|
|
|
Are You Speaking the Same Language in Your Office?
The other day I was talking with a client who was looking for a partner and using one of the online dating services. She had requested someone who “liked traditional roles,” and was finding all sorts of surprises when she talked with the gentlemen...
Facing the Homeschool Super Mom
I know this Mom. She homeschools her 5 children, plus she tutors several other children that are dropped off at her house. AND she's a Pastor's wife. AND she's working on fixing up the fixer-upper they just moved into. Whenever I've been in...
Holistic Health
Holistic Health
Health is defined by the WHO as 'a state of physical, mental and social well-being, not merely an absence of diseases or infirmity'. Flexible adjustment to the changing demands of environment is health and it is not a state.
...
Should I Tell My Child Of Their Asperger's Syndrome Diagnosis?
To tell or not tell your child or others of their diagnosis of Asperger’s Syndrome? It’s really a personal decision that has pros and cons on either side. Some parents may struggle with telling a 3 year old they have Asperger’s Syndrome, fearing...
The One Important Secret of Making More Money Easily.
Copyright 2005 Patric Chan
If you're reading this article, it means you are a person who wants to make more money in life.
Who doesn't? Money is not everything in life, but it sure helps to decrease problems if it is used correctly.
Some...
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
Should I Give Up Me To Not Lose You?
The following article is offered for free use in your ezine, print publication or on your web site, so long as the author resource box at the end is included, with hyperlinks. Notification of publication would be appreciated.
Title: Should I Give Up Me To Not Lose You?
Author: Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
E-mail: mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com
Copyright: © 2004 by Margaret Paul
Web Address: http://www.innerbonding.com
Word Count: 793
Category: Relationships
SHOULD I GIVE UP ME TO NOT LOSE YOU?
by Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
How far can you afford to bend your values to preserve your relationship? How far can you go in giving yourself up to avoid losing your partner? How much of yourself can you afford to sacrifice to not lose someone you love? How do we find the balance between maintaining our integrity and bending our values?
Most relationships require us to bend to a certain extent, but how much can we bend without a sense of loss of self?
There is an inherent paradox in these questions: A truly loving relationship is a relationship where each person accepts and even values the differences between them. If you have to excessively bend your values to preserve the relationship, what are you preserving? You are not preserving a loving relationship since love does not demand that you excessively bend your values.
Rather than look at relationship in terms of bending values to accommodate another person, let’s look at it in terms of each person learning and growing as a result of their differences in values.
For example, Patricia is a highly responsible person with a strong work ethic, while Sam tends to let things go a lot, which results in an imbalance regarding financial responsibility in the relationship. Patricia is not happy about this. Does she just accept these differences to preserve the relationship? No! That is not what a good relationship is really about. Since a good relationship is about each person learning and growing from their differences, rather than one or both people giving themselves up, Sam and Patricia need to engage in open explorations about their differences. They each have beliefs that can be explored, and in this process, new learning occurs that leads to intrinsic change rather than superficial compromise.
The real problem occurs when one or both partners are not available for exploration and learning. If one partner says, “Just accept me the way I am,” or gets angry or withdrawn when the other partner attempts to discuss the situation, no learning can take place. Then the other partner either has to accommodate or leave – not a healthy situation.
Joe is extremely neat, while Julia has a hard time putting things away. Roberta is always on time while Cecelia is always late. Maggie is a spender while David is a saver. Carl has a high sex
drive while Andrea has a low sex drive. Angie is an authoritarian parent while Curt is a permissive parent. Ronald is highly social while Greg is a homebody. Depending upon whether or not each person is open to learning, these differences can lead to:
Constant conflict
One partner giving in to avoid conflict
Both partners opening to learning and growing as a result of their differences
The outcome of these conflicts depend entirely upon intent. There are only two possible intents in any given moment: The intent to protect against pain or the intent to learn about loive.
When one or both partners have the intent to protect against pain, then they will find many controlling ways of avoiding dealing with the differences. They may argue, defend, withdraw, blame, give in, resist, explain, and so on, Each is intent on having their way, not being controlled by the other, or avoiding the other’s rejection. This will always lead to distance and unhappiness in the relationship. The problem is not in the differences themselves, but rather in the unwillingness to learn and grow from the differences.
When both partners are open to learning about their differences, their differences become fertile ground for the exciting process of personal and spiritual growth and healing.
