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5 Ways to Fight Pessimism
Some people are naturally pessimistic and are happy being so. They view themselves as pragmatic and as having a better sense of reality. Then there are those of us who feel weighed down by negativity and wish that we could be more optimistic. ...
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Five Tips to Reduce Environmental Stress By Ed Sykes Life is stressful enough without allowing the physical environment - air quality, lighting, noise, and other controllable factors - to intensify day-to-day stress. Especially in the Fall and...
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Pulling The Roots Of Disease
"Anybody who tells you that disease has only one cause, and that drugs and surgery are the solution, is DEAD WRONG." Dr. Ward Coleman, N.D. Unhealthy aging and diseases of the body systems (such as cancer, heart disease, diabetes, immune...
The Consequences of Stress
One of the pioneers of stress research, Dr. Hans Selye wrote that " ... stress is essentially reflected by the rate of all the wear and tear caused by life." His research convinced him that the body has only a finite reserve of adaptation...
 
4 Steps to Assertive Communication

“Dr. Fiore,” my 42 year old married patient (Mary) began, “once again my family expects me to host Christmas dinner and I am simply too exhausted; what should I do?”
“Why not tell them how you feel?” I asked.

“Because I don’t want to hurt their feelings – I always feel guilty if I don’t do what is expected of me.”

Lack of communication such as this among family members is the root of much conflict, hurt and misunderstandings any time of the year, but especially during the often stressful holiday season.

Mary’s dilemma is common: she wants to be a nice person and avoid conflict with family members. But, in doing so, she feels resentment and other negative emotions when she is overwhelmed or feels others are taking advantage of her.

Unfortunately, a failure to be direct and emotionally honest with people we love or care about can have long-reaching negative consequences. Failure to communicate often sends the wrong message about you, what you need and how others should respond to you.

The Elephant In The Room

When you have unexpressed feelings towards another, it’s like you are sitting on a couch with an elephant between you.

Neither wants to acknowledge the elephant, but its existence acts as a barrier to real communication. Ultimately, the elephant gets in the way of positive feelings between you and the other person.

Assertive Communication

Assertive communication is the art of speaking in a reasonable tone with good eye contact. It’s based on using “I” messages (as opposed to “you” or blaming messages) while clearly stating your needs, feelings and requests.

Assertive communications invite listeners to work toward mutually satisfactory resolution of problems or conflicts, without assigning blame or offense.

Assertive versus Offensive

Remember: you won’t offend people if you stick to communicating your feelings, as opposed to telling others what they should – or should not – do!

Four Steps to Success

There are four parts to effective assertive communication - Here is the formula:

I feel ___________ when __________ because ________. I need ___________.


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Step 1: “I feel” Start by expressing how you feel about the behavior. Stick to one of the five or six basic emotions: “I feel… overwhelmed, angry, hurt,” etc.

Step 2: “When” What specifically bothers you about the behavior or situation? Examples: “When the family expects me to do this every year,” “When it is assumed I will do it,” etc.

Step 3: “Because” How does the behavior affect you? Examples: “I feel pressured to do something I really can’t do this year,” and “It makes me feel taken advantage of.”

Step 4: “I need” This is the tough part for people like Mary who feel guilty simply letting others (especially family members) know what their needs are. “I need” has nothing to do with being selfish.

Instead, it means giving listeners a clear signal of what you want them to do differently, so they have an opportunity to change. Examples: “I need for the dinner to be rotated among the family.” “If everyone will bring a dish, I’ll cook the ham,” and “I need my sisters to come early and help with the setup.”

Applying the Formula

Does the formula always work? Of course not, but it works a high percentage of the time and it gives you a better tool to deal with situations than anger – which rarely achieves the desired results.

If it doesn’t work at first, try different variations using your own words. And keep at it. People often don’t immediately respond differently to your words because of previous established communication patterns.

Always make sure your tone conveys sincerity, clarity, genuineness and respect toward the other and his or her opinions.

