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A Crash Course in Tarot for Newbies #1
The Tarot is not just a divinatory tool, but it can also be utilized in the appropriately trained hands as a tool for providing counsel and advice with which we can navigate life. It is an antique form of divination that predates popular psychology,...
Body Hair Removal: Solutions For Today
As we as a race become increasingly conscious of the way others look at us and not just the way, we look at ourselves, personal grooming has never been more important. And top of the list for many men and women today is to gain a superior attractive...
How To Find The Perfect Formal Hairstyle
Finding the right hairstyle for that special occasion can be a big chore. No matter whether it is your wedding day or a formal work party, looking your best is always your top priority and you pay just as much attention to your hair as you do...
How to Keep Your Child Safe Using Your Emotional Intelligence
Keeping your child safe, and training them to stay safe is a full-time job and one of your most important responsibilities.
Protecting your child means using your emotional intelligence - empathy, emotions, intuition. To keep your child safe,...
Thorns, turtles and Elephants
We do not need to protect ourselves.
Thorns, turtles and Elephants
From the book "Contemporary Parables" by Robert Elias Najemy
We have all heard of Darwin's law of selective evolution and the survival of the fittest. According to...
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Tantrums - Breaking the Cycle
Tantrums don't suddenly appear. They are learned. Controlling or eliminating tantrums is not complicated, but it is hard work. It will be easier if you keep one simple premise in mind:
Tantrums aren't personal. Toddlers and pre-school children don't throw tantrums because they want to be naughty. They don't scream and yell because they want to hurt you. Children throw tantrums because they work. It is your job to make tantrums fail.
"Can I have a lollipop?"
This sentence has the power to invoke a racing heart and sweating palms in many parents.
The answer is no. The child raises her voice.
The answer is still no. The child drops to the floor.
The answer turns into a discussion and the child's voice increases in volume. The tears flow, the shrieks begin and, after a few parental self-conscious glances at near by shoppers … the answer becomes yes.
Sound familiar?
What makes the child in the next aisle accept 'no' with a shrug of the shoulders or a nod? Why is your child the one who throw tantrums?
There is no easy answer to this question, but there are some patterns of thinking and practical methods that you can use to break the cycle.
It is a simple, yet powerful fact. A child's behavior can be modified. Rewarding a behavior will increase the occurrence of that behavior. Ignoring it will decrease and often eliminate the behavior.
A child who throws tantrums gets this message: If I yell loud enough and long enough, I'll get what I want.
The message you want them to get is: It doesn't matter how long or hard I yell, I'm not going to get what I want.
The tantrums may be just developing. They may have been an unhappy part of family life for months or even years. Whatever the situation, if they're still happening, they're working.
So, how do you start?
* Commit yourself. When you decide to eliminate tantrums from your life, you are not fighting your child. You are in a battle for the good of your child. You will create a more peaceful home environment and closer relationships within your family. You will also teach your child self-discipline. This is a vital skill when dealing with society. Teachers, bosses and most friends will not crumble under the weight of your child's demands.
Tantrums won't disappear immediately. If your child is just beginning to learn the components of a truly inspired tantrum, you may not have far to go. A few unwavering sessions may be all that is needed. If, however, your child has been honing his tantrum technique for months or even years, success may take a little longer. Even so, with consistency and perseverance, it will work.
* Identify the triggers. When do most tantrums occur? Are they sparked by bedtime? Meal times? When shopping? While you are on the phone? Make a list and be aware. Figure out ways to help your child succeed. If eating dinner is a
problem, give her tiny portions. If too much TV is a problem, offer more interesting alternatives.
* Clarify the rules to yourself. Before you enter a tantrum-triggering zone, make sure that your rules are reasonable and consistent. There are no compromises at this stage. If your child refuses to eat dinner but insists on dessert, choose one phrase. "Dinner, then dessert." This way, when the begging starts or questions are fired at you, you can respond with a simple, sanity-saving comment, almost like a mantra.
* Clarify the rules to your child. Before entering a situation that is likely to provoke a tantrum, quietly, but firmly explain what is expected of your child. "You may watch this program. When it is over, the TV is turned off. Do you agree?" If a tantrum occurs when the TV is turned off after the program, your phrase can be, "We agreed, no more TV today."
* Stay Calm. Easier said than done. Try to tune out. Try to ignore the unwanted behavior by not responding or responding only with your practiced phrase. A child will realize that she's getting nowhere and be confused. She'll turn up the heat. The cries may become screeches and the dinner may be thrown across the room (although it might be a good idea to remove the dinner after a few refusals, just in case). That's OK. She's getting the message. If you do not react, she will eventually realize. The tantrum isn't working.
* Don't give up. This is imperative at this stage. If you usually give in after five minutes and this time, you held out for ten, next time you're in for a longer stint. In your child's mind, the tantrum still worked, she just had to work a little harder. So will you.
* Reward immediately. If you stick with it, eventually your child will see that the tantrums no longer have any effect. As soon as you see the tiniest improvement, offer a reward. I don't mean to change your rules. If your child screams for only two minutes instead of three and then agrees to turn off the TV, don't reward her with more TV. She will be confused. You will be sending her a mixed message. Reward her with a story or a walk or a cuddle. "You cried much less today than you did last time. Good for you."
Taming tantrums is challenging and rewarding. Be gentle with yourself. There will be setbacks and days when things seem worse. It can be difficult but it's temporary. When your child's eyes begin to shine through the haze of anger and frustration, you will agree. The long-term benefits are worth it.
About the Author
Ann Harth is a freelance ghostwriter, manuscript assessor, copyeditor, and published author. Ann writes a regular column on running a home business for the Writing4SuccessClub website. Her columns can be viewed at http://www.writing4successclub.com
Additional information on Ann Harth's published work and freelance services can be found on her website at http://www.annharth.com
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