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Mindfulness and Neuroscience: Let's Make A Deal
It seems that everyone is talking about mindfulness lately. Have
you heard?
*The Center for Contemplative Mind in Society is working with a
number of groups--college faculty, attorneys and judges, social
justice workers, business leaders,...
Religion And Technology
For centuries, the systems of communications throughout the world have been swiftly evolving.
In the 1400s, the printing press created the ability for mass publication and circulation of literature, opening the door for the Christian gospel...
Setting Goals for Success
Copyright 2004 Word Count 926 “In any and every given moment of your life, you are either in command of yourself… or you are being commanded.” -Guy Finley, Author It pays to learn, especially from your mistakes. The successful entrepreneur learns...
The Non-Existing ‘I’
Even to advocate against the ‘concept’ of ‘I’, I have to use the very word. Such is the dilemma of our understanding, which is wholly trapped within the concept-based illusion. There is just no way out of this illusion as our entire thinking and...
The Writer As Activist
THE WRITER AS ACTIVIST: Eric Shapiro Elaborates on Alternative Mental Health.
Almost two years ago, before the release of my first book, "Short of a Picnic," I began writing nonfiction Internet essays that, like the book itself, deal with...
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The Art Of Giving Pleasure Out Of Fullness
We all want to believe that we have now experienced a sexual
revolution in our society: yes; pornographic material is
distributed more freely, yes; dildos and edible panties come in
more colors, yes; whips and cuffs come in all sizes, yes;
vibrators have gone super high-tech in terms of design, ease and
variation, yes; cyber sex is gone multicultural, but these
shifts and constant search of new forms of pleasure and
'pleasure' activities have also become substitutes for the
natural sensory pleasures of sexual intimacy - implications of a
culture that still harbours anti-affectionate hate/fear of
actual sexual intimacy itself.
In the realities of relationships, both men and women are still
fearful of real intimacy and are distrustful and suspicious of
each other. Women distrust men who they believe are "out to
take from them like thieves" and men see women as objects of
fear and curiosity and treat them as such. Human to human, skin
to skin intimacy still creates intense anxiety between two
people who are attracted to each other and seem compatible in
all areas. Even the mere touching of the arm in conversation is
suspicious as each thinks it's a come-on sexually. When it comes
to sex, women will grant or withhold it to "subdue" men to get
what they want, and men do their best to "quickly grab" it and
run away as far as they can, if not physically, emotionally.
And if a sexual relationship is not pleasurable, we conclude
that there must not be enough love or there is something
seriously wrong with the other person. Similarly, if another
person's sexual feelings or practices are substantially
different from our own, most of us think there must be something
terribly wrong with them. We typically do not question our
perceptions, expectations and motivations, instead, we just move
on to the next relationship. A continuing failure to find
sexual satisfaction leads to a continuing search for new
partners. For some, great or even mediocre sex is enough reason
to stay in a relationship that is otherwise unfulfilling in all
other aspects.
The idea that two people who are intensely attracted to each
other or deeply love each other depend on the other's ability to
be released pleasurably through orgasm is common in modern
societies, especially in our North American society. We've
become ritually addicted to this pleasure that we constantly
hope to acquire it again and again - this is even been made
easier by the use of tantric and meditative sex techniques. Our
outer lives have become very complex so that we can acquire that
pleasure, yet our inner lives are a theatre of jealousy, anger,
long-simmering resentments, emotional wounds, memories of
painful humiliations, confusions, fears of inadequacy and
rejection, distrust, control and conflict, self-doubt, confusion
and shame.
We may be able to reach or bring another to multiple orgasmic
heights by stimulating another's genitals to exact technical
specifications but withhold our Self from them at the same
moment. And while fantasy and sexual aids are an important part
of lovemaking, jump-starting the body to reach orgasm while
"bypassing" intimacy distracts us from what is really going on
from the inside. This "horniness" model of sex is more of "sex
out of emptiness" rather than "sex out of fullness". It presumes
that once we reach orgasm, we are "satisfied" and therefore can
roll over and go to sleep.
It is easy to be tempted into withholding our Self from someone
else because when we are most truly ourselves we are vulnerable.
