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Out with the Old
Think back to a situation where you felt resentful. Or think back to the last time your heart was broken. The next time you encounter a similar situation, will you be free to choose how you act, or will you instead automatically attempt to protect yourself? If you are like most people, the latter is true. And why wouldn't you protect yourself if you see hurt coming, right?
Focusing your attention on self-protection prevents you from being fully present. You may miss opportunities to change the outcome of the situation, to play it differently, to see how it IS different. You may miss opportunities to truly connect with someone.
That's why letting go of your past - or "getting complete" - is vitally important. If you do not get complete, you will carry old pain into present and future relationships. If you do not get complete, you may perceive any situation, similar to the ones in which you were hurt, as more of the same. This will make most relationships difficult, and may even prevent them from forming at all.
Being complete with your past has two key benefits. First, when faced with a situation that causes you pain or resentment, you become free to choose your actions rather than reacting from fear of pain. Secondly, you no longer have an emotional reaction when looking back on the hurtful situations.
Can you see why it is vital that you become complete with your past if you are to build your ideal relationship?
Here are ten suggestions for getting complete with any past hurt or resentment. Try working on a few situations at a time until you find you are complete with them.
1. Write letters.
Write letters to the person who made you feel resentful or hurt. Freely say everything you want to say. Write as many letters as necessary to feel complete, but do not send them.
Instead, do something with them that helps you feel you are getting rid of the painful feelings. Flush the letters down the toilet, burn them, bury them, etc.
2. Tell your story.
Tell your story over and over to a trusted friend or advisor. Make sure the person listening gives no advice and makes no comments to dispute your feelings, but instead allows you to talk and listens attentively.
3. Talk to the right person.
Talk to the person with whom you feel incomplete. Do this only if you are sure this person will be able to listen to you in the same way as described in #2. Make sure not to blame or be rude, but talk about your feelings and the consequences in your life. If you have the opportunity, have as many conversations as you need to get complete.
4. Imagine.
Imagine yourself in the same room as the person with whom you have the incompletion. Imagine them attentively listening to you while you say everything you need to say. Repeat this process many times until you are done.
5. Role-Play.
Ask a trusted friend to role-play the hurtful situation with you. Have them be the other person and reenact the situation. Respond how you wish you had responded. Repeat the role-play, but this
time, have the other person act in a way that would have avoided causing you pain. Repeat the process over time until you feel complete.
6. Reexamine.
Reexamine the situation from the vantage point of the present. How did you grow as a result of the pain? Was there a hidden gift in going through the experience? What did you learn as a result of the situation? Repeat until you can feel gratitude toward the situation, the pain, the resentment, the anger and the other person.
7. Pray.
If you pray, say the following prayer for at least a month and perhaps longer until you feel complete: "Please remove the resentment/anger/pain I am feeling toward/about [name]. Please give [name] as much joy, prosperity, love, etc., as I want for myself."
8. Perform a ritual.
Do something physical to symbolize that you are now letting go of the past and are ready to move freely into the present. Repeat until you feel complete.
9. Repair the damage.
Actively repair the damage that was caused to you. If something of yours was taken, replace it with an item just as good or better. If you were emotionally hurt, give yourself the kind of support, acknowledgement, love, etc., that you wanted from the other person. Ask trusted others to provide you with the emotional support you needed and did not get. It's ok to request to be treated in exactly the way you need in order to heal.
10. Talk to the spirit of the person.
Sometimes our relationships go so wrong, so much hurt is created, that it is difficult to imagine the person giving us the understanding we need to get complete. In these cases, have conversations with the person's spirit. Although they may not be able to hear you, you know their spirit will. Recreate the suggestion in #4, but talk to the person's spirit rather than to the actual person.
When you let go of past hurts and resentments, an unimaginable field of possibilities will open up for you. You will be free from your past. You will be free to form bonds with people based on the essence and the beauty of who you are. You will be able to see the essence and beauty of others. From that freedom you will be able to create your ideal relationship.
Your Relationship Coach,
Rinatta Paries
www.WhatItTakes.com
(c) Rinatta Paries, 1998-2002. Do you know how to attract your ideal mate? Do you know how to build a fulfilling relationship, or how to reinvent yours to meet your needs? Relationship Coach Rinatta Paries can teach you the skills and techniques to attract and sustain long-term, healthy partnerships. Visit www.WhatItTakes.com where you'll find quizzes, classes, advice and a free weekly ezine. Become a "true love magnet(tm)!"
About the Author
With nearly a decade of relationship coaching experience, Master Certified Coach Rinatta Paries works with singles to help them attract their ideal relationship, and helps couples create more love and fulfillment in their existing relationships. Visit her web site at www.WhatItTakes.com or e-mail her at coach@WhatItTakes.com.
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