|
|
|
Arguments - The losing side of a relationship
In the 34 years that I have been doing psychic counseling, it is only in the past 10 years that I have been involved with couples counseling. One thing I have noticed with many couples, whether those couples are a man and a woman, two women, or...
Hidden Divorce Costs
Divorce has become part of life in the 21st century. The stigma of being divorced that once existed no loger exists. This does not mean that divorce is an easy decision to make. There are many reasons why people decide to get divorced. The...
Improving The Odds For An Online Relationship
These tips may help you improve the odds of your relationship making a successful online to real world transition.
What are the statistics on successful online matches? No one really knows since making a connection on the Web is such a private...
Managing the Pain of Abusive Relationships
How many times have you said, “I didn’t have a choice?” This is a phrase that is uttered by many to justify their behavior or complain about their life circumstances. Surely, we can continue to believe there are no choices, but it is my belief that...
"Reasons For Divorce; What Constitutes Viable Reasons For Thinking About Or Wanting A Divorce?"
According to the Center for Disease Control's National Vital Statistics Report of 2002, 50% of first marriages ended in divorce and 60% of remarriages end in divorce. But, the Center for Disease Control also found that 96% of Americans express a...
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
Relationship Deal-breakers
The following article is offered for free use in your ezine,
print publication or on your web site, so long as the author resource box at the end is included, with hyperlinks. Notification of publication would be appreciated.
Title: Relationship Deal-breakers
Author: Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
E-mail: mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com
Copyright: © 2005 by Margaret Paul
URL: http://www.innerbonding.com
Word Count: 802
Category: Relationships
Relationship Deal-breakers
By Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
In the 37 years that I have been counseling couples, I have discovered that there are only a few issues that are true relationship deal-breakers. Many of the issues that tear relationships apart are not actual deal-breakers. Rather, most divorces and breakups are the result of one or both partner’s unwillingness to learn from the conflicts that exist in all primary relationships. But some conflicts and differences are actual deal-breakers.
HAVING CHILDREN
Early in my career as a psychotherapist, I worked with Mary and Cal. Mary and Cal met when Mary was 38 and Cal was 47. Cal had been married before and had two adult children, while Mary had never been married. Cal made it very clear to Mary that he did not, under any circumstances, want more children. Mary seemed to accept this, but secretly hoped to change Cal’s mind once they were married.
A year after they were married, Mary brought up the issue of having children. Cal was appalled. He felt angry, trapped and betrayed by Mary’s secret hope, as well as by her dishonesty. Mary begged and pleaded, hoping Cal’s love for her would soften his position. But he stayed committed to his decision not to have any more children.
This situation has a very sad ending. Mary was devastated. She loved Cal, but having children was actually extremely important to her. She didn’t want to leave him and she couldn’t let go of wanting a child. The stress of the situation eventually eroded her immune system and she died of ovarian cancer of few years after bringing up the baby issue.
I learned a lot from Mary and Cal’s experience. I learned that the baby issue is a deal-breaker. It is not healthy for someone who really wants a baby to give that up, and it is not healthy for someone who does not want a baby to go along with having one. This deep and basic issue needs to be dealt with head-on, early in a relationship, before people move ahead with commitment and marriage.
WORK
Rhonda and Fred fell in love in their late 30’s. Each had jobs that they loved and that were very important to them. Fred was the vice-president of a large company, while Rhonda had a flourishing practice as a pediatrician. They both lived in Los Angeles. All seemed fine until an incredible
opportunity opened up for Fred – one that he had always dreamed of. The problem was that it meant moving to New York. Fred’s work became a deal-breaker.
Some people can commute and maintain a relationship, but this was not realistic for Rhonda and Fred, since they both wanted to have children. They realized that if either of them gave up the work they loved, they would feel very resentful. They had no choice but to end the relationship. Even though they loved each other, they recognized that their relationship would soon erode if one of them gave themselves up.
BETRAYAL
Dishonesty and infidelity can often be deal-breakers, depending upon the situation. Some people can learn from and grow through these difficult situations, while for others the wound is too deep to repair.
Mandy and Hal were in their 50’s when they met and fell in love. Both were in unhappy long-term marriages, which they decided to leave to be with each other.
However, Hal had married when he was very young. He had spent his life working hard to support his wife and children. He had never had an opportunity to do some of the things he really wanted to do – like travel on his own or explore relationships with other women. He loved Mandy but he felt trapped. He wanted his freedom.
As a result he started to pull away from Mandy, which was very painful for her. They received counseling to try to reconcile the situation. Mandy was willing for Hal to leave and travel for six months, but Hal was reluctant to leave Mandy. Mandy had not expected a man in his 50’s to need to sow wild oats.
