|
|
|
A Chilly Birthday Cake for Those Hot Birthdays
It is traditional in most western countries, to celebrate a birthday with some sort of feast. The most celebrated item is of course the cake. After all if there is no cake, it’s not a birthday party! Ok, now when we think of a birthday cake we...
A little love, please?
Article based on a friend's experience I just wanted to share an experience I just had with my daughters, Yee Ting and Yee Sin. Yee Ting is three years old this month while Yee Sin is only one-month old. Yee Ting has always been a rather good...
Cat Behaviour Part-2
Cats can learn dozens of activities. It is not necessary to train a cat to use litter box because mother cats train their kittens to use litter box. Cats can also be trained for using toilet. A kitten can learn to use toilet at the age of just three...
Playground Pettiness
Recently I took my two children to a popular new park in the area. It's a beautiful new playground, all wood, divided into different areas of play for different age groups. It's wonderful for me as well, as my children can play at age appropriate...
You Don't Have To Be A Rocket Scientist To Pass An IQ Quiz
Q. Can you really tell anything about someone's intelligence by having them take an IQ quiz? A. The answer to this question requires a bit of background information, so let me put my professor hat on and tell you a story. An IQ quiz measures a...
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
Validating vs. Indulging Children’s Feelings
The following article is offered for free use in your ezine,
print publication or on your web site, so long as the author resource box at the end is included, with hyperlinks. Notification of publication would be appreciated.
Title: Validating vs. Indulging Children’s Feelings
Author: Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
E-mail: mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com
Copyright: © 2004 by Margaret Paul
Web Address: http://www.innerbonding.com
Word Count: 851
Category: Parenting
VALIDATING VS. INDULGING CHILDREN’S FEELINGS
Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
I grew up at a time when children’s feelings were not important. I was supposed to go along with the program without complaint, regardless of how I felt. If I was upset about something, my mother generally responded with, “Don’t be ridiculous,” while my father just ignored me. Many of my counseling clients had similar experiences in their growing-up years.
Those of us on a personal growth path don’t want to do the same thing to our children. We want our children to feel safe in expressing their feelings. We want them to know that what they feel matters to us, that their feelings are important to us. The problem is that sometimes children use their feelings to manipulate their parents, and parents sometimes get confused between validating their children’s authentic feelings and indulging the feelings intended to manipulate.
All feelings are not created equal. As parents, we need to learn to discern the difference in intent regarding our children’s expression of feelings. Authentic feelings are generated by life experiences, such as the loss of a pet, difficulties with friends, problems with learning, and so on. These feelings need to be attended to with caring and compassion. Manipulative feelings are generated by thoughts such as, “I want attention,” “I want new clothes,” or “I have a right to have whatever I want.” The expression of these feelings need to be ignored, or the child needs to be told that we don’t like the complaining, so that we are not indulging our children in using their feelings to manipulate.
Joanne is struggling with her 6 year old daughter, Rachael, regarding this issue of feelings. “I don’t want to squash her feelings the way mine were squashed.” However, Rachael has learned to use her feelings to control Joanne. For example, Rachael often cries bitterly in the mornings while getting dressed for school because she can’t seem to find the right combination of clothes. Joanne then spends lots of time trying to help Rachael and mornings have become a nightmare. The same thing happens regarding food. If Joanne doesn’t have the food Rachael wants, or doesn’t like the meal Joanne has prepared, Rachael often complains and carries on. If Joanne and her husband Dan want to go out alone for dinner or with friends, Rachael is outraged at being left out. Joanne consistently validates Rachael’s feelings by saying things like, “I really understand how you feel,” or “I really
understand that this is important to you.”
However, in continuing to attend to Rachael’s feelings and giving them a lot of her time, Joanne is indulging Rachael and teaching her to use her feelings as a form of control. In addition, Joanne is not helping Rachael learn to manage her feelings rather than dump them on others. Just because we feel something doesn’t mean we need to act on the feelings. As adults, just because we may feel like having a ice cream for breakfast, doesn’t mean we indulge ourselves in having it. Just because we feel like sleeping in when we need to go to work doesn’t mean we allow our feelings to determine our behavior. Just because we feel like punching someone in the nose doesn’t mean we do it. Hopefully, we’ve learned to acknowledge and release our feelings without letting them control us.
The same needs to be true with our children. We need to learn to comfort our children’s authentic feelings, such as the pain over the loss of a friendship, while not giving much attention to feelings expressed to control. When Joanne tales responsibility for fixing Rachael’s feelings, Rachael does not have to learn to take care of her own feelings. Joanne needs to walk away from or ignore Rachael’s tantrums and complaints when they are about things like her clothes or food. She needs to let Rachael know that, while she understands her feelings, Rachael also needs to learn to accept things as they are. Accepting how things are is part of learning to manage feelings.
