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"An Excerpt from "Midlife Dating Manual for Women"

MUSTARD, MAYO, CUT THE PICKLES

Trust radius, an EQ competency, suggests trusting someone until you have been proven wrong, but you don’t want to damage yourself in the process. Midlife dating has its perils, and if you’ve been out of the dating world for some time, you’ll need a refresher course.

First of all, you have to know what you want, because, like the wall of pantyhose or cheeses you stare at in the supermarket, there are now 500 choices, where there used to be three. Okay, two if you were Catholic. But today you can “have it your way,” and you can’t imagine what this means to some men!

So when you get to the drive-in window, know what you want. Companionship without commitment? Is that with or without sex? Do you want long-term and sex? Is that with or without commitment? Friend with benefits? Benefits without friendship? Marriage? Is that marriage with or without fidelity? (What do you mean “Am I kidding?”)

Nearly two thirds of the 27,000,000 singles over the age of 50 in the US say they don’t date because they prefer being single, and 9% say they would not date ever, under any circumstances, so you can’t assume anything.

You need to know your own expectations and goals, to find out those of the man you’re dating, and then get some definitions of the terms. This is why you communicate, and don’t be shy! The heart you save could be your own.

Most men will say what they want without beating around the bush. But they don’t volunteer it (why use words until you have to?), you must ask.

Martha asked Rob about marriage after they’d been dating a while, and he replied, “Oh, one woman would never be enough for me.” Martha was then sure she was the woman who would be. She wasn’t listening. Whenever he told her he’d never met anyone like her, her wishful thinking interpreted that to mean “…and so I’ll be one he’ll be faithful to.”

Guess what? She was wrong.

Barring the incorrigible sociopath, men don’t lie, women just ignore what they hear because they don’t want to hear it. Martha ended up hurt, but you can’t say Rob lied or had bad intentions. He put it right out there. She just refused to believe it.

One reason we do this is because men are big fabricators, especially when they’re courting. When they’re trying to get you into bed, you’ll get a steady stream of head-spinning affirmations, which should be taken with a grain of salt. HOWEVER, even during this fragile period, when asked a direct question, i.e., “Do you want a committed long-term relationship?” they will answer truthfully. It’s part of the peculiar and contradictory Male Honor Code.

THE MALE HONOR CODE PART II

Another part of the Male Honor Code is “what’s good for the gander is not good for the goose.” He honestly believes, and may honestly expect you to “understand,” that it’s not cheating if he sleeps with another woman, but that it is cheating if you sleep with another man.

Don’t be fooled that because he demands fidelity from you it means he requires it of himself. He’ll likely deny there’s any connection. “That’s different,” he will say, with a perfectly straight face, just as if he were making sense. They do not seem to outgrow this with age. They do not necessarily become more comprehensible!

“I LOVE YOU” OUT OF CONTEXT

Because men are not as adept with words and nuances, when he says something like “I love you,” watch to see if be behaves that way; if he acts that way. He may not actually know what the word “love” means. (Perhaps your first husband did not!)

Unless they bottom out, men get better at courting with age, and it’s one of life’s greatest thrills. Enjoy it. Just stick around to see what lies on the other side of it. “I love you” may mean “I want your body” to him, while to you it may mean “I am ready to make a commitment, to be kind and faithful to you, to respect you and care about you …”

Be wary of the phrase “I love you” if you haven’t dated in a while. Men of the Silent Generation (born before 1944) generally uttered those three words only at the end of a long and serious courtship. It was tantamount to a marriage proposal, and was likely to be said only once, unless one of you happened to be on a deathbed or something. “Why do I have to say it? I married you didn’t I?” was the response. You see what “I love you” meant back then?? As sacred as Yahweh, it was not to uttered.




Not so these days! Both men and women these days are more emotionally expressive, and use the phrase much more lightly than you may be accustomed to. When your guy says it, it can mean:

·I have no idea, but I know women want to hear it.

·I’m feeling great and into myself.

·I love myself.

·Will you marry me?

·That’s not what I said. I was clearing my throat.

·A lifetime commitment.

·That was great sex.

·Let’s have great sex.

·We’re having great sex.

·I don’t know, but when the guy in the movie said it, he got laid.

