|
|
7 Good Reasons to Have Your Cat Spayed or Neutered
Every year, many cat owners decide to get their cat spayed or neutered. This decision is made for several different reasons, all of which illustrate why it is such a good idea.
The many problems caused by un-spayed or un-neutered pets each...
Family Ties – When to Let Go
Ruth consulted with me because she was confused about what to do regarding her mother, her brother, and her son.
From the time Ruth was born, she never felt like she belonged in her family. Her mother ignored Ruth, obviously preferring her...
Moving On to Much Better Things After Leaving an Abusive Relationship
Leaving an abusive relationship is difficult, but being alone can feel worse. All your happily married friends are still happily married, and here you are suddenly single. It’s a huge adjustment. Even though you’ve triumphed by getting out of a...
Relationship: Ten Strategies to Improve your Relationship
Relationship Strategy No.1: Appreciate your Partners
Differences
- Due to your upbringing, family background, cultural heritage and
psychological makeup, you and your partner approach life from
completely different perspectives.
- By...
To Know You Is To Love You
How do you show someone you love them? Do you buy them expensive gifts? Spend quality time together? Make personal sacrifices just to see them smile? Dedicate a song to them? Write a love letter or note of encouragement? Become their...
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
S.T.O.P. ! A four-step strategy for handling conflicts and healing your relationship
Brain researchers have found that when people are angry, scared, or hurt, they're incapable of thinking straight. That's because stress hormones--designed to fuel the fight or flight response--flood the body, causing the rational part of the brain to shut down, and the irrational part to take over. That's why angry people don't talk to each other, they rant and rave. They pout and drink. They work on their trucks, buy expensive shoes, kick in walls, or slap their kids.
The STOP Strategy is a process I teach all the couples and families I work with in my family therapy practice. It's a simple method for stopping the hurt, disconnecting so you don't cause harm, cooling down until you're both thinking straight again, and reconnecting from a better place.
The best way to learn how The STOP Strategy works is to read through this article (when you're calm) so you'll understand how it works when you really need it. Once you understand the four steps, practice using the strategy whenever little things come up between you and your partner. That way, you'll know the steps by heart when something big happens.
This strategy not only works with couples, it also works great with kids. What's different here is that The Stop Strategy isn’t designed for just one person. It’s designed for two (and could be used by more). And unlike a typical Time Out--where one person banishes or abandons another—with the STOP Strategy, a Time Out begins with two people agreeing to separate in order to come back together after both have done some work on themselves.
This is where the healing begins. During a Time Out, both people are expected to reflect their own behavior and are asked to take responsibility for having done things that may have hurt someone else. They’re also asked to think of what they could have done to make things better. The last step requires both people to make a Peace Offering, a gesture that restores a spirit of goodwill to the relationship.
Here are the four steps:
1. STOP! As soon as you notice yourself getting uncomfortable with the way your conversation is going, STOP! Then say: I need a time out. This gives you a chance to take a break without blaming your partner for your discomfort.
2. TIME OUT. This means physically separating from each other in order to stop the hurt. It means going away for 30-60 minutes and coming back after both of you have calmed down and have completed Step 3.
• Brain researchers have found that once the heart is beating 95 bpm or above, the thinking brain shuts down and the emotional brain takes over. This means it does no good to keep arguing when you’re both upset, because the reasonable part of your brain is no longer listening.
• John Gottman’s research on marital satisfaction found that couples who disengage when things start heating up, and try again after both people are calmer, stay together and report greater satisfaction in their relationships.
Techniques for calming yourself down: Going for a walk, taking a hot bath, listening to quiet music, writing in a journal.
3. OWN YOUR PART. This means taking responsibility for your part in creating the problem instead of attacking your partner or defending your position. To do this, answer the following questions:
Q: Have I engaged in any acts of overt muscling?
• Demanding sex and/or obedience. • Controlling resources: $, freedom, time. • Using violence or threats to control my partner. • Showing anger and contempt for my partner in public (includes: attacks on character or appearance as well as acting as if
my partner is invisible). • Shouting or intimidating with words or gestures (includes: sarcasm, mocking, finger-pointing, cornering, taunting). • Blaming, belittling, interrogating, name-calling. • Hammering a point to death. • Ganging up on my partner by bringing in kids, in-laws, other allies. • Excusing my bad behavior by blaming my partner for it: “I wouldn’t drink if you weren’t so controlling.” • Doing any of the above in front of our children.
Every act of overt muscling by one partner leads to 2 equally powerful acts of covert defiance by the other! Don’t mistake submission for devotion, or obedience for love.
Q: Have I engaged in any acts of covert defiance? • Withdrawing or Avoiding (includes: the garage, the kids, work, school, alcohol, etc.). • Stonewalling (includes: the silent treatment, refusing to talk). • Withholding affection, attention, tenderness, appreciation, sex. • Making excuses for why I didn’t follow-through . . . again. • Making and breaking promises and agreements. • Procrastinating. • Chronic “forgetting”: “Oops. . . You know how my memory is.” • Chronic lateness. • Chronic apologies without subsequent changes in behavior. • Flaunting my affection for others in front of my partner. • Lying or hiding the truth. • Bad-mouthing my partner to our children, friends, family. • Developing a social network that excludes my partner.
Q: What could I have done that would have been more helpful, more considerate, more kind?
Q: What vulnerable feelings were beneath my anger or defensiveness? (Examples: fear, guilt, embarrassment, sadness, hurt).
