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New Mobile Applications Shock Market (part 1 of 2)
From:
http://www.indefinitearticles.co.uk
New Mobile Applications Shock Market (part 1 of 2)
Five stunning, new integrated mobile phone applications are set
to revolutionise the way we communicate globally, while adding a
whole new meaning to the word "personal" (subject to operator
approval).
The applications have been devised and developed by the world
renowned Pevensey Bay Institute for Telecommunications Research
in East Sussex, England, helped by prominent Professor Heinz
Siebenundfünfzig of the nearby Polegate Institute for Population
Studies (annexe), near Eastbourne.
The Institute's Director, Professor Marc O'Nee, revealed that
researchers were determined to solve some of modern life's most
frustrating problems and, in so doing, found that these were, in
fact, closely interrelated.
Following months of research in which several of the scientists
lived with ordinary members of the public and observed the daily
challenges they faced, a remarkably consistent and integrated
set of user needs was established.
The new applications were then developed by separate teams
working under the direction of the Institute's head of Product
Realisation, the Italian Dr. Salvatore Centotredici, expertly
assisted by his American counterpart, originally from Naples,
Professor Niccolò Novecentoundici.
Following an invitation by Dr. O'Nee, I spent a day at the
Institute seeing how the applications worked individually and
when integrated. The remote and somewhat forbidding
establishment stands in its own grounds, surrounded by high
walls covered in barbed wire. Access is gained only after top
level security clearance and the signature of a personal injury
disclaimer (well, this is experimental).
I was escorted through the building by two monosyllabic, burly
young men in white coats, whom I took to be postgraduate
students. The huge product testing area, several hectares in
size, is itself constantly observed by what appeared to be other
scientists in white coats.
The applications were demonstrated to me individually in the
following order.
1. "The Pherophone"
Dr. Centotredici explained, "Modern life is so hectic and people
often have to move town for work. As a result romantic
attachments can be difficult to form, whatever one's
inclinations. Our team wondered how it could help Cupid's arrows
on their way."
Based on the function of pheromones, the Pherophone detects when
another person emits an airborne chemical message, signalling
sexual attraction to the user's mobile handset.
Just as with music or pictures, smells can be analysed, encoded
and stored digitally. In this case, the owner's own pheromone
signature, or smell, is initially stored digitally on his or her
handset.
Using a discrete attachment that looks strikingly like a pair of
tiny nostrils attached to the side of the phone, the hardware
and software can detect whether the person standing nearest the
phone will be romantically compatible with the owner.
Various grades of attraction can be depicted using text or
pictures. For example, the strongest favourable match results in
the display on screen of pictures of trains going through
tunnels and of rockets exploding.
Conversely the detection of an incompatible stranger causes a
picture to be displayed of a divorce hearing and an estimate
indicating the eventual financial cost to the user of such a
relationship. This can be adjusted using global positioning
satellite technology to local currency.
Sound alerts are under review as they can cause problems. For
example, loud ring tones playing Verdi's "La donna è mobile"
(favourable) or Elton John's "The bitch is back" (unfavourable)
have met with "user resistance" after several violent incidents.
The Pherophone, in fact, does not evaluate physical appearance,
only smell, so has to be used with judgement. A more worrying
aspect is that, unlike people, the current version does not
distinguish between human and animal smells - a fact only
discovered during a recent field trip to Wales by one of the
single male researchers.
However, the Pherophone does have other uses. It is able, for
example, to provide busy executives with a foolproof method of
detecting one's own bad breath before that vital meeting.
The user just breathes in to the tiny plastic nostrils on the
side of the device and appropriate images indicating the level
of bad breath are displayed. These images range from a dead
donkey, indicating terminal halitosis, to a picture of a smiling
patient giving a thumbs-up sign after supposedly having received
mouth-to-mouth resuscitation from the owner of the phone.
"The Pherophone spells the end for all dating agencies,
speed-dating functions, personal advertisements in newspapers
and associated web sites", claimed the Doctor. Possibly.
However, it could also prevent the misinterpretation of other
subtle hints and signals I have experienced, as when a lady
responds to amorous advances with a firm slap across the face,
or with an expression not unlike that shown when sucking a fresh
lemon.
