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Controlling Behavior, Loving Behavior
The following article is offered for free use in your ezine, print publication or on your web site, so long as the author resource box at the end is included. Notification of publication would be appreciated. Title: Controlling Behavior, Loving...

Focus On Who And What You Want
Focus on who and what you want, Instead of focusing on who and what you donīt want. "Itīs a funny thing about life: If you refuse to accept anything but the very best, you will often get it." W. Somerset Maugham. Are you focusing on who and...

How to Prevent a Custody Battle After Divorce.
I recently marked the six-year anniversary of my custody battle. I have learned vital lessons that I want to share with all parents. Divorce yourself emotionally from your former spouse. Mind your own business. Their life is no longer married to...

Surfing the Edge of the Known
* Spending a lot of energy wondering what's next for you? * Oscillating from being sure you're in transition to worrying that you're being neurotic to declaring firmly that life is fine and you better not even think of rocking the proverbial boat? ...

The Informal Normal In A Black-Tie-Affair World
Have you noticed the trend? You ever notice how on programs like "The Bachelor" most of their dating episodes are via limousine escort? They travel to lavish destinations amid scenic splendor. The sunsets are so beautiful you can almost...

 
A look at men, women and marriage; can it work ?

A look at men, woman and marriage
Can it work ??

Over the past several weeks Iíve observed a disturbing trend concerning the friends that Iíve accrued over the years as well as the acquaintances Iíve made at work. My observation is thus; none of them are happily married or happy in their current relationship. This also includes friends that have either broken up and/or divorced. Iíve listened intently during our lunchtime wrap sessions, and confess to taking my turn ranting about things Iím not too happy about in my current living situation. To the readers who are female, let me confess freely; I am far, far from perfect and donít envision myself sitting high upon the mountaintops looking down upon the unwashed. My poop stinks just like everybody elseís. Iím merely observing a trend and a pattern thatís occurred in the dataset available to me. Also, I can say with a fair sense of confidence that the other halves of these relationships are just as miserable.

I offered up a hypothesis at one male bonding session that seemed to get flamed rather quickly. Could we be part of the problem? Have we changed somehow in our behavior or our attitudes concerning our relationships, whether they be marriage or steady partner? It was a unanimous vote; we, as the male species were not at fault. We donít understand the fairer sex and we never will, and at this current point in time have no further desire to understand what makes our spouse/girlfriend tick. Well, I have some bad news for my male friends. As a data analyst Iím always curious, I wanted to know the reason behind this observed war of Xís and Yís. I needed the other side of the equation. I hit a goldmine getting my morning coffee today. A woman that I am very close with at work broke off her engagement over the weekend. She confided this to me in between tears. I took ďLisaĒ back up to my office, closed the door and told her to let it out. To my amazement she did. Damn!! I got an earful in between the sobbing and nose blowing. Now Iím not faulting Lisa for her tears, a breakup of this sort is emotional and tragic, I was just stunned that she decided to let fly like she did. And I was glad to be there with her to lend a supporting ear

Lisa and I talked for about a half an hour and I gave her the best advice that my Middle Aged wisdom could impart on someone in their early twenties. But, I heard what Lisa said and analyzed the main foci of her complaints. Here it is; HE STOPPED CARING! Okay three words, but what do they mean, really? How much detail can be ascribed to these three simple words? Plenty if you listened to Lisa.

1. He stopped telling me he loved me.
2. He stopped surprising me with flowers
3. Sex became more about him getting off than being close to me. (There was more here, but this is a PG-13 column)
4. He seemed to want to spend more times with his friends then with me.
5. We stopped talking and he seemed to lose interest in our wedding.
6. He kept looking at internet porn and then expected me to be receptive to his advances. (Yup, this one grossed me out too)

I admit to capitalizing on this unique opportunity to delve into the female psyche a bit and began asking some questions in very gory detail. To my delight, Lisa was straightforward and often direct in her responses. For every gripe and complaint we as guys had about woman, they had an equal, just as valid gripe about us!! The nerve of them!! <> we, as guys, are perfect, just ask us. : ) : ).

I wonít get into all of it here, but woman are just as unhappy with us as we are with them. How does the bloom fall off the rose? Something had to go right at one time because we hook up, marry, have kids etc. So somewhere along the line some of us are getting it right. My parents were married for over 30 years, my grandparents nearly fifty years, it can work. Why are so many finding it so difficult to keep a relationship going? Let me take the guyís responses since Iím guilty of a lot of these things and then defend myself and my gender.

1. He stopped telling me he loved me. As did she, after awhile I figured she just accepted that as fact and we both moved on.

