Restoring manners is not as simple as mandatory etiquette classes. The root causes of our loud, short fused society go much deeper -- but there is a cure!
When I was an undergraduate some classmates were having a discussion about their upcoming plans for holiday break. One woman expressed reservations over her plans to bring her boyfriend home to meet her family. The boyfriend, according to her, did not use eating utensils because he felt to do so would demonstrate his “enslavement to the middle class.” She asked for suggestions. I think the best one made on that day was not to bring him to a restaurant where there was a salad bar!

Twenty years later this appears a quaint, almost comical example of a lack of manners or a refusal to use accepted manners for common civility. Unfortunately, our daily lives are full of examples of incivility and lack of manners that are far from comical: not returning phone calls or e-mails, shouting at someone instead of engaging in conversation, using obscenities freely in public, belittling people who are different or think differently than you, habitually interrupting others, cell phones in restaurants and theatres, taking food from the work refrigerator that is not yours.

Most everyone agrees the lack of manners and rudeness is on the rise. But why? There are many explanations offered : stress from living in a fast-paced world, a greater population density in our living area, technological skills valued higher than social skills by industry, the human isolation and anonymity offered by technology, and the permissiveness of the 1960s.

I propose these are merely symptoms of more basic and root causes that speak to a perceived lack of abundance in people’s lives.

The first pillar to creating an abundant life is to acknowledge and celebrate what one has in the present. This is in direct contrast to the messages offered by advertisers and our economy that we are always lacking something and obtaining it will give us satisfaction and self-worth. When someone feels that what they have is worthless or are lacking the latest “thing” they act on filling the void. Anything or anyone standing in the way is the enemy. Anything that conquers, belittles, or humiliates the enemy is acceptable since “all is fair in love and war.”

If we are constantly dealing with an enemy, we are constantly engaged in a struggle for what we perceive is rightfully ours. This struggle leads to resentment, frustration, and ingratitude. When we experience resentment over what someone has that we don’t have it promotes competition and envy. In turn, envy provokes greed, which motivates us to go out into the rat race. This sink or swim, them vs., us attitude is encouraged and exploited by most institutions in our industrialized culture.

This mentality manifests itself at work and in our personal relationships. We become convinced there can only one winner and if you are not the winner, you are a loser. In order to some out on top, any technique that gives us an advantage or a feeling of superiority is acceptable. Our words and actions are the weapons in this warfare to reach the top of the hill.

A far better way is to stop and answer the question -- do I not already live in abundance? You have your life. And if you are reading this you have a computer and more than likely enough to eat, clothes to wear, a place to sleep, and shelter for the elements. Beyond that, you probably have a higher standard of living than most of the kings and queens of history. Did Henry VIII

You are probably getting the idea. When we shift our attitude from viewing life solely by what we lack to what we have, then we can relax. Every contact with another person does not have to be an emotional and verbal duel. We don’t have to engage in continuous jousting bouts, boasting at the end of the day a victory dependent on another’s humiliation. We can now approach others from a position of sureness and abundance.

As you begin this shift you may feel like the odd person out. While no individual can singlehandedly change the world, each of us can take responsibility for our own experience of abundance. Where once we saw lack, conflict, and competition we can begin to see gifts, opportunities, and mutual support.

Then we begin again to say “please”, “thank you,” and “I’m sorry” once again without fear of ridicule.

FIVE DAY PLAN TO BRING MANNERS BACK TO YOUR LIFE

In every facet of our lives rudeness weakens the joy of life. But there is a five-day action plan you can take to counteract this epidemic. I challenge you to try these steps for one week.

DAY ONE: KEEP TRACK OF RUDENESS YOU OBSERVE

For one day, observe the acts and words of rudeness you see. No act, large or small, should be ignored. The surly words between parents and children, spouses, the gestures and dirty looks during commuting time, the jostling in the cafeteria, how elderly and minorities are ignored or spoken to. Don’t forget the daily media bombardment -- think talk radio, shock jocks, and the “witty” humor of most sitcoms that is based on rudeness and snappy comebacks. You will be amazed at how often the message that this behavior is okay is communicated on a daily basis.

DAY TWO: OBSERVE YOUR OWN CONTRIBUTION TO RUDENESS

On the next day, observe and honestly list your actions and words that contribute to the world’s influx of rudeness. When you review the list at the end of the day, ask yourself “what benefit did you get out of these actions?” Was it the release of fear, of resentment, an opportunity to show someone up? There has to be a benefit for your behavior, otherwise you wouldn’t engage in it.

DAY THREE: KEEP TRACK OF KINDNESS/CIVILITY

Just when you thought all was hopeless, on day three observe the acts of kindness you see. Make a list of these as well. There are millions of simple acts that bring a smile to the faces of others and just make living more pleasant.

DAY FOUR: REWARD CIVILITY

On this day, when you witness an act of kindness or hear a kind word, take the time to compliment that individual. It will encourage that person to carry on and increase your sensitivity to the civility that exists in our society.

DAY FIVE: PRACTICE GOOD MANNERS YOURSELF

Now it is your turn to contribute to the positive energy so desperately needed. It can be as simple as saying “thank you” to one person each day or counting to ten before you erupting in anger then trying to find a more positive solution to a stressful situation.

About the Author

Dennis Gaudet,is a life planning coach whose specialty is helping people develop step by step acttion plans to design the type of life they want. Dennis can be reached for individual coaching sessions at dennis@livesbydesign.com