The brain, in a desire to "protect" will come up with all kinds
of excuses, reasons and alternatives that steer us away from
surrender, abandon and turning oneself over to the power of the
unknown and unknowable. Because the brain interprets surrender
only in negative terms, we have no reference as to how to
skillfully deliberately and artfully surrender or loosen our
habitual restraints. When we do go out of control or try to
loosen up, we often do so rebelliously, blindly, recklessly and
dangerously. If we get hurt in these times, it only reinforces
the brains fear of surrender.
The irony here is that, it is only by entering this door of
helpless surrender that we are truly intimate. Intimacy in
itself is a self-reflective process rooted in the concept
of
surrender - surrender to the facets of ourselves that are more
unruly, highly energized, spontaneous, unpredictable, uncertain
and closer to the primal forces of nature. What we experience
during these new openings and expansions is almost certain to
surprise us. The intensity of our true erotic yearnings,
feelings, desires, and impulses and the level of awareness of
what we're doing during the time we're doing it become much more
crucial than all the tactile maneuvers, techniques and bedroom
tricks. In determining whether or not one is satisfied "I want
you to know who and what I am all about" surpasses shouting "Oh
my God" in mid-orgasm.
Part of the great feeling that comes with "I want you to know
who and what I am all about" is in realizing that we've reached
a level of sexual development where we feel desirous and
desirable in and of ourselves. We know that there is a good part
of us inside which we unlimitedly and unconditionally offer to
another person. Our desire to share this good part of us
actually enhances our ability to give pleasure to another
person, make love for longer periods of time, feel more
energized, stay strong and young.
Achieving sexual potential isn't about "skill", technique or
dexterity; it has more to do with what's inside of us. Sexual
potential and sexual intimacy begins with learning to be
emotionally honest and intimate with our Self - which means we
also need to develop a healthy concept of, and relationship
with, our Self. We have to stop presenting ourselves the way we
want to be seen, and disclose ourselves with no other goal than
being truly known. To get it, we've got to accept and claim who
we are; our own emotions, our own life and our own bed. We also
have to stand apart from almost everything we've ever been
taught about sex; throw away the cookbook recipes and
preconceived notions of what works (touch ear and keeping
rubbing for four minutes, kiss the neck for two minutes, next
run fingers in the small of the back for another two minutes,
move to the left and lift leg exactly 90 degrees, count up to
fourteen, he/she's ready - and all that kind of cold and
unemotional mechanical nonsense). We must strive to discover
what works for us as dynamic and versatile individuals and as a
couple with hearts, emotions and ability to experience the
unknown and unknowable. We have to be aware, open, trusting and
free to follow the intuitive and spontaneous erotic impulses of
our hearts and souls, not the garbage our brain or the so called
"experts" come up with.
Sexual intimacy out of fullness carries with it a wonderful
feeling of finally "being known". Sexual and intimate connection
with another has a very powerful effect on a person who is ready
to increase their level of Spiritual Awareness. To have an
intimate sexual connection with someone else we must be fully
aware and present in the moment. We cannot be worrying about
whether or not we will have an orgasm because we are not fully
participating in the experience; we are robbing ourselves and
our partner of the beauty of sexual intimacy. When deeply
engrossed in the sexual act we become oblivious to extraneous
noise, day-to-day reality fades, and our world ends at the edges
of our bed. We keep going until our soul, not just our body, is
done.
When we are willing to validate ourselves, we can afford to let
our partner know who we are as we are. The bedroom becomes a
place for the self to be expressed and spirituality to emerge.
We won't need sex gadgets or a new outfit because the wisdom of
the soul is of a far higher quality.
In terms of sexual intimacy at profound intensity or emotional
depth, most of us are virgins. Maybe we've "had sex" or "made
love" and have had multiple "orgasms' with one or more partners,
but many of us have yet to "do" somebody or allow ourselves to
be "done."
About the author:
Christine Akiteng is an internationally renown Dating Coach with
a unique and fresh outlook to what love is really about and what
we can expect from our sexual relations. If you enjoyed reading
this article check out Christine's Website:
www.torontosnumber1datedoctor.com for more: The Sweet Smell Of
Sexcess, Your Sexual Style Could Be Hurting Your Relationships,
The Best Sex Is Spontaneous Sex!, Sex - Is Yours Waist Up Or
Waist Down?
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