification of publication would be appreciated.
Title: Validating vs. Indulging Children’s Feelings
Author: Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
E-mail: mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com
Copyright: © 2004 by Margaret Paul
Web Address: http://www.innerbonding.com
Word Count: 851
Category: Parenting
VALIDATING VS. INDULGING CHILDREN’S FEELINGS
Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
I grew up at a time when children’s feelings were not important. I was supposed to go along with the program without complaint, regardless of how I felt. If I was upset about something, my mother generally responded with, “Don’t be ridiculous,” while my father just ignored me. Many of my counseling clients had similar experiences in their growing-up years.
Those of us on a personal growth path don’t want to do the same thing to our children. We want our children to feel safe in expressing their feelings. We want them to know that what they feel matters to us, that their feelings are important to us. The problem is that sometimes children use their feelings to manipulate their parents, and parents sometimes get confused between validating their children’s authentic feelings and indulging the feelings intended to manipulate.
All feelings are not created equal. As parents, we need to learn to discern the difference in intent regarding our children’s expression of feelings. Authentic feelings are generated by life experiences, such as the loss of a pet, difficulties with friends, problems with learning, and so on. These feelings need to be attended to with caring and compassion. Manipulative feelings are generated by thoughts such as, “I want attention,” “I want new clothes,” or “I have a right to have whatever I want.” The expression of these feelings need to be ignored, or the child needs to be told that we don’t like the complaining, so that we are not indulging our children in using their feelings to manipulate.
Joanne is struggling with her 6 year old daughter, Rachael, regarding this issue of feelings. “I don’t want to squash her feelings the way mine were squashed.” However, Rachael has learned to use her feelings to control Joanne. For example, Rachael often cries bitterly in the mornings while getting dressed for school because she can’t seem to find the right combination of clothes. Joanne then spends lots of time trying to help Rachael and mornings have become a nightmare. The same thing happens regarding food. If Joanne doesn’t have the food Rachael wants, or doesn’t like the meal Joanne has prepared, Rachael often complains and carries on. If Joanne and her husband Dan want to go out alone for dinner or with friends, Rachael is outraged at being left out. Joanne consistently validates Rachael’s feelings by saying things like, “I really understand how you feel,” or “I really
understand that this is important to you.”
However, in continuing to attend to Rachael’s feelings and giving them a lot of her time, Joanne is indulging Rachael and teaching her to use her feelings as a form of control. In addition, Joanne is not helping Rachael learn to manage her feelings rather than dump them on others. Just because we feel something doesn’t mean we need to act on the feelings. As adults, just because we may feel like having a ice cream for breakfast, doesn’t mean we indulge ourselves in having it. Just because we feel like sleeping in when we need to go to work doesn’t mean we allow our feelings to determine our behavior. Just because we feel like punching someone in the nose doesn’t mean we do it. Hopefully, we’ve learned to acknowledge and release our feelings without letting them control us.
The same needs to be true with our children. We need to learn to comfort our children’s authentic feelings, such as the pain over the loss of a friendship, while not giving much attention to feelings expressed to control. When Joanne tales responsibility for fixing Rachael’s feelings, Rachael does not have to learn to take care of her own feelings. Joanne needs to walk away from or ignore Rachael’s tantrums and complaints when they are about things like her clothes or food. She needs to let Rachael know that, while she understands her feelings, Rachael also needs to learn to accept things as they are. Accepting how things are is part of learning to manage feelings.
If Joanne wants Rachael to grow up with good values, she needs to not give energy to issues such as the clothes. Indulging Rachael in thinking the right clothes are so important is not good for Rachael. Indulging Rachael in controlling whether or not she is included in adult activities is also not good for Rachael. Rachael needs to learn to accept things even if she doesn’t like them – we all need to learn this. By indulging Rachael’s manipulative behavior through giving all her feeling so much importance, Joanne is creating a child with entitlement issues.
Before we can help our children manage their feelings in healthy ways, we need to learn to manage our feelings in healthy ways. If you are indulgent with your feelings, your children will learn to do the same. If you are using your feelings to manipulate others, or allowing other to manipulate you with their feelings, your children will learn this from you. One of the best things you can do for your children is to become a role model regarding taking personal responsibility for your feelings.
