My brother dies at 20 something. Why him? He was a committed Christian doing all the right things. Can we trust a God that would allow that?
Brothers; It seems that they often grow up fighting, but somehow, as the years pass, they realize, that while everyone else in their lives may come and go, family will always be family and a brother will always be a brother. For Mike and I this was especially true. Growing up we fought constantly but just about the time boarding school and leaving home were becoming realities for us, Mike got leukemia. He needed my bone marrow to help him live. I needed him as well. I had lost a girl I was in love with and was going through a deep depression. We shared a lot during his treatments and recovery. He complained of being weak and feeling very sick, I talked about my ex girlfriend.

When we got the news that our tissue types were compatible and that I would be able to donate my bone marrow to him, I brought pizza into his hospital room and we celebrated! During his stay in the hospital I provided us with a continuous supply of comedy movies. Inspite of the radiation sickness and constant nausea, I got a few laughs out of him! As he started to recover we played basketball together. I’d push him to try just a couple more shots when he would tire and he listened to the loneliness I felt from losing my girlfriend. In a family where the men showed few feelings other than anger, we connected. We became not just brothers but friends, blood friends.

Inspite of being basically a skeptic Mike had a certain belief in me. When I was trying to learn to sing so I could start my own band, he told me that if anyone could succeed with my abilities (meaning: clear lack of) it would be me. I never did start a band, but his faith in me has been a continuous support.

After he found the love of his life and moved, first, a little, then a long ways away, we didn’t see each other often, and seldom called, however, when we did get together nothing had changed. We could talk about almost anything without the least bit hesitation.

Mike pushed himself very hard in school and did well. However after struggling to maintain a straight A average to gain admission into a physical therapy program, he decided that it would likely be more than he could handle. However, rather than quitting school, he reset his academic sights on an electronics technician course at one of the top tech schools in the nation. There he blossomed. I was surprised and very pleased when I talking with him about his projects. His eyes would light up like a kid at Christmas and he would start using one technical term after another. While it was obvious my older brother “I’m smarter than you” notion had to be reevaluated, I was excited he had found something that he enjoyed so much and was extremely good at.

Another increasingly frequent topic of conversation was God and our relationship to Him. Mike and I, having grown up in church, knew about God all our lives but it wasn’t until we were almost past our teens that God started to become real to us. I remember discussing with him the true freedom that real trust in God brings us for over an hour and a half, long distance. God mattered deeply to Mike and he longed for more faith, however it is my trust that ended up being tried.

Mike died, unexpectedly, just weeks after that conversation. He was heading into his last semester of school at the top of his class and anticipating several lucrative job offers when he acquired a blood infection and died in less than two weeks.

After the sheer unreality of it passed I was left only with the whys. Why must I now, be the only one to make decisions about our parents as they age? Why should I have to live the rest of my life without one of only a few people I could tell almost

Now, nearly two years later, I sometimes still feel lonely, like an orphan wandering through this huge world all alone. I still don’t have the answers but now I’m at peace at peace because I trust the one who does know why. While finding peace with the God who allowed my only brother to die at the prime of his life may seem ludicrous to many, I’ve discovered a reason to trust.

I asked God for answers but He hasn’t chosen to reveal His reasons yet. There are always the standard answers about God’s will, sin and freedom of choice, etc.. but none seem good enough to truly justify his untimely and seemingly pointless death. However, looking closely at God reveals He has also suffered tragedy. Clearly gross injustices happen daily (just read a paper or watch the news) but what of a eternal God guilty only of trying to win back His rebellious and rejecting creation being murderously crucified as a common thief. As we look through the Bible, we see God experiencing rejection, false accusation, abandonment, and loss. Imagine the frustration God felt when one third of his personal assistants (the angels) decided that he didn’t really love them, and that He was actually enslaving them? Such grossly false accusations made by creatures God had personally created, loved, and wished would love Him, must have torn His heart. God’s soul must have been eternally seared by the out right rejection, defiance, and ultimate rebellion of His beloved, trusted, and most beautiful commander, Lucifer.

But as we know, God’s agony doesn’t end there. There is Adam and Eve’s distrust of their own creator and friend. Our wholesale rejection of God’s invitation to join Him resulted in Christ’s inviting arms being nailed wide open. Though the nails pounded through His hands were painful, the murderous hatred they represented must have hurt our tender hearted Savior even more. But our rejection of God hasn’t stopped at simple refusal or even murder of our would be Savior and Creator. We have gone on to “prove” He doesn’t even exist. Having decided that God is only a figment of our imagination, we now declare that we are our own creators and are wise enough to direct our future. What a hideous insult to an all-powerful Creator who willingly put aside all His deserved honor and comfort to allow Himself to be murdered just to give us the opportunity to be friends if we so choose.

What can Christ possibly feel like when we destroy the carefully planned world/home He made for us, resent Him so much that we publicly murder Him simply because He knows better than we what is good for us, and finally claim that He doesn’t have anything at all to do with our existence?

Seeing God’s pain makes me know His soul ached right along with mine. I know God felt my loneliness, sadness, and anger while holding Mike’s hand as his heart slowed to a final stop. I know, because God lost a partner, a son, because Christ lost hundreds of thousands of His family and has endured the excruciating cost of forgiveness and reconciliation to get us back, because Jesus wept; I know.

Brothers are often left alone when the malicious beast of death is allowed a bite, but our Creator died Himself so death will not be forever a part of life. While the “whys” of tragedy almost always go unsatisfied, unanswered, we can trust the answers to a God who truly knows our sorrows and has the scars to prove it! And having trusted, live on in peace.

About the Author

Steven Baerg is 34 years old. He holds a bachelor’s degree in Social Work and is currently pursuing a master’s degree in preparation for working as a counselor. He is married to a wonderful and supportive wife and has a dog named Bailey. He relies on God’s power and help for inspiration and maintaining a proper focus in life.