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Been There, Done That
Direct Answers - Column for the week of April 12, 2004
Fourteen years ago I was divorced from my second wife, her idea. I'll call her Kay. But I never lost my love for her. She married again and had two children. We always remained friends,...
How a 21st Century Dad Can Make a Positive Impact on His Children
Now in the 21st century, researchers have found that a father’s love for his children is just as important as a mother’s love. Learn how you can make a positive impact on your child that will last a lifetime!
In the 50’s, the stereotypical...
Lobster - The Food Of Romantics!
Summer has arrived! Woo-Hoo! Do you know what always comes along with summer? Well, besides the bugs! Weddings! Yeap, that's right, Weddings. But I've got another one for you. Years after all those wedding what else comes in summer? Nooo, not...
Who Says Online Dating's Only For Losers?
About 4 years ago, I did. Until a good friend suggested that we try it. I had to admit, I was curious, but wasn't online dating for hideous losers and people who had something to hide? Wasn't it only for those who couldn't get a date the 'old...
Your Children Should Not Suffer Because of Divorce
Guiding Your Children Through the Process of Divorce
Divorce is, tragically, a family affair, and the ones who suffer the most are the children of the couple divorcing. That couple must carefully consider the repercussions that their divorce...
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Sunset in the Rear-view Mirror
Sunset in the Rear-view Mirror
Driving home from work late one night, I couldn't help but notice it was almost dusk. I was headed North, and driving right along with the setting sun on my left. With a slight headache, my thoughts drifted through the day at work that was over. I work at a domestic violence shelter, and it seems one can never know from one moment to the next what to expect. As I drive home at the end of the day, it is not unusual for me to think of my life, and all the changes that have come about. I once was the victim of domestic violence, myself. I was never beaten. I was threatened, had things broken, yelled at, but these were not something I could easily identify as abuse. I'd always thought abuse was hitting; a physical pain. The sky was slowly darkening and the feathery wisps of clouds turned to pretty pastels. I continued to keep one eye on the clouds as I watched the road and let my mind wander. I often had tried to reason with my husband. He need not yell. I could hear what he was trying to say. I just didn't always agree with him. Did we have to think the same way about everything? Was that what it meant to be submissive, I often wondered. I usually acquiesced. He was the head of the household, I was the wife. That was my role. He plowed ahead, I tried to follow. Often I felt put-down and betrayed; the butt of his jokes. He actually seemed to enjoy putting me down, but my own husband wouldn't do that, would he? He loved me! I must be the cause of our problems. Sometimes he used my ideas and passed them off as his. If it was my idea, how could it be right? Silly me, I was the stupid one. It was just easier to agree and go along, than fight. I wanted peace at any cost. I didn't know it cost giving up myself. But no one else seemed to notice, no one but me. And life had been so promising. I'd been a good student. I hadn't made many of the mistakes my classmates had made. I thought I was steady and a common sense thinker, but why couldn't I do anything right in my marriage? Our three children were not the butt of his violent temper, I was. As long as it was directed at me, it didn't hurt them, did it? My car left the freeway, and I was now headed in the opposite direction of the beautiful sunset that was transpiring. I hated to leave the florescent sky behind, but my trip must continue. I was headed home. Home now, was not with the man I married. After 16 years, I'd left him, unable through counseling to find any way to reconcile our miserable marriage. When we went to the pastors and counselors, I again was the 'bad guy'. By this time I was convinced that he didn't love me. I realized how evil he had really been. My family was devastated by the divorce. No one in our family 'divorced'. It wasn't done. My family's shame was almost worse than the bad marriage. But there were secrets that even they didn't
know. I tried to explain, but I couldn't bring myself to relive the details. If they wouldn't trust me, I was on my own. Couldn't anyone understand? I learned to live with that pain, as well. I had never felt so lonely. It had been 7 years since the divorce, now. Home was an 80 year old farmhouse on a beautiful country road. I was remarried, now, to a peaceful soul like myself, whom I learned I could trust. We worked together on our home, remodeling, landscaping, building. We were constructing more than a house - a new life. My family was more understanding and my kids had weathered the rough years of the divorce, much as our farmhouse had weathered the winds of time, and they were doing very well. A big lie, I'd learned was 'staying together for the sake of the children'. My children had now learned that everyone deserved respect, even Mom. All was peaceful, again. I traveled through the little town I live near, and headed home. Almost home. I'd learned what marriage was really all about. As head of the household, a man was meant to lead, but not bully or push - not manipulate, threaten and criticize. He was to be someone who could be respected and honored; a man of character and commitment. No matter how much pain a person has endured, we have a choice to let that pain control us. Power and control meant nothing to a man who was committed to 'love as Christ loved the Church'. My husband was a gentle shepherd, not a drill sergeant. Not far from home, I climbed a hill and suddenly was stirred out of my reverie. A brilliant sunset, more brilliant that any I'd ever seen shrieked at me from the rear view mirror. The vibrant oranges and vivid pinks held me spellbound. I rounded a turn at the top of the hill and pulled to the side of the road. With tears streaming down my face, I witnessed God's awesome creativity at work. I also knew exactly what He was trying to tell me at that very moment. While I was going through those hard times, He knew what I didn't. He knew that one day I would look back and see the brilliant master plan. He didn't put me through the abuse, but he used it to create a masterpiece - one I couldn't see at the time, but only when I looked back on it, after the passage of time. I'd weathered the storm and He was right there with me all the time. I was never alone. I sat for several moments, drinking in the beauty of the incredible sunset that night. I eased back on the road and rounded another bend. That sunset followed me all the way home in the rear view mirror just as God had never left me alone. How nice to be home.