Then Mandy found out that Hal had slept with another woman. His pulling away was bad enough, but his infidelity was a deal-breaker. Mandy ended their relationship the day she discovered the affair. She told Hal that she still loved him but could not continue this way. She left the door open by telling him that if he ever got his wanderlust out of his system, she would consider trying again.
Dishonesty about money can also be a deal-breaker, such as finding out that your mate is earning money by selling drugs or through some other illegal operation.
Most conflicts – conflicts that are really about communication and control issues – can be resolved when both people are willing to learn. But some conflicts are true deal-breakers.
About the Author
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?" She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or margaret@innerbonding.com.
|
|
|
|
|
| Relationships: Practical advice, information and friendly support ... |
| Information, answers, tips, advice and friendly support on everything to do with dating, relating, marriage, love and friendship issues. |
| www.ivillage.co.uk |
|
| Relationships Australia — Building stronger relationships which ... |
| Non-profit community based organisation providing professional services to support relationships. |
| www.relationships.com.au |
|
| BBC - Relationships |
| Getting the most out of your sexual relationships (Image: Couple kissing) ... Subscribe to our monthly BBC Health and Relationships newsletter ... |
| www.bbc.co.uk |
|
| Love & Sex: Love Advice for Singles and Couples at iVillage.com |
| Find love advice for any relationship, including dating etiquette and sex tips at ... Hot Topics & Real Advice · Experts · Singles & Dating · Relationship ... |
| love.ivillage.com |
|
| Go Ask Alice!: Relationships |
| relationship stuff. Healthy vs. unhealthy relationships · "True love"... Could it be true? ... Parents don't approve of interracial relationship ... |
| www.goaskalice.columbia.edu |
|
| Relationship - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia |
| Look up relationship in Wiktionary, the free dictionary. Relationship may refer to: ... Retrieved from "http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Relationship" ... |
| en.wikipedia.org |
|
| Interpersonal relationship - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia |
| Interpersonal relationships are social associations, connections, ... This type of interpersonal relationship also includes the comradeship of fellow ... |
| en.wikipedia.org |
|
| About - People & Relationships |
| About People & Relationships provides advice for every stage of your relationship from dating to marriage. And, when relationships hit the skids, ... |
| about.com |
|
| Relationships.com - Online Personals and Christian Dating for ... |
| Christian singles site for online Christian personals. Relationships.com is the leading site for Christian dating. Enjoy our chat, IM, photo galleries, ... |
| www.relationships.com |
|
| Teen Relationships Website! |
| Relationship chat and information for teens, by teens. |
| www.teenrelationships.org |
|
| Sex, Love and Relationships [HOME] - ChristianAnswers.Net |
| Learn how to make your love the best it can be. Christian answers to questions about sex, marriage, sexual addictions, and more. |
| www.christiananswers.net |
|
| Relationshipweb.com - First aid for relationships |
| Directory of relationship information. Contains links and forums. |
| www.relationshipweb.com |
|
| SCRS - Virtual Pamphlet Collection - Relationships |
| University of Texas at Austin; Keys to a Successful Marriage - University of Wisconsin -- Eau Claire; Making Friends - Massey University; On Relationships ... |
| counseling.uchicago.edu |
|
| Abusive Relationships |
| Abuse - physical, emotional, or sexual - has no place in love. Read this article to find out how to recognize the signs of abuse in yourself or a friend and ... |
| www.kidshealth.org |
|
| Relationship Advice Site Featuring Relationship Book Im Sorry |
| A relationship repair guide featuring forum, free ecards, postcards, and books. |
| www.relationshiprepair.net |
|
| Today: Relationships - MSNBC.com |
| Looking for love or having trouble in your relationship? "Today" contributor Dr. Gail Saltz offers help. In her weekly column she tackles some of the ... |
| www.msnbc.msn.com |
|
| Addictive Relationships--UIUC Counseling Center |
| It is often very hard to end a love relationship even when you know it is bad for you. ... It is in this sense that the relationships are "addictive." ... |
| www.couns.uiuc.edu |
|
| Relationships: See what people are saying right now on Technorati |
| See all blog posts tagged with relationships on Technorati. |
| www.technorati.com |
|
| Relationships in the Yahoo! Directory |
| Read articles on friendship, romance, dating, and marriage as well as incest, affairs, and divorce. Also take relationship quizzes and discover kissing ... |
| dir.yahoo.com |
|
| Relationships -- Beliefnet.com |
| Our relationships expert's "essential message" is that life is a journey to integrate the deep soul with the higher spirit. ... |
| www.beliefnet.com |
|
|