Dr. Tony Fiore is The Anger Coach. New anger resources are now available Anger Management for the 21st Century: The 8 tools of Anger Control print and ebook,bonuses www.stopyouranger.com. Chëck our Anger in the News blog and comment at: www.angernews.com.

2005 © Dr. Tony Fiore All rights reserved. Dr. Tony Fiore is The Anger Coach. New anger resources are now available Anger Management for the 21st Century: The 8 tools of Anger Control print and ebook,bonuses www.stopyouranger.com. Chëck our Anger in the News blog and comment at: www.angernews.com. 2005 © Dr. Tony Fiore All rights reserved.

 

Stress Management Tips and Techniques from Mind Tools
More than 100 stress management tips and techniques, helping you manage the job-related stress in your life.
www.mindtools.com
 
Stress Management Techniques, Stress Relief & Stress Reduction ...
Mind Tools helps you manage the causes of stress and teaches useful stress management techniques.
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Stress Management
Stress Management. What is Stress? Stress is the "wear and tear" our bodies experience as we adjust to our continually changing environment; it has physical ...
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Stress Management: Information and Resources on Stress From About.com
Find a wide variety of stress management strategies you can use in your daily life. Learn about the causes and effects of stress, healthy and effective ...
stress.about.com
 
Stress Management
Links to stress management information on the web.
www.pp.okstate.edu
 
Links to Stress Related Resources
Return to the Stress Management and Emotional Wellness Page ... Cognitive Restructuring Approaches to Stress Management ...
www.imt.net
 
International Stress Management Association(UK)
The leading professional body for stress management. The ISMA website has articles from their journal Stress News, links and general advice on lifestyle and ...
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Stress Management for Patient and Physician
Stress management for patient and physician. Stress is the most common cause of ill health, probably underlying as many as 70% of all visits to family ...
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Stress Management: Counseling Services, University at Buffalo
The description on stress management. ... Stress Management. Introduction Stress is a part of day to day living. As college students you may experience ...
ub-counseling.buffalo.edu
 
Stress Management and Anxiety Relief
Welcome to stressmanagement.co.uk - We specialise in managing your stress.
www.stressmanagement.co.uk
 
Stress Management for effective ways to manage stress
Our stress management services allows you to find the solutions to all types of stress. We also have professional stress management counsellors available 7 ...
www.stressmanagement.com.au
 
Stress Management--UIUC Counseling Center
Self-help Brochures. What is Stress? Stress is the "wear and tear" our bodies experience as we adjust to our continually changing environment; ...
www.couns.uiuc.edu
 
The Stress Management Society
Congratulations to taking the first step to freedom from the stress trap. This is the place to learn more about stress and its management.
www.stress.org.uk
 
Stress management - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Stress management encompasses techniques intended to equip a person with effective ... Definition of stress: Stress management defines stress precisely as a ...
en.wikipedia.org
 
Stress
Stress Management. Everyone experiences stress from time to time, so it is perfectly normal ... Fortunately, stress management is largely a learnable skill. ...
www.cyberpsych.com
 
SBC Academic Resource Center | Stress Management
With stress management training, you can learn to avoid procrastination and other stress-producing situations. Stress Quiz: How Stressed Are You? ...
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Mind Tools - How to Master Stress
3. Stress Management Techniques. Raising Stress Levels - Psyching Up · Stress Reduction Techniques · Reducing Short-Term Stress - Mental Techniques ...
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Stress, stress management, occupational stress, stress prevention ...
A recent survey showed that 70-90% of us feel stressed at work and outside. Unless we learn to manage stress, we will get sick.
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HSE - Stress Management Standards Homepage
The International Stress Management Association has produced a leaflet showing how employees can work with their employers to tackle work-related stress ...
www.hse.gov.uk
 
Stress Management Tips for Stressed and Overworked People.
Free weekly stress management tips and relaxation CD plus practical resources for stressed people.
www.stresstips.com
 
 

 
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