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A Mechanical Metaphor
If your car breaks down you don't throw it away, so why are you considering it with your relationship?
Over the years of reading self-help books, it’s become obvious to me that I rarely find one that I could get my Dad, or most other men, to...
"An Excerpt from "Midlife Dating Manual for Women"
MUSTARD, MAYO, CUT THE PICKLES Trust radius, an EQ competency, suggests trusting someone until you have been proven wrong, but you don’t want to damage yourself in the process. Midlife dating has its perils, and if you’ve been out of the dating...
Five Christmas Survival Tips For The Divorced & Single Parent
For the over 50% of marriages that end in divorce, Christmas can be a hugely trying time.
Since the season is one of the most stressful times of the year anyway, this onslaught of raw emotion to the divorcee can be overwhelming. This is...
Is your life’s purpose for sale?
Is your life’s purpose for sale?
There is no purpose too big or too small
By Craig Nathanson
Meet Joe. He’s a middle-aged bridge toll-taker in the San Francisco Bay Area. In a recent interview, Joe said he loves the role he has filled for...
To Love Forever
Some time ago we were leading a college seminar for sexually sophisticated, exuberant and articulate young couples from a local church when James, one of the husbands, said: Nancy and I have long since learned how to insert Tab A into Slot B, so we...
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Blessings In A Mother's Tears
As a mother, my intuition told me that something just wasn’t right. Most doctors blew off my concerns about my daughter, Deborah. They said the behavior problems were just “terrible twos” or “extra family stress” from my divorce. I knew from the time of my pregnancy that something was different. Even the labor and delivery was unusual. By the age of two Deborah was displaying explosive behavior, head banging, screaming during the night and kicking walls. Her first psychiatric evaluation was at the age of 2 ½ and came back “normal”.
As Deborah got older the behavior continued but was somewhat manageable, with very creative parenting techniques and close monitoring. By third grade she was diagnosed with ADHD and medicated. This helped somewhat but I still sensed that something wasn’t right. A second opinion showed four additional diagnoses of OCD, ODD, depression and anxiety. Additional medication was helpful for the behavior but there were always side effects. School was becoming a challenge. Grades were inconsistent and Deborah continued to show no interest. Things seemed to hold steady for a few years.
Then, August 2000, the situation took a turn for the worst. Deborah, then 14 years old, was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder. Also known as manic depression, this mental illness is characterized by drastic mood swings. The bipolar, along with the other disorders completely changed my daughter into someone that, at times, I hardly knew. When we were first told of the diagnosis, I was somewhat relieved that there was a reason for the extreme and bizarre behavior we were witnessing. However, my life became an emotional rollercoster.
As a mother, I immediately felt that if I tried hard enough I could “save” my daughter from this awful illness. I figured that if I tried hard enough I could “fix” everything so that her life would be “normal” and she wouldn’t have to suffer. Most of what I was doing had been very good for myself and the rest of my family. However, Deborah was in denial and wouldn’t accept any of the help that I offered her. That was the painful part because as a mother, I wanted to reach out and protect her.
I began a crusade of educating myself, joining parent advocacy groups, going to conferences, reading books, collecting information, networking with other parents, networking with the school, and going to counseling. I immediately went on Family Medical Leave from work and began working a reduced schedule so that I could closely monitor Deborah until she was stabilized. I still feel that all of these things were very positive. However, I tried to push all of this on my daughter and expected
her to react positively to my assistance. She didn’t, she felt controlled and smothered and lashed out even more. This was so painful for me because I wanted so desperately to protect her. I slowly realized that Deborah must want to be helped – nothing could be pushed on her.
Deborah was not doing well in school and there were so many options available to help her succeed. Again, she was not receptive to anyone’s help and out- patient counseling was not effective. I was constantly fighting the urge to push my knowledge and ideas on her. Because, after all, “mother knows best”. Instead I tried to be subtle with her – then I would retreat to my bedroom and cry. I struggled between elation – when she was in a good mood, anger - when she wouldn’t speak to me, and hate – when she was swearing at me.
