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Are Cell Phones To Blame for Marital Misconduct?
Remember that day so long ago when you said, "I do". There was
no doubt in your mind at that very moment that you were in for
the long haul and never thought about anything else. You
acknowledged your vows with the truest of intentions and with
your whole heart. I'm sure you I soon discovered married life is
tough and that can contribute to problems in the best of
marriages. Two people can love each other so much and still lose
their way.
My marriage wasn't perfect but there was nothing going on to
make me think it was falling apart, at least I didn't think so
at the time. My husband and I had been through a lot like every
other couple and I felt comfortable in our relationship. We
argued, made-up and went on with life. One night we were in
Walmart and as usual we parted ways to do our shopping. He had
his cell phone and I had mine so that we could call each other
when we were done. As I was strolling along I saw my husband
standing at the end of an aisle on his cell phone. He was
laughing and appeared to be somewhat blushing. I instantly
called his cell phone and asked if he was about done. He replied
he was and that he would meet me at the registers in a bit. I
hung up and watched as he dialed a number and resumed his
conversation. I had a very uneasy feeling but I didn't know what
to think. I felt like a stalker that night hiding behind clothes
racks and shelves spying on him.
Later that night while we were having dinner I asked him if 'we'
were okay and he assured me we were. I still didn't feel quite
right so I just asked that dreaded question, "Are you cheating
on me?" It's not what he said that pierced my heart it was his
nervous fidgeting while denying the accusation. An
eighteen-wheeler couldn't have smacked me as hard as reality did
at that very moment. I was angry, shocked and very hurt. My life
went from comfortable and somewhat organized to a complete void.
I felt like I had hit bottom in the darkest of tunnels without
even taking the ride. But wait! I've been married over a decade.
I had taken a ride, but I guess I missed all of the road signs
that told me I was heading for the end.
I could have taken my husband's word that we were fine, but my
gut instinct told me different. The very thought of living a lie
and those little voices in my head began eating away at me. I
had to know the truth.
I began with his cell phone bill. We didn't receive itemized
bills in the mail and I never really thought about it. I just
assumed we were saving a buck or two every month, but I soon
discovered that I could view his cell phone bill online since we
had a joint account. It wasn't difficult to set up and I was
able to view previous bills. I printed out every bill I could
and highlighted frequently called numbers. I then visited a few
web sites that offered free reverse phone number searches and
started putting names to the numbers. I couldn't do that with
cell phone numbers so I stooped to the level of "Mrs.
Anonymous". I called several of his friends and co-workers
blocking my home phone number while trying to disguise my voice
with a low, "I'm sorry. I've got the wrong number". At first I
felt rotten but with each new discovery it added fuel to my own
little investigation. Soon I was playing the part like a pro. I
was making anonymous phone calls, jotting down notes, and crying
my eyes out at the same time. I eventually found the other
woman's home phone number and her cell phone number.
His cell phone bill also showed an extremely heavy volume of
text messages, which I could not check. All I knew was the
number sent and received. I called our cell phone service
provider and was told that text messages could not be itemized.
Great! I would have thought modern technology would be on my
side, but it wasn't. Text messages proved to be the biggest
secret weapon in his marital misconduct.
I learned quite a bit during my lonely and bitter period of
self-pity. I won't bore anyone or fuel the gossip line with
juicy details, but I will share a few tips I discovered during
my heartbreaking experience.
Analyzed cell phone bills to create a timeline. The frequency
and volume of calls during a specific time of day can show when
your spouse has more time on their hands than you know. Good tip
is to call during this time frame. Also look for a period during
the day where there is a large time span between phone calls.
The first call after this dead time maybe the call after the
'meeting'.
If you get a chance pilfer through your spouse's cell phone. You
can learn so much by doing so. Check incoming and outgoing
calls. Don't forget the missed calls. Also check text messages
sent, received and saved. If you find that calls or text
messages have been deleted don't fret. There are other things
you can check. Check Canned Messages or similar pre-made
messages that can be created on a cell phone and save so that
words do not have to be keyed in when sending a text message.
Lazy, but it's easy. Don't forget to check the phone book.
One of the coolest functions I found during my plight is Voice
Memos. Several cell phones have this function and I found
numerous saved voice
memos on my husband's phone and my own
phone. I'm assuming these were saved on my own phone while I was
trying to adjust the volume during different conversations and
hit the memo button by accident. The cell phones we have only
record the other party's conversation but that was enough for my
marital misconduct argument with my husband.