We cannot make another person be open to learning – we don’t have that control over others. If you are in a relationship where your partner refuses learn and grow from the differences, then you need to be honest with yourself regarding how much of yourself you can give up and still maintain a sense of integrity. You cannot afford to compromise your personal integrity. You can bend and accommodate as long as you do not feel as if you are losing yourself. Once you feel that you are losing yourself to preserve the relationship, you will likely find yourself so resentful of the other person that the relationship begin to fall apart anyway as a result of giving yourself up. You are not preserving it by accommodating – you are destroying it while losing yourself.
The key is to be willing to come up against conflict and rejection, and even lose the other person rather than continue to accommodate when going along with what your partner wants means a loss of your personal integrity. On the emotional and spiritual level, you can afford to lose your partner but you cannot afford to lose yourself.
About the Author
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?" She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or margaret@innerbonding.com.
|
|
|
|
|
| Ethics Updates Home Page. Moral theory; relativism; pluralism ... |
| Designed primarily to be used by ethics instructors and their students to provide updates on current literature, both popular and professional. |
| ethics.sandiego.edu |
|
| Ethics Resource Center: Celebrating 85 Years of Ethics Surveying ... |
| The Ethics Resource Center (ERC) is a non-profit, non-partisan research and survey organization in Washington, DC, dedicated to the study and promotion of ... |
| www.ethics.org |
|
| Ethics - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia |
| One form of applied ethics applies normative ethical theories to specific ... There are several sub-branches of applied ethics examining the ethical ... |
| en.wikipedia.org |
|
| Ethics |
| Quarterly international journal of moral, political, and legal philosophy. Edited by John Deigh, and published by the University of Chicago Press. |
| www.journals.uchicago.edu |
|
| Ethics, Electronic Edition |
| (ET ISSUES AVAILABLE ONLY SINCE VOLUME 112 NO 1). Help with Searching the Ethics Electronic Edition. Help with Access to the Ethics Electronic Edition ... |
| www.journals.uchicago.edu |
|
| Ethics [Internet Encyclopedia of Philosophy] |
| Describes the field and its division in metaethics, normative ethics, and applied ethics. By James Fieser. |
| www.iep.utm.edu |
|
| JSTOR: Ethics |
| JSTOR provides a digital archive of the print version of Ethics . ... Founded in 1890, Ethics is an international journal of moral, political, ... |
| www.jstor.org |
|
| Institute for Global Ethics | Home Page |
| An independent, nonprofit, nonsectarian, and nonpartisan organization dedicated to promoting awareness and discussion of global ethics. |
| www.globalethics.org |
|
| Business Ethics |
| Business Ethics Articles from George S. May International Company ... Links to other e-business ethics articles can also be found at this site. ... |
| www.web-miner.com |
|
| The Online Ethics Center for Engineering & Science |
| The Online Ethics Center for Engineering and Science mission is to provide engineers, scientists, and science and engineering students with resources for ... |
| onlineethics.org |
|
| Title Page: Spinoza's Ethics / Elwes Translation |
| Ethics Demonstrated in Geometric Order AND DIVIDED INTO FIVE PARTS, ... This edition of the Ethics utilizes internal hypertext coding to faciilitate the ... |
| www.mtsu.edu |
|
| APA Ethics Office: Ethics Information |
| American Psychological Association sanctioned resources for ethics in psychology, including guidelines for human and animal studies, rules and procedures, ... |
| www.apa.org |
|
| Aristotle's Ethics (Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy) |
| Discussion of Aristotle's ethical views; by Richard Kraut. |
| plato.stanford.edu |
|
| IEEE Code of Ethics |
| Code of ethics for members. |
| www.ieee.org |
|
| st james ethics centre - imagine a more ethical world ... |
| Not-for-profit organisation which provides a non-judgemental forum for the promotion and exploration of ethics. |
| www.ethics.org.au |
|
| Markkula Center for Applied Ethics at Santa Clara University ... |
| The Markkula Center for Applied Ethics at Santa Clara University is one of the preeminent centers for research and dialogue on ethical issues in critical ... |
| www.scu.edu |
|
| Poynter Online - Ethics |
| How Poynter developed ethics guidelines for our own publications. ... In creating online ethics guidelines, Poynter asks for your feedback. By Bob Steele ... |
| www.poynter.org |
|
| ACM: Code of Ethics |
| Code of Ethics and Professional Conduct. |
| www.acm.org |
|
| US Senate Ethics Committee |
| Investigates allegations of misconduct by members, and recommends disciplinary action to the full Senate. |
| ethics.senate.gov |
|
| LegalEthics.com: The Intersection of Ethics and the Law |
| Legalethics.com offers cases, codes, opinions, articles, links, and other reference material relating to ethics and the law. |
| www.legalethics.com |
|
|