Sheryl Simons
About the Author
Sheryl lives with her husband Richard and youngest son Andrew in Northern Michigan. She loves gardening and works part time at a women's shelter and for a local newspaper. She is writing several fiction and non-fiction books about domestic violence.
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divorce.co.uk - advice on mediation, counselling and legal aspects ... |
An overview of divorce in the UK, including the law, mediation options and emotional support, from Mills & Reeve. |
www.divorce.co.uk |
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Divorce Magazine, information about separation and divorce |
Divorce Magazine is a compassionate self-help resource for people in need of information about separation and divorce. |
www.divorcemag.com |
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Divorce - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia |
Divorce or dissolution of marriage is the ending of a marriage before the ... A decree of divorce is initially granted 'nisi', i.e. (unless cause is later ... |
en.wikipedia.org |
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DivorceNet - Divorce Net: Family Law Information, Solutions, News ... |
DivorceNet® is the Internet's largest divorce resource, offering state-specific articles, an online community and a nationwide directory of divorce lawyers, ... |
www.divorcenet.com |
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The Divorce Support Page: Divorce, Child Custody, Alimony, Support ... |
a support site for people experiencing, divorce, dissolution, separation, custody, alimony, visitation, etc. Divorce professionals to help you in your area. |
www.divorcesupport.com |
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Divorce Source: a legal resource for divorce, custody, alimony ... |
A state specific divorce web site providing information and referrals for people facing and experiencing issues revolving around divorce, separation, ... |
www.divorcesource.com |
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DivorceInfo Surviving Divorce Managing Lawyers Alimony Child Support |
Divorceinfo -Survive your divorce with some money in your pocket and your dignity intact. |
www.divorceinfo.com |
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Divorce - Wex |
An overview of divorce law with links to key primary and secondary sources, from Cornell University's Legal Information Institute. |
www.law.cornell.edu |
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MedlinePlus: Divorce |
Children; Children and Divorce (American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry) ... Select services and providers for Divorce in your area. ... |
www.nlm.nih.gov |
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Divorce Aid :: Online Guide to UK Divorce Law, Information and Advice |
The largest free online interactive divorce resource in the UK for divorce law, advice, emotional support, counselling, mediation, and website for ... |
www.divorceaid.co.uk |
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Divorce-Online :The UK's leading low cost divorce service |
The largest free online divorce and separation resource in the UK with information, forums, chat, experts and articles. |
www.divorce-online.co.uk |
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How to Divorce As Friends - Featured on Oprah - Bill Ferguson |
Advice, recommended books, and telephone counseling to help couples resolve difficult issues connected with divorce or even save their marriage. |
www.divorceasfriends.com |
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Welcome To Divorce Online ~ www.divorceonline.com |
An electronic journal providing information and referrals for people facing divorce. |
www.divorceonline.com |
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Federal Magistrates Court - On-line Application for Divorce |
In the short-term, please use the Application for Divorce form which can be found at ... Our E-mail address for family law enquiries (including divorce) is ... |
www.divorce.gov.au |
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DivorceCare: Divorce Recovery Support Groups |
DivorceCare is a divorce recovery support group where you can find help and healing for the hurt of separation and divorce. |
www.divorcecare.com |
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Divorce Central Home Page |
Links to divorce-related resources, organized by state, with an archive of articles and interviews. |
www.divorcecentral.com |
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Divorce Helpline — tools to keep you out of court |
Providing information about divorce, and referrals to family law attorneys. |
www.divorcehelp.com |
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Divorce and relationship breakdown : Directgov - Parents |
Advice on counselling, mediation and the divorce process, including where to find a solicitor. |
www.direct.gov.uk |
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Americans for Divorce Reform, Inc. |
John Crouch speaks about divorce law reform and presents a paper by John Crouch and Richard ... To find out how to work on divorce reform in your state ... |
www.divorcereform.org |
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Divorce Busting® - Solve Marriage Problems, Save My Marriage, Save ... |
Divorce is not the answer to marriage problems. Stop your divorce and save your marriage with advice from Michele Weiner-Davis. |
www.divorcebusting.com |
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