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He Still Hasn't Popped the Question. Should You Give Him an Ultimatum?
You’ve been dating the man forever, and he has yet to cough up a ring. You spend every single weekend with him. You endure his flatulent buddies from college. You put up with his lunatic mother. You alternate spending holidays with his family...
Here’s Help for the “I Can’t Say ‘No’ Blues”
I hear it all the time. Cries from Christian women who want desperately to serve the Lord, but who feel overwhelmed. “I almost dread going to PTO meetings or church services anymore because I just know somebody else is going to ask me to help...
"Is Your Marriage Problem Severe Enough To Warrant Getting A Divorce?"
Having a marriage problem can be agonizing especially if you're trying to do all you can to make your marriage work. Depending on how your marriage was prior to thinking that you had a marriage problem, you could be in for a hurtful time if you...
Signs Of Infidelity: My Marriage Made Me Do It
Infidelity has different faces...and different signs and patterns.
Yes, infidelity is complex. You probably know that or perhaps feel the overwhelm and confusion.
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The exact origin of the wedding ring is uncertain and is rife with superstition and mythology. Papyruses dating back to the ancient Egyptian civilization depict wedding rings, and historians credit the land of the Pharaohs with originating this...
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Extramarital Affairs: What Everyone Needs to Know... and what you can do to help
Recent statistics suggest that 40% of women (and that number is increasing) and 60% of men at one point indulge in extramarital affairs. Put those numbers together and it is estimated that 80% of the marriages will have one spouse at one point or another involved in marital infidelity.
That may seem like a very steep number. However after two decades plus of full time work as a marriage and family therapist, I don't believe that number is off the charts. I worked with a great number of people involved in infidelity who were never discovered.
The possibility that someone close to you is or soon will be involved in an extramarital affair (any of the three parties) is extremely high.
Maybe you will know. You will see telltale signs. You will notice changes in the person's habits and behavioral patterns as well as a detachment, lack of focus and reduced productivity. Maybe you will sense something "out of character" but be unable to pinpoint what it is.
It is not a given that he/she will tell you. Those hiding the affair will continue to hide. The "victim" of the extramarital affair often, at least initially, is racked with anger, hurt, embarrassment and thoughts of failing that preclude divulging the crisis.
It might be important to confront the person with your observations, depending on the status of your relationship with the person.
It is important to understand that extramarital affairs are different and serve different purposes.
Out of my study and experience with hundreds of couples I've identified 7 different kinds of infidelity.
Briefly, some extramarital affairs are reactivity to a perceived lack of intimacy in the marriage. Others arise out of addictive tendencies or a history of sexual confusion or trauma.
Some in our culture play out issues of entitlement and power by becoming "trophy chasers." This "boys will be boys" mentality is subtly encouraged in some contexts. Some become involved in marital infidelity because of a high need for drama and excitement and are enthralled with the idea of "being in love" and having that "loving feeling."
An extramarital affair might be for revenge either because the spouse did or did not do something. Or the revenge may stem from rage. Although revenge is the motive for both, they look and feel very different.
Another form of infidelity serves the purpose of affirming personal desirability. A nagging question of being "OK" may lead to usually a short-term and one-person affair. And finally, some affairs are a dance that attempts to balance needs for distance and intimacy in the marriage, often with collusion from the spouse.
The prognosis for survivability of the marriage is different for each. Some affairs are the best thing that happens to a marriage. Others serve a death knell. As well, different extramarital affairs demand different strategies on the part of the spouse or others. Some demand toughness and movement. Others demand patience and understanding.
The emotional impact of the
discovery of infidelity is usually profound. Days and weeks of sleeplessness, rumination, fantasies (many sexual) and unproductivity follow. It typically takes 2 – 4 years to "work through" the implications. A good coach or therapist can accelerate and mollify the process. I don't recommend "marriage" counseling, at least initially.
The devastating emotional impact results from a couple powerful dynamics. Trust is shattered – of one's ability to discern the truth. The most important step is NOT to learn to trust the other person, but to learn to trust one's self. Another is the power that a secret plays in relationships. THE secret exacts an emotional and sometimes physical toll that needs to be acknowledged and dealt with.
How can you help?
Those in the midst of their affair crisis told me they need this from you:
1. Sometimes I want to vent, get it out without censor. I know sometimes I will say what I shouldn't be saying. It may not be nice, pretty or mild. Please know that I know better, but I need to get it off my chest.
2. Every so often I want to hear something like, "This too shall pass." Remind me that this is not forever.
3. I want to be validated. I want to know that I am OK. You can best do that by nodding acceptance when I talk about the pain or confusion.
4. I want to hear sometimes, "What are you learning? What are you doing to take care of yourself?" I may need that little jolt that moves me beyond my pain to see the larger picture.
5. I may want space. I may want you to be quiet and patient as I attempt to sort through and express my thoughts and feelings. Give me some time to stammer, stutter and stumble my way through this.