“I LOVE YOU” IN CONTEXT

It matters what precedes and follows the phrase, and how long the time-gap was. If the word “but” is anywhere around it, there will be tears.

When followed several weeks later by “I care about you very much,” “I love you” meant “I was hot for you but this has gotten too heavy and now I’m outa here.”

When preceded immediately by “I have to tell you something. I’m married but I love you,” it means “I’m hot for you, this will never get heavy, but I hope you won’t kick me outa here.”

You see how complicated it gets!

There’s no general meaning or even non-meaning for the term with men. Man are from their OWN planet. It isn’t even as easy as to say they’re all from the same OTHER planet.

THE MALE HONOR CODE PART III

It does remain true that if you don’t want the answer, don’t ask the question. This takes us back to the Male Honor Code. Remember that direct questions get direct, rational answers; that is, untempered by sensitivity. Being generally lower in empathy, if you ask your man, “Does this make my butt look fat?” (which you wouldn’t ask if you didn’t think it did), and he answers, “Yes. Very,” don’t say I didn’t warn you.

A last part of the Male Honor Code is about “don’t kiss and tell.” This comes up in intimate conversations. You are discussing a relationship or sexual issue, and sharing a past experience in order to increase understanding, to improve things, to make a point, and because you value your relationship to him the most. Then it’s his turn to share, and here’s what you get: “I don’t kiss and tell.”

I don’t think it has to do with empathy. It’s more like if there’s one thing that’s gotten through to them, it would be that to talk about sex with another woman would get them castrated. It could also be that while you were talking about making out on a beach with a pina colada in your hand, he was flashing on something about a Mile High Club, himself, 3 stewardesses, a seeing-eye dog, Murat the Turk, some duct tape, and a hookah.

WHEN WORDS ARE LACKING

While men will talk about their former spouses, the ones who had divorce filed on them usually claim to have no clue as to why. It always just happened out of the blue. “I walked in one day and she’d taken all her things. I had no idea she was unhappy.

If your guy is doing this, understand that his interpersonal relationship skills aren’t the highest (again, no reason per se to disqualify him) and that you’re going to have to deal with problems very directly. I can’t imagine a woman divorcing a man who hadn’t spent sometimes years belaboring the same points, which, because he doesn’t know why he was “left,” means he never heard them, which is why she left. Words had more or less become meaningless. Perhaps you, with more age, wisdom and experience, can have better luck!

I don’t speak or understand “Martian” any better than you do; I’ve just learned alternate means of communication over the years which work better. How about you?

Communicating with a man in a daily relationship has been likened to training a dog. Reasoning doesn’t work. Explaining doesn’t work. Begging doesn’t work. Clear commands and quick, consistent consequences do. And, as with your dog, you must figure out how to get his attention first. It may mean removing the remote control, or even swatting a rolled newspaper on the coffee table. Do what you have to do! After all, the way they learned not to “kiss and tell” was because they did once!

ABOUT THE AUTHOR
©Susan Dunn, MA, The EQ Coach, http://www.susandunn.cc . Susan is an Emotional Intelligence coach who works with women in midlife, and is the author of “Midlife Dating Manual for Women,” available on her website. Mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc for FREE ezine.


 

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  • success begins within

  • sunset in the rear view mirror

  • surfing the edge of the known

  • surviving divorce what to think about to ensure surviving divorce

  • surviving life after divorce

  • take off the rose colored glasses when dating

  • take responsible for our condition

  • taking care of children after divorce

  • telltale signs your spouse is cheating

  • ten easy yet powerful ways to get in the spirit to date again after a break up

  • ten easy yet powerful way to get in the spirit to date again after a break up or time out

  • ten financial tips for women

  • ten ways churches can reach out to single parent families

  • texas family law child support

  • the absentee parent parenting from a distance

  • the basics of marriage counseling

  • the call of the loon

  • the confidence walk

  • the cost of adhd treatment a must for emotional physical and financial health

  • the crucial role of the new dad

  • the dangers of a me first marriage

  • the desired effect of music on child transform him or her into an angel

  • the effect of increasing outside work

  • the essence of infidelity

  • the ethical responsible puppy buyer

  • the facts of life what every woman should know about money

  • the family cycle i euphoric and dysphoric cycles in marriage

  • the girl in my college

  • the glitter bitter jewelry

  • the gorilla times vol 4

  • the informal normal in a black tie affair world

  • the joys of being healthy

  • the love pyramid mini course

  • the mans no nonsense guide to women now available in paperback author marc rudov picks up endorsement from susan shapiro barash