I continued to network and educate myself, remembering to do it for myself and not push it on my daughter. I tried to take care of myself and to not give up my whole life because of this illness. I slowly recognized the positive things about this situation. Like, how it caused me to reprioritize my life and take a stand for what I believed in. I did a lot of soul searching and made some personal decisions that I had been putting off. All of this placed me way outside of my comfort zone and it wasn’t a good feeling. But, like life itself, it’s a process. It’s personal growth.
I actually must thank the Lord for this whole situation because it has helped me in so many ways. Things are so much clearer to me now and my path is much more obvious. I am not the one with the illness but I am going through a personal growth so astounding that I wouldn’t trade the experience for anything in the world. My heart aches for Deborah and each tear I cry represents my love for her. I would like to share my experience with her, make her aware of how I feel and what I’m going through. However, she’s not ready to hear it. I would love to see her go through a similar growth. Maybe she is, in her own way. Or maybe she’ll look back years from now and realize that she gained something from all this. I know my life will be painful for awhile but I will continue to survive. I pray that all the pain will be worth the gain.
© 2001 By Monique Rider
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Monique Rider is a Life Coach and Personal Trainer. She owns Trinity Coaching Services, a company that offers fitness training and personal growth services to clients worldwide. To learn more about Monique please visit her website: http://home.talkcity.com/workoutpl/trinitycoachingservices/ or email her at: Monique_Rider@msn.com
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divorce.co.uk - advice on mediation, counselling and legal aspects ... |
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Divorce Magazine, information about separation and divorce |
Divorce Magazine is a compassionate self-help resource for people in need of information about separation and divorce. |
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Divorce - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia |
Divorce or dissolution of marriage is the ending of a marriage before the ... A decree of divorce is initially granted 'nisi', i.e. (unless cause is later ... |
en.wikipedia.org |
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DivorceNet - Divorce Net: Family Law Information, Solutions, News ... |
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The Divorce Support Page: Divorce, Child Custody, Alimony, Support ... |
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Divorce Source: a legal resource for divorce, custody, alimony ... |
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DivorceInfo Surviving Divorce Managing Lawyers Alimony Child Support |
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Divorce - Wex |
An overview of divorce law with links to key primary and secondary sources, from Cornell University's Legal Information Institute. |
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MedlinePlus: Divorce |
Children; Children and Divorce (American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry) ... Select services and providers for Divorce in your area. ... |
www.nlm.nih.gov |
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Divorce Aid :: Online Guide to UK Divorce Law, Information and Advice |
The largest free online interactive divorce resource in the UK for divorce law, advice, emotional support, counselling, mediation, and website for ... |
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Divorce-Online :The UK's leading low cost divorce service |
The largest free online divorce and separation resource in the UK with information, forums, chat, experts and articles. |
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How to Divorce As Friends - Featured on Oprah - Bill Ferguson |
Advice, recommended books, and telephone counseling to help couples resolve difficult issues connected with divorce or even save their marriage. |
www.divorceasfriends.com |
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Welcome To Divorce Online ~ www.divorceonline.com |
An electronic journal providing information and referrals for people facing divorce. |
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Federal Magistrates Court - On-line Application for Divorce |
In the short-term, please use the Application for Divorce form which can be found at ... Our E-mail address for family law enquiries (including divorce) is ... |
www.divorce.gov.au |
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DivorceCare: Divorce Recovery Support Groups |
DivorceCare is a divorce recovery support group where you can find help and healing for the hurt of separation and divorce. |
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Divorce Central Home Page |
Links to divorce-related resources, organized by state, with an archive of articles and interviews. |
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Divorce Helpline — tools to keep you out of court |
Providing information about divorce, and referrals to family law attorneys. |
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Divorce and relationship breakdown : Directgov - Parents |
Advice on counselling, mediation and the divorce process, including where to find a solicitor. |
www.direct.gov.uk |
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Americans for Divorce Reform, Inc. |
John Crouch speaks about divorce law reform and presents a paper by John Crouch and Richard ... To find out how to work on divorce reform in your state ... |
www.divorcereform.org |
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Divorce Busting® - Solve Marriage Problems, Save My Marriage, Save ... |
Divorce is not the answer to marriage problems. Stop your divorce and save your marriage with advice from Michele Weiner-Davis. |
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