If Joanne wants Rachael to grow up with good values, she needs to not give energy to issues such as the clothes. Indulging Rachael in thinking the right clothes are so important is not good for Rachael. Indulging Rachael in controlling whether or not she is included in adult activities is also not good for Rachael. Rachael needs to learn to accept things even if she doesn’t like them – we all need to learn this. By indulging Rachael’s manipulative behavior through giving all her feeling so much importance, Joanne is creating a child with entitlement issues.
Before we can help our children manage their feelings in healthy ways, we need to learn to manage our feelings in healthy ways. If you are indulgent with your feelings, your children will learn to do the same. If you are using your feelings to manipulate others, or allowing other to manipulate you with their feelings, your children will learn this from you. One of the best things you can do for your children is to become a role model regarding taking personal responsibility for your feelings.
About the Author
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?", "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By My Kids?", "Healing Your Aloneness","Inner Bonding", and "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By God?" Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com
|
|
|
|
|
| PetSmart - Pet supplies and pet products for healthier, happier pets |
| Offering food, treats, collars, leashes, health products, shampoos, medication, toys, carriers, housing and other supplies for all pets. |
| www.petsmart.com |
|
| Pets 4 You.com - Dogs | Cats |
| A large resource for animal enthusiasts with a directory of breeders and links to sources offering pet supplies and products, and to rescues and shelters. |
| www.pets4you.com |
|
| Yahoo! Pets |
| Learn how to care for a new pet. Find information about breeds or adopt a dog. ... What questions on pets or pet nutrition do you have today? ... |
| pets.yahoo.com |
|
| Welcome to Healthypet.com! |
| Pet care resources by the American Animal Hospital Association to find a veterinarian, veterinary clinic or animal hospital for pets and provide pet care ... |
| www.healthypet.com |
|
| Dogs & Puppies - Next Day Pets |
| Directory of breeders and shelters with dogs and puppies for sale and pets for adoption. Search dogs and puppies by breed with information on 150+ dog ... |
| www.nextdaypets.com |
|
| Petfinder.com: Adopt a pet and help an animal shelter rescue a ... |
| Adopt a pet dog or cat from animal welfare organizations across the country. |
| www.petfinder.com |
|
| Welcome to Neopets! |
| A virtual pet website where visitors may adopt and care for pets, as well as play games and participate in contests, communities, and combat simulations. |
| www.neopets.com |
|
| Chicago Tribune | Pets |
| Click one of the buttons to show pets within that category. Click here to show all pets for sale. Search Tips. (e.g., Beagle, Persian) ... |
| www.legacy.com |
|
| Pet - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia |
| A pet is an animal kept for companionship and enjoyment, as opposed to ... Some horse-like animals are suitable for human companionship as pets or as work ... |
| en.wikipedia.org |
|
| Pets - Pet Breeders Pet Information Pet Classifieds |
| Pets - Pet, Hobby and Show Animals Pets Online Has Puppies For Sale, Pet Products, Pet Shops. |
| www.mypets.net.au |
|
| Defra, UK - Animal health and welfare - Bringing pets to Britain |
| Travel guide and information on qualifications, requirements, and fees for bringing a pet into the UK. |
| www.defra.gov.uk |
|
| Defra, UK - Animal health and welfare - Pet Travel Scheme |
| The Pet Travel Scheme (PETS) is the system that allows pet dogs, ... For travel to France, the passport also replaces the PETS 5 certificate. ... |
| www.defra.gov.uk |
|
| Indiatimes - Pets |
| /photo.cms?msid=968871. You can post him queries and problems about your pets. ... Other beautiful animals: pets, wild cats & butterflies. PET ZODIACS ... |
| pets.indiatimes.com |
|
| AVMA Care for Pets Home Page |
| Articles that tell how to select a pet, how to care for various types of pets, and how to cope with the death of a pet. Includes a section just for kids. |
| www.avma.org |
|
| Dog and Pet T-Shirts and Gifts at CafePress.com : Shop Over 35 ... |
| Pet Gifts. Pet Gifts. Pet owners unite with fun t-shirts, hats and more. See all results... Categories within Pet Gifts ... |
| www.cafepress.com |
|
| Pet Lover Gifts : Find & Buy Gifts at CafePress.com |
| Shop millions of unique and custom pet designs - such as dog, cat, bunny, horse and other animals - available on t-shirts, mugs, mousepads, posters, ... |
| www.cafepress.com |
|
| PETS 911 pet adoptions thru local animal shelters |
| Offers hotline for lost and found pets, adoption, veterinarians, and animal shelters. |
| www.pets911.com |
|
| Pets |
| Most of us think of adopting pets for all the wrong reasons.. as a ... Pets has a way of listening without judging and loving its owner unconditionally. ... |
| www.webindia123.com |
|
| Mara Pets Games - Play Free Flash Games, Dress Up Games and ... |
| Mara Pets Games is a free virtual pet site with fun flash games and character dress up games. Three new games weekly! |
| www.marapets.com |
|
| Canada's pet information center for dogs cats and humans |
| Canadian pet information centre, featuring articles, bulletin board, dog breed profiles, cat breeds, and ask the vet sections. |
| www.pets.ca |
|
|