2. "The
Fearophone"
This application resulted from a misunderstanding on the
telephone between the Italian team developing the Pherophone and
the Irish Director of the Institute, Dr. Marc O'Nee.
The Director thought the application was intended to detect the
level of fear caused to the owner by the nearest stranger. He
thought it such a wonderful idea that he tasked a separate
development team to work independently to devise a solution by
another route should the Italian team have been late (however
unlikely that may have been). Thus by accident an entirely new
device was created.
Again the phone initially stores data about the owner's own
level of fierceness, physical strength and combativeness. These
are given identities, ranging from "Day-old kitten and the runt
of the litter at that" to "Genghis Khan".
The device is then aimed at a nearby stranger to check the level
of threat posed and then relevant pictures and text are
displayed.
Pointed at various researchers, the device strangely indicated
Edvard Munch's "The Scream". Reassuringly an image of Bambi also
appeared and a video of the shower scene in Hitchcock's
"Psycho", accompanied by text reading "Run for the hills now and
don't look back!". The researchers explained this away, somewhat
uncomfortably I felt, by saying that testing was "ongoing" and
that calibration of the device was not perfect.
At times, apparently due to software conflicts, confusing images
of a train travelling through a shower or Bambi standing in a
divorce court were displayed, but these were being resolved.
If you think that mobile phone users often miss important events
by constantly staring at their phones as if sleep-walking, bear
that in mind with this device as there is a slight delay between
the detection of the level of danger posed and its depiction on
screen. Hence, when threatened with an axe by one of the
researchers, all in the spirit of experiment, I was assured, I
had to shout, "Hang on, the picture's just appearing. Ah yes!
'Psycho-killer' Excellent! It works", just as the axe was
falling.
The Fearophone's functionality may be disabled in large
companies, as it would quickly identify and resolve all issues
of office politics, rendering office life terminally dull and
dispensing with the average 37.44% of all work time currently
occupied by inter-departmental rivalry.
The next two applications depend on the use of Radio Frequency
Identification Device (RFID) tags embedded in everyday objects.
3. "The Styleophone"
Not to be confused with the late 70s "musical" instrument for
children, the "Stylophone".
Researchers noted that lateness for work and missing trains
could be reduced for both men and women by 44.74% precisely (a
strange, but true, coincidence) by being able quickly to find
socks that match and, by extension, entire outfits that look
good, especially on those dark winter mornings.
Other benefits would accrue, such as securing that great new job
through improved personal appearance, or simply not being
laughed at by unkind strangers for an unfortunate combination of
colours and textures. (For some reason this last seemed
particularly important to the research teams.)
Users could also more readily preserve the will to live by never
again having to watch television programmes presented by two
vacuous snobs giving "advice" on what not to wear to yet more
vapid and unfortunate members of the public.
With this application, pictures of the owner's face and body, in
addition to details of gender, age and weight, are stored in the
phone, while RFID tags are stitched in to all the owner's
clothes. As all clothes will shortly carry RFID tags at the
point of manufacture to assist stock tracking this will not be
an issue in the future.
Several "looks" or preferred appearances are available, from
"Work: male, formal", through "Mutton dressed as lamb" (also
known north of Watford as "She's nowt better than she should
be"), to "Trailer trash". It is also possible to set alternative
years in the past.
Thus, one can select, "American male, 1968, full Woodstock", or
"The Singing Nun, 1965", both favoured at fancy dress parties,
or for people about to become rock stars or for those starting a
vocation.
The system then uses the RFID tags in the clothes to alert the
user when an appropriate garment is located in the owner's
wardrobe (including wigs). This uses proprietary "greentooth"
technology developed by Professor Giuseppe Aldenteverdi.
A GPS facility establishes country settings for national dress
automatically and suggests closest possible alternatives. While
options are limited in certain parts of the world by the range
of clothes from which to choose, the application certainly
detected the unfortunate clash between my green gabardine left
sock and my Campbell tartan right sock - I had had an early
start.
[Due to issues of length, the second part of this article is
displayed separately.]
From:
http://www.indefinitearticles.co.uk
Indefinite Articles - 1.
© Alex MacCaskill November 2005
About the author:
None
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