Q: What vulnerable feelings might have been beneath my partner’s behavior?
After you’ve answered these questions and have a better understanding of what went wrong and what part you played, you’re ready for the last step: Peace Offering.
4. PEACE OFFERING. Assuming you’ve done all 3 previous steps, you should be ready to come back together and talk. Each of you should take a turn sharing what you learned about yourself from your time away. This means owning your part, apologizing to your partner for the hurt you may have caused, and making a peace offering. A peace offering can be as simple as a hug or a kiss, or it can be a promise or an agreement to do something different. When both of you have completed this step, chances are you’ll be feeling lots better.
Here’s an example of how this step might sound:
“At first, all I could see was what you did to make me mad–but when I went through the lists and saw: blaming, forgetting, and excusing–I realized that I played a part in what went wrong. I think I was attacking you because I was feeling guilty myself for forgetting to do X. Sorry. I know I let you down. Next time I can try to be more honest sooner, or I can at least stop blaming you before you’ve even had a chance to talk. I promise to do X by Friday.”
Sounds good, huh? You can do it, too. Practice the STOP strategy over and over until the steps are automatic. It takes lots of repetition, so hang in there! When you’ve got it down, try teaching it to your kids. If they’re too young to understand it, use the strategy in front of them. They’ll learn by example how to communicate lovingly and respectfully.
Good Luck! © Copyright 2004 by Betsy Sansby, MS, LMFT
About the Author
Betsy Sansby is a licensed marriage & family therapist in Minneapolis. She has just produced a communication tool for couples called: The OuchKit--Marriage Counseling in a Box: www.theouchkit.com.
|
|
|
|
|
Relationships: Practical advice, information and friendly support ... |
Information, answers, tips, advice and friendly support on everything to do with dating, relating, marriage, love and friendship issues. |
www.ivillage.co.uk |
  |
Relationships Australia — Building stronger relationships which ... |
Non-profit community based organisation providing professional services to support relationships. |
www.relationships.com.au |
  |
BBC - Relationships |
Getting the most out of your sexual relationships (Image: Couple kissing) ... Subscribe to our monthly BBC Health and Relationships newsletter ... |
www.bbc.co.uk |
  |
Love & Sex: Love Advice for Singles and Couples at iVillage.com |
Find love advice for any relationship, including dating etiquette and sex tips at ... Hot Topics & Real Advice · Experts · Singles & Dating · Relationship ... |
love.ivillage.com |
  |
Go Ask Alice!: Relationships |
relationship stuff. Healthy vs. unhealthy relationships · "True love"... Could it be true? ... Parents don't approve of interracial relationship ... |
www.goaskalice.columbia.edu |
  |
Relationship - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia |
Look up relationship in Wiktionary, the free dictionary. Relationship may refer to: ... Retrieved from "http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Relationship" ... |
en.wikipedia.org |
  |
Interpersonal relationship - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia |
Interpersonal relationships are social associations, connections, ... This type of interpersonal relationship also includes the comradeship of fellow ... |
en.wikipedia.org |
  |
About - People & Relationships |
About People & Relationships provides advice for every stage of your relationship from dating to marriage. And, when relationships hit the skids, ... |
about.com |
  |
Relationships.com - Online Personals and Christian Dating for ... |
Christian singles site for online Christian personals. Relationships.com is the leading site for Christian dating. Enjoy our chat, IM, photo galleries, ... |
www.relationships.com |
  |
Teen Relationships Website! |
Relationship chat and information for teens, by teens. |
www.teenrelationships.org |
  |
Sex, Love and Relationships [HOME] - ChristianAnswers.Net |
Learn how to make your love the best it can be. Christian answers to questions about sex, marriage, sexual addictions, and more. |
www.christiananswers.net |
  |
Relationshipweb.com - First aid for relationships |
Directory of relationship information. Contains links and forums. |
www.relationshipweb.com |
  |
SCRS - Virtual Pamphlet Collection - Relationships |
University of Texas at Austin; Keys to a Successful Marriage - University of Wisconsin -- Eau Claire; Making Friends - Massey University; On Relationships ... |
counseling.uchicago.edu |
  |
Abusive Relationships |
Abuse - physical, emotional, or sexual - has no place in love. Read this article to find out how to recognize the signs of abuse in yourself or a friend and ... |
www.kidshealth.org |
  |
Relationship Advice Site Featuring Relationship Book Im Sorry |
A relationship repair guide featuring forum, free ecards, postcards, and books. |
www.relationshiprepair.net |
  |
Today: Relationships - MSNBC.com |
Looking for love or having trouble in your relationship? "Today" contributor Dr. Gail Saltz offers help. In her weekly column she tackles some of the ... |
www.msnbc.msn.com |
  |
Addictive Relationships--UIUC Counseling Center |
It is often very hard to end a love relationship even when you know it is bad for you. ... It is in this sense that the relationships are "addictive." ... |
www.couns.uiuc.edu |
  |
Relationships: See what people are saying right now on Technorati |
See all blog posts tagged with relationships on Technorati. |
www.technorati.com |
  |
Relationships in the Yahoo! Directory |
Read articles on friendship, romance, dating, and marriage as well as incest, affairs, and divorce. Also take relationship quizzes and discover kissing ... |
dir.yahoo.com |
  |
Relationships -- Beliefnet.com |
Our relationships expert's "essential message" is that life is a journey to integrate the deep soul with the higher spirit. ... |
www.beliefnet.com |
  |
|