Another thing that I did was figure out my husband's password to
his voice mail. Evil I know, but I couldn't help myself. I
figured that after living with this man for over a decade I
could crack his code. I was successful but it definitely took
time. I waited until he was home and his cell phone was turned
off. During each call to his voice mail I would only attempt
access two times. I was afraid a third attempt would block his
access to his voice mail and he would have to call customer
service, which would unveil my sneaky side. If you do go this
route and crack the code remember that when you listen to a
message it will no longer be an unheard message. So you have a
major dilemma, delete the message or let your spouse hear a
recording that says something to the effect of you have one old
message. That is a very difficult decision. You are either going
to have to delete important messages or risk the chance of being
discovered. Whether your spouse suspects you or not, I guarantee
the password will change very quickly. Also, don't forget to
dial a different number afterwards if your phone has redial that
shows the number you called. You don't want your spouse to see
their cell phone number and password on the screen. Which brings
me to another tip. It definitely pays off to hit redial on your
home phone from time to time.
Caller ID's are a wonderful tool. Of course they can be deleted,
but how many Caller ID's do you have in the house? Check all of
them. I found that my satellite television had Caller ID because
it was plugged into a phone jack. Fantastic tool.
You have to appreciate modern technology. Not only does it make
our lives easier but it also makes marital misconduct easier.
Pre-paid cell phones. How clever. Who would have thought? No
bills, no nothing. The perfect tool for concealing those
'special calls.' Watch for mailings from different cell phone
companies other than your current provider that offer incentives
to Preferred Customers. NOTE: Some companies do send out mass
mailings in hopes of gaining new customers and these companies
will use different ploys to attract new customers. So if you do
receive something from a different cell phone provider call the
company first and inquire on their mailing before jumping to
conclusions.
Hang-up calls or anonymous calls to your home number maybe
something you need to pay attention to. Don't jump to
conclusions again, but pay attention. You can block anonymous
calls to your home. Most local phone services providers offer
this option and you can call them and inquire about this
feature. Most of the time it's done by entering a code on your
home phone and can be undone by entering a different sequence
using your keypad on your phone.
Everything I have mentioned takes time. I did not accomplish
everything in a day or two; it actually took months for me to
catch on and make my discoveries. I would not have put myself in
harms way if I feared my spouse and I do not recommend anyone
doing anything that would put you in danger or risk of being
physically hurt. Seek help.
Modern technology is awesome. It makes our lives easier and more
interesting. It's a shame that it tempts us to be unfaithful,
but it's so easy and convenient. It also appears to be fun and
intriguing. What can we do? Destroy the cell phone? Cell phones
have become an important part of our lives and many of us feel
so lost if we don't have a cell phone attached to our hip or in
our purses. Don't blame the cell phone. Take a look at your
relationship and be honest with yourself. Where did it go wrong?
It didn't happen overnight. A quick fix isn't going to help a
relationship that took months or years to fall apart.
No matter what you do just remember there is no easy way to get
through the devastation of marital misconduct, but with time
things will get easier. The trust you had has been destroyed and
whether you are headed for divorce or trying to work things out,
it all takes time. It's so easy to let a marriage fall into a
rut and become routine. When that happens it's easy to take
advantage of each other and lose the respect that once was
there. To make a marriage work both spouses have to make
sacrifices and spend quality time together instead of just
existing together. Communication is so important. Not just the
casual conversations about how the day went, but really talk and
listen to each other.
And, if you decide to try to save your marriage after
discovering marital misconduct I sincerely hope that you and
your spouse find that special feeling again, and that's love.
About the author:
Elaine Lemons is an author on a site for Creative Writing (
http://www.Writing.Com/ ). Visit her portfolio at
http://www.writing.com/authors/october2002
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| divorce.co.uk - advice on mediation, counselling and legal aspects ... |
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| Divorce - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia |
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| An overview of divorce law with links to key primary and secondary sources, from Cornell University's Legal Information Institute. |
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| Children; Children and Divorce (American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry) ... Select services and providers for Divorce in your area. ... |
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| An electronic journal providing information and referrals for people facing divorce. |
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| Divorce and relationship breakdown : Directgov - Parents |
| Advice on counselling, mediation and the divorce process, including where to find a solicitor. |
| www.direct.gov.uk |
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| Americans for Divorce Reform, Inc. |
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| Divorce Busting® - Solve Marriage Problems, Save My Marriage, Save ... |
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