6. I want someone to point out some new options or different roads that I might take. But before you do this, make sure I am first heard and validated.
7. When they pop into your mind, recommend books or other resources that you think I might find helpful.
8. I want to hear every so often, "How's it going?" And, I may want this to be more than an informal greeting. Give me time and space to let you know exactly how it IS going.
9. I want you to understand and welcome the ambivalent feelings and desires. I would like you to be fairly comfortable with the gray areas and the contradictions about how I feel and what I may want.
10. I want you to be predictable. I want to be able to count on you to be there, listen and speak consistently or let me know when you are unable to do that. I will honor that.
Extramarital affairs are powerful. Affairs are costly. They affect family, friends, colleagues and employers. Infidelity is also an opportunity – to redesign one's life and love relationships in ways that create honor, joy and true intimacy.
Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach, has helped hundreds of couples over the past two decades heal from the agony of extramarital affairs and survive infidelity. Visit his website at: http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com/cmd.php?ad=139627
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Marriage - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia |
Marriages are generally publicly declared in the context of a wedding ceremony. ... The term wedlock is a synonym for marriage, and is mainly used in the ... |
en.wikipedia.org |
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Marriage Builders ® - Successful Marriage Advice |
Provides answers and insight to questions about infidelity, marriage counseling, and divorce. A free support forum is also available. |
www.marriagebuilders.com |
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Christian Marriages - Families Christianity Free Newsletters Sex ... |
A biweekly newsletter, published by Christianity Today, that provides information and articles of interest for couples. |
www.christianitytoday.com |
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Marriage -- THE starting place for exploring marriage |
Useful links, and weekly feature articles on making your marriage the best it can be. Chat room and bulletin board also onsite. From About.com. |
marriage.about.com |
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Marriage - Wex |
Today the underlying concept that marriage is a legal contract still remains ... Entering into a marriage changes the legal status of both parties and gives ... |
www.law.cornell.edu |
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Smart Marriages |
Clearinghouse: The latest EASY-TO-USE information to make your marriage or realtionship successful, sexy, and satisfying. |
www.smartmarriages.com |
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University of the Family - Marriage Ministries International |
Marriage is the foundation of the family. When the relationship is hurting, the family is hurting. Couples seek counseling and counseling and are often ... |
www.marriage.org |
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USC-MSA Compendium of Muslim Texts |
Marriage in Islam has aspects of both 'ibadah (worship) of Allah and mu'amalah ... The Prophet considered marriage for a Muslim as half of his religion ... |
www.usc.edu |
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Marriage Records - First Comes Love - Portland, Oregon |
Tonight (Wed Nov 29) Marriage’s own old intern Cole Miller and Glacier Park’s Jessie Slavich are playing at Valentine’s (232 SW Ankeny) downtown at 8pm. ... |
www.marriagerecs.com |
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National Marriage Project Home Page |
Research, education, training and advocacy to strengthen the institution of marriage. |
marriage.rutgers.edu |
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UKBMD - Births, Marriages, Deaths Indexes & Census transcriptions ... |
UK BMD Births, Marriages and Deaths Indexes Online. Baptims, Burials, Monumental Inscriptions, Cemetry, Cemetries, Civil Registration, GRO Indexes, BMD, ... |
www.ukbmd.org.uk |
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Welcome to Worldwide Marriage Encounter Home Page |
Marriage Encounter weekends give married couples the tools to make Good marriages GREAT marriages! Why settle for a ho-hum relationship when you can have a ... |
www.wwme.org |
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Alternatives to Marriage Project |
Provides support and information to people who choose not to marry, are unable to marry, or are making decisions about marriage. |
www.unmarried.org |
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Marriage Equality USA (index.shtml) |
Group solely committed to securing the right to civil marriage for same-sex couples. Related facts, membership information, and chapters. |
www.marriageequality.org |
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President Calls for Constitutional Amendment Protecting Marriage |
President Bush on Tuesday said, "The amendment should fully protect marriage, while leaving the state legislatures free to make their own choices in ... |
www.whitehouse.gov |
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Marriage in Ancient Rome |
Selected information plus a bibliography and internet links. |
www.fortunecity.com |
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Instructions to Obtain a Marriage Certificate Copy |
This page provides instructions for obtaining a certified or uncertified copy of a Wisconsin marriage certificate. |
www.dhfs.state.wi.us |
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Judaism 101: Marriage |
Learn about the Jewish concept of finding your soul mate, Jewish weddings, the process of acquiring a spouse, and the marital relationship. |
www.jewfaq.org |
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the marriage toolbox |
www.marriagetools.com/ - Similar pages |
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American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy |
Professionally developed resources for practitioners and consumers of marriage and family therapy. Site also offers a search engine for finding a qualified ... |
www.aamft.org |
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