2. He stopped surprising me with flowers. She stopped surprising me with teddies and lingerie long before the roses stopped coming. However, a few roses here and there are always a good thing and may eventually lead to a nightie or teddy surprise.

3. Sex became about himÖÖ I honestly donít have an answer for this, Iíve always wanted to both give and receive, I admit there have been times when Iíve been more interested being on the receiving end, but Iíve always made sure my partner went to


sleep with a smile on her face. As I said earlier there is a big difference between making LOVE and having SEX. LOVE cannot be a selfish act, SEX, however can be. Therein lies the problem. HE wanted SEX and SHE wanted LOVE. Thatís a problem that needs to be addressed. (Although in Lisaís case not anymore)

4. More time with friends; I used to be guilty of that and I truly regret it. But I found that I had more in common with my friends than my wife after 17 years of marriage. I could talk to my friends more freely than I could communicate with my wife without fear of reprisal. Women seem to want communication but seldom like what we have to say. When we had discussions it was usually what she wanted to talk about and why she was right. After awhile it seemed safer just to not talk about anything relevant. This is an affliction that affects most couples after a fixed period of time. I remember when I could talk to my wife during the newly wed stage up to about two to three years into our relationship. Now discussions seem to be short and shallow. Anything deeper than that results in an argument sixty percent of the time. This is something that I/we as a couple need to work on and improve.

A good marriage is able to balance his AND her time with their friends. Finding the right balance is a tightrope each potential couple needs to discover together. Hopefully years will not diminish the desire to spend time together rather than be with friends only. If this is already occurring before the wedding the marriage is already doomed

5. Interest in the wedding. Iím sorry, Iím sure his mind was on the honeymoon. Still, A groom should be expected to express some interest in the wedding, but to be honest, the wedding is really for the bride. Ask any guy, and heíll say he didnít get too involved in the wedding planning. It was the bride, the bridesmaids and the bridesí mother and future mother in law. This is really not a guy thing. I looked at reception halls and cakes etc, but my wife and her friends were more involved in the planning stages than me. I booked and planned and paid for the Honeymoon though. Is that being stereotypical??

6. He kept looking at internet porn and then expected me to be receptive to his advances. I have no defense for this. I canít even try to build a defense for this one. Lisa shouldnít be receptive to his lust brought about through porn viewing. Hand him a jar of Vaseline and a towel and wish him a good one. Two words; NO CLASS.

Well, as I said, I donít have all of the answers. I however was able to glean some insight from Lisa into how woman want things and compare and contrast that to how men want as view things. Iíve looked it all over and gave myself a migraine. How do things get so far apart? Why donít we as mature men and woman recognize the warning signs and sit down as a couple and work through them without the emotional baggage or the accusatory tone of youíre wrong and Iím right. Upon careful examination of all the data, Iíve come to realize that itís a miracle anybody stays married. Hell, I still donít know how Iíve lasted 17 years. There are still more times than not that Iíve felt like packing it in and still may do so one day or I may be asked to hit the road by my wife, who knows? I know my wife has issues with me that frustrate her to no end. Our relationship is far from perfect and we have issues that neither of us is willing to give on, itís these issues that may one day break us up. But for now I still walk that tightrope day by day until I either decide that I want to get off or get pushed off.

If I could offer advice to my young married friends and those who are in relationships and those who are simply newlyweds of any age. Why is it that the strongest Oak Tree will break under the wrath of the storm yet the fragile willow perseveres the wrath of nature? The answer is simple; the mighty Oak is firm and rigid, unbending before the storm, while the fragile willow is pliable and flexible enough to bend with the oncoming wind. In the end it is the flexible Willow tree that survives the storm while the rigid, unbending oak is felled and broken. This is the best analogy from the Tao that I can apply to relationships; be like the willow bending upon strife; in flexibility there is longevity.

Take it for what itís worth, from a man struggling to figure it all out just like everybody else.

-Nuff said. (I need some Excedrin Migraine. This figuring out the sexes has given me a headache.)

-Esper of The Round Table

About the Author

Greg Ballan is a published Science Fiction Novelest and blogger. He can be reached art Sparhawk76@msn.com

 

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  • take off the rose colored glasses when dating

  • take responsible for our condition

  • taking care of children after divorce

  • telltale signs your spouse is cheating

  • ten easy yet powerful ways to get in the spirit to date again after a break up

  • ten easy yet powerful way to get in the spirit to date again after a break up or time out