  • the melting pot

  • the over working mother

  • the power to succeed

  • the prenuptial agreement dilemma

  • the quadfathers daily devotional for domestic dads

  • the quest for intimacy and passion challenges for the acd

  • the road not taken

  • the second time another white wedding

  • the secret to success in courtship and marriage sex and happiness part 1

  • the secret to success in courtship and marriage sex and happiness part 2

  • the secret to success in courtship and marriage sex and happiness part 5

  • the talking stick

  • the talking stick a mans promise to give undivided attention

  • the thrill ride called life facing fear with strength and courage

  • the venus flower basket symbol of love

  • the wedding aisle who is walking you down it

  • the womans guide to younger men

  • things i learned from mister rogers

  • think you cant afford your own home think again

  • three amigos

  • tips to help find missing persons

  • tired of online dating

  • tis the season

  • todays woman

  • too late

  • too many divorces

  • top 10 secrets to avoiding marital money chaos

  • top 4 reasons women ride the emotional roller coaster

  • top ten list of what to do and what not to do in relationships

  • to all the men ill never love again

  • to all the men i ll never love again

  • to love forever

  • trekshare com crashing a wedding in laos part 1

  • trust in marriage

  • trust starts with you

  • two hearts are now one

  • uncontested divorce how thinking about an uncontested divorce figures into your decision about divorce

  • uniforms

  • unintended consequences

  • using pain to institute change in your life

  • vasectomy reversal a personal story

  • warning signs your guy may be a mr wrong instead of mr right

  • weddings for the guests of honor the bride and groom

  • weddings you are not who i married yesterday

  • wedding invitationstodays etiquette and wording

  • wedding reception seating tips

  • western wedding done dirt cheap

  • we all need a father figure to lean on

  • whats it all about

  • what 10 things divorced parent should do to promote positive child adjustment

  • what 3 greatest gift you can give to your children by co parenting

  • what are fathers rights

  • what causes separation anxiety in children

  • what divorce parenting practices is best appropriate for an infant

  • what divorce parenting practices is best appropriate for preschoolers

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  • what divorce parenting practices is best appropriate for toddlers

  • what is it all about

  • what is reflexology

  • what is the first thing to say when you want a divorce

  • what its all about

  • what makes cheating spouses cheat

  • what parents should do for children to do their best after divorce

  • what women want

  • what you can do as a non raging mate to either fix the relationship or forget it

  • when not to begin potty training

  • when renting is better than buying

  • when somethings not right about your career part vi vi second chance

  • when the kids wont listen

  • where does one start to succeed when nothing is working

  • whose decision

  • whos helping our grieving children cope with katrina

  • who says life doesnt repeat itself

  • who says online datings only for losers

  • who should relocate in a long distance relationship

  • who wants to be rich

  • why arent you using this marriage saving tip

  • why are russian women so popular learn the secrets

  • why are there so many fat kids

  • why does god permit wickedness and suffering part 2

  • why do cheating spouses cheat

  • why do men cheat

  • why is desperate housewives so popular

  • why men cheat

  • why men wont commit to marriage

  • why receive christian pre marital counseling

  • why women should worry about retirement more than men

  • widen and deepen your relationships get to the good stuff

  • winning my battle with anxiety

  • wise women money quiz how money wise are you

  • woman thou art great

  • women and divorce how women should protect themselves financially regarding divorce

  • women and pensions what women need to know and do

  • women and workplace stress its more than the job

  • women and workplace stress it s more than the job

  • women in sindh

  • women in transition

  • women in transition from post feminism to past femininity

  • women in transition from post feminism to past femininity part ii

  • women who wear the pants in the family

  • words of wisdom for single parents

  • wow grandma is dating

  • writing the chapters of your life surprising insights using this special journaling technique

  • yesterday today and tomorrow

  • your beloved soldier is coming home now what

  • your children should not suffer because of divorce

  • you can either have fun or make money not when you use emotional intelligence

  • you can either have fun or you can make money not when you use your emotional intelligence

  • you can improve your relationship