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Down Low and Debatable

Black women talk candidly about men “on the down-low”. Warning: If you freak out at the mention of the word sex, reading this article may distort your moral values.

On a blustery winter morning in December 1999, Essex Garvey, a stay-at-home mom of four, was sorting laundry, when a glaring exhibition caught her eye. On the TV was a woman recently diagnosed with HIV. Noting the pained look on the woman’s face, Garvey discovered that the culprit was the woman’s boyfriend, an admitted bisexual. Pointing wildly at the TV she sighed: “Damn, that woman should have known her man was poking the log at both ends of the totem pole. Now, that would never happen to me."

Three years later Garvey faced a growing problem among African-American women. She discovered that her husband was embroiled in a steamy down-low affair. For those unfamiliar with the phrase, “down- low” refers to men who are married or have girlfriends but secretly sleep with men.

Garvey who divorced her husband in 2003, said the real tragedy of this epidemic is the refusal of many women to question their partner’s sexual history. “As women it is our responsibility to learn as much as we can about the men we sleep with,” she said stoically. “And my reason for stressing this, is, because too many brothers are banging the pipe at both ends of the anal and vaginal chasm without informing their mates.” A practice the 38-year-old concedes has led to deadly results.

The DL Debate

Although this lifestyle is not new. The regularity with which it occurs in the African-American community was brought to the forefront in 2004 by J.L. King. An admitted down lower, King is author of the best-seller On the Down Low: A Journey into the Lives of "Straight" Black Men Who Sleep with Men. The book not only exposed this contentious taboo, it opened African-Americans eyes to a subject they previously chose to ignore, but now can no longer deny its existence.

In assessing this situation, two questions that cannot be ignored is what effect down-lowism has on the health and family of women who are cognizant of their partner’s sexual orientation and those who don’t have a clue. To find out, I interviewed three women of different backgrounds. Featured among the trio was Cynthia, a prominent attorney who only dates married men; Quiana, a high school drop out who insists that “having a piece of man is better than no man at all,” and Lucia, a 35-year- old administrative assistant formerly in a relationship with a man on “the DL”. Because of the sensitive nature of this topic, the actual names of the women were not used. Instead, pseudonyms were applied to protect their identities. Now that you’re familiar with the backgrounds, let’s hear their stories. The first section will be devoted to health and the disturbing element of the Down-Low Affliction, an increase in HIV among women of color.

Speaking Out

“Hearing the results of my HIV test, suddenly anger turned to tears and I actually hugged the doctor. It was then that I realized that I was now part of the Down Low Brigade,” says Lucia, describing how she felt after learning her test results were negative. For Lucia this was indeed great news, based on a report by the Centers for Disease Control that says African American women represent a whopping 68 percent of new HIV cases.

Experts maintain the increase in HIV among Black women is attributable to several factors including bisexuality. While it is generally not acknowledged, bisexuality in the Black community is wide spread. Thus, putting women at risk. Agreeing with that assessment is Dr. Alvin Poussaint. In a 1996 interview with Ebony magazine, Dr. Poussaint, a psychiatrist at Harvard University noted, “No one knows the number, but there is a lot of bisexuality out there,” he asserted. “Just take the fact that so many Black men have been incarcerated. An extremely high number engage in homosexuality in prison because there are no other outlets. It is easy for a bisexual man to have a cover – women—and for no one to know he’s really bisexual.” Dr. Poussaint urged women to be “extremely cautious and get to know their partner.”

Not surprisingly, a large number of men on the down- low refuse to characterize themselves as gay or bisexual. Instead, they insist that they are


straight, an observation noted by 1 of the 3 women I interviewed. “The average person equates bisexual men with femininity,” says Lucia with a twinge of cynicism in her voice. “But my boyfriend was all man. He was tall, muscular, masculine and he acted just like a regular man. Now after learning what I know now, I wonder what a regular man is.”

When asked what actions they would take if they discovered their men were on the DL, Quiana and Cynthia had vastly different answers. “Like I said, having a piece of man in your life is better than having nothing at all,” Quiana reiterated. “So, if I found out he was on the down-low, I’d ask him to make a decision as to whether he wanted to be with me or with men. If he chose me, then that’s all good. But if he decided that a man is more desirable, we could still hook up, but sex would be out of the question.” Looking at Quiana in her leather jacket and denim skirt sitting atop a pair of designer boots, I casually asked “Is having a man in your life that important?” The response was not unexpected. “Hell yeah. I gots to have the hook up. And like I said we can hook up, but he ain’t getting none of this,” she says laughing and pointing to her genitalia. For Cynthia the answer was just the opposite. “I have a history of only dating married men. But if I found out one of them was on the DL, I would stop seeing him.” Just like that?” I asked. “Just like that,”she says vehemently. “I value my health too much to remain in a relationship with someone who’s at a high risk of contracting HIV.”

After revealing their most intimate secrets, it becomes obvious that the women are uncomfortable discussing down-lowism, but feel compel to explain their feelings. So it was on to the topic of how being in a relationship with a man on the DL can have a detrimental effect on the family.

Of the three women, Quiana says that her kids aren’t as naďve about people with alternative lifestyles as the average person; since homosexuality is rampant in her family. When pressed for further information she frowns and says “No Comment.” In contrast, Cynthia said that under no circumstances would she subject her kids, ages 10 and 7 to a down-low relationship. “Although I choose whom I want in my life, I have to consider my family when it comes to being intimate with someone who engages in sex with both men and women."