  • ten financial tips for women

  • ten ways churches can reach out to single parent families

  • texas family law child support

  • the absentee parent parenting from a distance

  • the basics of marriage counseling

  • the call of the loon

  • the confidence walk

  • the cost of adhd treatment a must for emotional physical and financial health

  • the crucial role of the new dad

  • the dangers of a me first marriage

  • the desired effect of music on child transform him or her into an angel

  • the effect of increasing outside work

  • the essence of infidelity

  • the ethical responsible puppy buyer

  • the facts of life what every woman should know about money

  • the family cycle i euphoric and dysphoric cycles in marriage

  • the girl in my college

  • the glitter bitter jewelry

  • the gorilla times vol 4

  • the informal normal in a black tie affair world

  • the joys of being healthy

  • the love pyramid mini course

  • the mans no nonsense guide to women now available in paperback author marc rudov picks up endorsement from susan shapiro barash

  • the melting pot

  • the over working mother

  • the power to succeed

  • the prenuptial agreement dilemma

  • the quadfathers daily devotional for domestic dads

  • the quest for intimacy and passion challenges for the acd

  • the road not taken

  • the second time another white wedding

  • the secret to success in courtship and marriage sex and happiness part 1

  • the secret to success in courtship and marriage sex and happiness part 2

  • the secret to success in courtship and marriage sex and happiness part 5

  • the talking stick

  • the talking stick a mans promise to give undivided attention

  • the thrill ride called life facing fear with strength and courage

  • the venus flower basket symbol of love

  • the wedding aisle who is walking you down it

  • the womans guide to younger men

  • things i learned from mister rogers

  • think you cant afford your own home think again

  • three amigos

  • tips to help find missing persons

  • tired of online dating

  • tis the season

  • todays woman

  • too late

  • too many divorces

  • top 10 secrets to avoiding marital money chaos

  • top 4 reasons women ride the emotional roller coaster

  • top ten list of what to do and what not to do in relationships

  • to all the men ill never love again

  • to all the men i ll never love again

  • to love forever

  • trekshare com crashing a wedding in laos part 1

  • trust in marriage

  • trust starts with you

  • two hearts are now one

  • uncontested divorce how thinking about an uncontested divorce figures into your decision about divorce

  • uniforms

  • unintended consequences

  • using pain to institute change in your life

  • vasectomy reversal a personal story

  • warning signs your guy may be a mr wrong instead of mr right

  • weddings for the guests of honor the bride and groom

  • weddings you are not who i married yesterday

  • wedding invitationstodays etiquette and wording

  • wedding reception seating tips

  • western wedding done dirt cheap

  • we all need a father figure to lean on

  • whats it all about

  • what 10 things divorced parent should do to promote positive child adjustment

  • what 3 greatest gift you can give to your children by co parenting

  • what are fathers rights

  • what causes separation anxiety in children

  • what divorce parenting practices is best appropriate for an infant

  • what divorce parenting practices is best appropriate for preschoolers

  • what divorce parenting practices is best appropriate for school age children

  • what divorce parenting practices is best appropriate for toddlers

  • what is it all about

  • what is reflexology

  • what is the first thing to say when you want a divorce

  • what its all about

  • what makes cheating spouses cheat

  • what parents should do for children to do their best after divorce

  • what women want

  • what you can do as a non raging mate to either fix the relationship or forget it

  • when not to begin potty training

  • when renting is better than buying

  • when somethings not right about your career part vi vi second chance

  • when the kids wont listen

  • where does one start to succeed when nothing is working

  • whose decision

  • whos helping our grieving children cope with katrina

  • who says life doesnt repeat itself

  • who says online datings only for losers

  • who should relocate in a long distance relationship

  • who wants to be rich

  • why arent you using this marriage saving tip

  • why are russian women so popular learn the secrets

  • why are there so many fat kids

  • why does god permit wickedness and suffering part 2

  • why do cheating spouses cheat

  • why do men cheat

  • why is desperate housewives so popular

  • why men cheat

  • why men wont commit to marriage

  • why receive christian pre marital counseling

  • why women should worry about retirement more than men

  • widen and deepen your relationships get to the good stuff

  • winning my battle with anxiety

  • wise women money quiz how money wise are you

  • woman thou art great

  • women and divorce how women should protect themselves financially regarding divorce

  • women and pensions what women need to know and do

  • women and workplace stress its more than the job

  • women and workplace stress it s more than the job

  • women in sindh

  • women in transition

  • women in transition from post feminism to past femininity

  • women in transition from post feminism to past femininity part ii

  • women who wear the pants in the family

  • words of wisdom for single parents

  • wow grandma is dating

  • writing the chapters of your life surprising insights using this special journaling technique

  • yesterday today and tomorrow

  • your beloved soldier is coming home now what

  • your children should not suffer because of divorce

  • you can either have fun or make money not when you use emotional intelligence

  • you can either have fun or you can make money not when you use your emotional intelligence

  • you can improve your relationship