About the Author
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?", "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By My Kids?", "Healing Your Aloneness","Inner Bonding", and "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By God?" Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com
|
|
|
|
|
| Pregnancy | Baby | Child | Mom | Advice Tips & Resources for ... |
| Parenting magazine has everything you need to raise a happy, healthy family. Get expert advice on child development, the best in baby names, our pregnancy ... |
| www.parenting.com |
|
| Pregnancy & Parenting: For Today's Mom - iVillage |
| From trying to conceive through your child's teen years, iVillage Pregnancy & Parenting offers up-to-date and informative articles, features, expert advice ... |
| parenting.ivillage.com |
|
| Parenting.org – Help and guidance for parents! |
| Answers questions about parenting and has resources for better parenting. |
| www.parenting.org |
|
| Parents |
| Expert advice about pregnancy, your kids, your life, and family time from the editors of Parents magazine. |
| www.parents.com |
|
| BBC - Parenting |
| Practical solutions to help with the challenges of everyday parenting - including expert advice as well as tips from other mums and dads. |
| www.bbc.co.uk |
|
| Parenting, Pregnancy,Conception, Babynames - Parenthood.com |
| Information regarding parenthood and parenting. Find the meanings of Baby names and useful articles on parenting. |
| www.parenthood.com |
|
| Parenting advice, child development and family reference at ... |
| FamilyEducation.com provides parents with educational printables, games, activities, parenting ideas, tips, family advice, and information on learning ... |
| www.familyeducation.com |
|
| MedlinePlus: Parenting |
| From the National Institutes of Health; Adventures in Parenting (National Institute of Child Health and Human Development) ... |
| www.nlm.nih.gov |
|
| The National Parenting Center |
| Support site for parenting. Dedicated to providing parents with comprehensive and responsible guidance from the world's most renowned child-rearing ... |
| www.tnpc.com |
|
| About - Parenting & Family |
| Parenting advice from moms and dads who know what's up. Whether your babies are still actual infants, or about to enter college, our Guides will give you ... |
| about.com |
|
| Positive Parenting - Main Menu |
| Debbie Critzer Positive Parenting is dedicated to providing resources and info rmation ... Welcome to Positive Parenting online! For our long-time readers, ... |
| www.positiveparenting.com |
|
| Parenting Tips and Information on Baby Care and Pregnancy. |
| This parenting and baby care resource center offers essential pregnancy, baby care and development information, tips, and articles. |
| www.parenttime.com |
|
| Parenting, Children's Health and Education, Family Crafts and ... |
| Parenting, Children, and Families - ParentCenter is the most trusted online resource for parents of young kids. ParentCenter offers free weekly newsletters, ... |
| parentcenter.babycenter.com |
|
| Parenting - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia |
| The term "child training" implies a specific type of parenting that focuses on ... Parenting measures can also be observational, such as the Parent-Child ... |
| en.wikipedia.org |
|
| Today's Parent |
| At Todaysparent.com you'll find a parenting community to call your own, with a library of information on all the ages and stages of your growing family, ... |
| www.todaysparent.com |
|
| Indian Parenting - The Definitive Guide |
| Comprehensive website for Indian parents with topics ranging from pregnancy to raising children, including articles on infertility, health and medicine, ... |
| www.indiaparenting.com |
|
| Exceptional Parent Magazine - Eparent.com - parenting those with ... |
| Magazine for parents of children or young adults with disabilities. Includes reports, forum, products links, books. |
| www.eparent.com |
|
| Parenting: information, advice and support from toddler to teenage |
| Parenting advice, information and support to help you with your family, from toddler to teens. |
| www.ivillage.co.uk |
|
| Parenting-QA.com - Parenting Questions and Answers For Parents in ... |
| All parents have questions about their children’s behavior, growth, and development. The challenges of parenting seem never-ending and constantly evolving. |
| www.parenting-qa.com |
|
| Parenting Teens - Troubled Teen Help Information. |
| Information for parents of teens, including troubled teens, parenting tips, teen education, and more. |
| www.parentingteens.com |
|
|