A victim of down-lowism, Lucia maintains that when her kids found about her boyfriend they were angry, scared and embarrassed. Angry, because he failed to mention he was on the DL. Scared, because they thought Lucia had HIV and/or AIDS and was going to die. “I have to reassure them constantly that I’m okay. So, regardless of what people say, such relationships can have a detrimental effect on the family. Lastly, they were embarrassed because they thought people would associate them with being gay, “especially my son,” says the Illinois native. “He didn’t want anyone thinking he was attracted to boys.”

In examining the impact of the down low on African-American women regarding family and health, one should keep in mind that each situation is different. As noted by the women above, when faced with such a situation some walk away while others choose to remain in the relationship. But, ladies be advised, if you delve into a relationship with a man on the DL, you’re not only putting yourself at risk but your family as well, especially if you have children. Thus, you are encouraged to use precaution at every corner and intersection when traveling along Down-Low Boulevard.

About The Author

A freelance writer since 1989, Peggy Butler has written for various magazines and Internet publications including Impact Press, Africana.com., TimBook Tu, and The Black World Today. Moreover, Butler who lists collecting 60s memorabilia among her hobbies, writes news, features, sports and entertainment articles, as well as commentaries and humor pieces.

Currently, the recently published author is a contributor for theblackmarket. com Visit her website at: www.Psbwrite.com

E-mail: Publisher987@wmconnect.com

Copyright 2005 by Peggy Butler

 

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  • the facts of life what every woman should know about money

  • the family cycle i euphoric and dysphoric cycles in marriage

  • the girl in my college

  • the glitter bitter jewelry

  • the gorilla times vol 4

  • the informal normal in a black tie affair world

  • the joys of being healthy

  • the love pyramid mini course

  • the mans no nonsense guide to women now available in paperback author marc rudov picks up endorsement from susan shapiro barash

  • the melting pot

  • the over working mother

  • the power to succeed

  • the prenuptial agreement dilemma

  • the quadfathers daily devotional for domestic dads

  • the quest for intimacy and passion challenges for the acd

  • the road not taken

  • the second time another white wedding

  • the secret to success in courtship and marriage sex and happiness part 1

  • the secret to success in courtship and marriage sex and happiness part 2

  • the secret to success in courtship and marriage sex and happiness part 5

  • the talking stick

  • the talking stick a mans promise to give undivided attention

  • the thrill ride called life facing fear with strength and courage

  • the venus flower basket symbol of love

  • the wedding aisle who is walking you down it

  • the womans guide to younger men

  • things i learned from mister rogers

  • think you cant afford your own home think again

  • three amigos

  • tips to help find missing persons

  • tired of online dating

  • tis the season

  • todays woman

  • too late

  • too many divorces

  • top 10 secrets to avoiding marital money chaos

  • top 4 reasons women ride the emotional roller coaster

  • top ten list of what to do and what not to do in relationships

  • to all the men ill never love again

  • to all the men i ll never love again

  • to love forever

  • trekshare com crashing a wedding in laos part 1

  • trust in marriage

  • trust starts with you

  • two hearts are now one

  • uncontested divorce how thinking about an uncontested divorce figures into your decision about divorce

  • uniforms

  • unintended consequences

  • using pain to institute change in your life

  • vasectomy reversal a personal story

  • warning signs your guy may be a mr wrong instead of mr right

  • weddings for the guests of honor the bride and groom

  • weddings you are not who i married yesterday

  • wedding invitationstodays etiquette and wording

  • wedding reception seating tips

  • western wedding done dirt cheap

  • we all need a father figure to lean on

  • whats it all about

  • what 10 things divorced parent should do to promote positive child adjustment

  • what 3 greatest gift you can give to your children by co parenting

  • what are fathers rights

  • what causes separation anxiety in children

  • what divorce parenting practices is best appropriate for an infant

  • what divorce parenting practices is best appropriate for preschoolers

  • what divorce parenting practices is best appropriate for school age children

  • what divorce parenting practices is best appropriate for toddlers

  • what is it all about

  • what is reflexology

  • what is the first thing to say when you want a divorce

  • what its all about

  • what makes cheating spouses cheat

  • what parents should do for children to do their best after divorce

  • what women want

  • what you can do as a non raging mate to either fix the relationship or forget it

  • when not to begin potty training

  • when renting is better than buying

  • when somethings not right about your career part vi vi second chance

  • when the kids wont listen

  • where does one start to succeed when nothing is working

  • whose decision

  • whos helping our grieving children cope with katrina

  • who says life doesnt repeat itself

  • who says online datings only for losers

  • who should relocate in a long distance relationship

  • who wants to be rich

  • why arent you using this marriage saving tip

  • why are russian women so popular learn the secrets

  • why are there so many fat kids

  • why does god permit wickedness and suffering part 2

  • why do cheating spouses cheat

  • why do men cheat

  • why is desperate housewives so popular

  • why men cheat

  • why men wont commit to marriage

  • why receive christian pre marital counseling

  • why women should worry about retirement more than men

  • widen and deepen your relationships get to the good stuff

  • winning my battle with anxiety

  • wise women money quiz how money wise are you

  • woman thou art great

  • women and divorce how women should protect themselves financially regarding divorce

  • women and pensions what women need to know and do

  • women and workplace stress its more than the job

  • women and workplace stress it s more than the job

  • women in sindh

  • women in transition

  • women in transition from post feminism to past femininity

  • women in transition from post feminism to past femininity part ii

  • women who wear the pants in the family

  • words of wisdom for single parents

  • wow grandma is dating

  • writing the chapters of your life surprising insights using this special journaling technique

  • yesterday today and tomorrow

  • your beloved soldier is coming home now what

  • your children should not suffer because of divorce

  • you can either have fun or make money not when you use emotional intelligence

  • you can either have fun or you can make money not when you use your emotional intelligence

  • you can improve your relationship